NFL Week 3 Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour
Kept you waiting, huh?
The NFL is well and truly back! The first 2 weeks have strolled past with ease like defenders through the Giants' offensive line. Narratives are slowly being created, and early favourites are taking their places. So let's journey ahead as we look onto Week 3!
No bye weeks, so no Bye Week Shout Outs. Imagine that?!
Cleveland Browns vs New York Jets
Uh oh, we have a potential clownball on our hands! The Factory of Sadness(tm) vs Just Endure The Suffering (or J.E.T.S for short!)
So after finding new and more painful ways to punch your fans in the dick after nearly beating the downward spiral that is currently the Saints, you pull a Chargers and fuck the game on several wide field goal attempts, costing Zane Gonzalez his job (shite week for kickers the league over!). As for the Jets: they are looking to show that the Dolphins game was just unfortunate and can still rain down heavy fire like their Week 1 game.
The Browns traded their best wide receiver in Josh Gordon, after years of being suspended, to the Patriots for a 5th round pick, and their former best receiver in Tyrell Pryor is...on the Jets...wonderful!
This could be a tight game, due to how unproven as of yet Sam Darnold is. Talented, but young; and...well...it's still the Jets! ... against the Browns!! ... it's a game of who can cause the biggest upset! That being said, I just can't see the Browns winning. Part of me screams for them to at least win one fucking game, but we'll see if the Jets decide to play spoiler to that seemingly impossible Cleveland task.
Winner: Jets
Minnesota Vikings vs Buffalo Bills
Talk about a letdown. Seeing the Bills make the playoffs for the first time this century was amazing to witness, but after so many parts either walking in free agency, being traded, or retiring, the mighty Buffalo has fallen in such a spectacular fashion that they've transcended returning back to mediocrity to just downright terrible. Good thing you're on the road for this one, otherwise that Vontae Davis Day you've got planned for the Titans, otherwise there wouldn't be a seat still packed (so on October 7th, fans will have the opportunity to leave the game at half time if the Bills are trailing by 15 points or more with a full refund. Live the Vontae Davis experience! Don't wait till the end of the game, just call it quits when the getting's still good!)
Let's just get straight to it: the Vikings are going to destroy the Bills. The Bills have no offence to speak of, and a very shoddy defence. Meanwhile, the Vikings have a former number one rated defence with the majority of its parts still there, and a revitalised offence that is currently making strides for the team. Oh, and they just signed Dan Bailey, 2nd most accurate kicker in NFL history, so as long as he proves the doubters (and salty Cowboys fans) wrong that he can overcome his groin injury last season, the Vikings shouldn't have to worry about another field goal attempt again...right?
Winner: Vikings
Houston Texans vs New York Giants
Ohh, goody, another defence to tear through that turnstile that is the Giants' O-Line. Hell at least with turnstiles you can lock them into place when not in use...
The Giants have been...meh, to be honest. Close, but no cigar. Almost. Chances to get the job down, only to blow it. I see no difference here. They'll put up a fight, but I just can't see it against this exciting, young, and explosive team when the sum of its part are healthy...is what I would be saying had last week not happened! Sloppy plays from the Texans over the Titans and that final snap was just...amazing!
Winner: Giants
Washington Redskins vs Green Bay Packers
After being reality checked by the Colts, it looks to be more of the same for the Redskins as the Aaron Rodgers' Packers stroll into town looking for another victory for their great leader.
...what, you want more? The Redskins suck and Rodgers is a god. That is all there is.
Winner: Aaron Rodgers
Kansas City Chiefs vs San Francisco 49ers
Ahh yes, a match-up of 2 teams who are ready to make noise this season (or at least claim they are.)
If anything, it will be a good game to watch, and a critical point for either team in carving out their destiny for the remainder of the season. While I rate the Chiefs as being more legitimate than the 49ers, and have much more talent to back it up than the "Tom Brady Protege" (so...a system QB that's the definition of 'good enough'? Ohh, edgy!)
Winner: Chiefs
Miami Dolphins vs Oakland Raiders
So let's check that Dolphins' narrative I had in my season preview...yup, gone to complete shit so far.
Here, we have a couple of underachievers looking to prove doubters wrong. I think the Raiders are in the midst of a full blown identity crisis amidst the Nu-Gruden era, and the Dolphins are...well, making me look a tad presumptuous. Despite all odds, they are holding it together, so we'll see if that continues...and I think it will.
Winner: Dolphins
Philadelphia Eagles vs Indianapolis Colts
So the defending Super Bowl Champions the Philadelphia Fucking Eagles (watch them petition for that to be the new name) have started off this season on a bit of a back burner. I reject the whole backup QB mentality since Nick Foles helped them win the damn thing, but a sloppy as fuck opener against the Falcons and being shown up by Ryan Fucking Fitzpatrick (watch them petition for that one) has already riled up fan disappointment (spoilt fucks).
Anyway, Carson Wentz is set to return, the Eagles defence is still pretty good, and Andrew Luck really lacks a wideout option other than T.Y Hilton. Despite this, I'll be bold and enable my weekly Bold Pick of the Week in order to both spite the Eagles, and big up my compatriot writer in support for his Colts!
Winner: Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars vs Tennessee Titans
The Titans are forced to start Blaine Gabbert at QB due to Marcus Mariota being injured. Blaine Gabbert was drafted by the Jaguars over J.J. Watt in 2011. Blaine Gabbert defeated the Jaguars as a member of the Arizona Cardinals last season. Blaine Gabbert is the constantly recurring ex-girlfriend. Blaine Gabbert will beat the Jaguars.
Winner: Blaine Gabbert
Carolina Panthers vs Cincinanti Bengals
The Bengals are out of the gate hot with a 2-0 streak, and the Panthers still look like strong post-season contenders, despite a sluggish first half against the Falcons last week.
It'll be a good game to watch, but I'm gonna go with the Panthers and hope reality catches up with the Bengals.
Winner: Panthers
Baltimore Ravens vs Denver Broncos
So the Baltimore 'dodgy car' Ravens broke down against the Bengals last week, and face a tough opponent in the Broncos, who may have finally gotten over the hump, despite their close call victories: win's a win, though.
With the Ravens, you can never tell, so this is a game to keep an eye on.
Winner: Broncos
Atlanta Falcons vs New Orleans Saints
The Falcons have now found their rhythm, and the Saints nearly lost to the fucking Browns. I don't know what's happened down in New Orleans, but shit needs to change and fast!
This could go either way. As we've seen, the Falcons are the definition of "could of, should of, didn't", and the Saints can default to mediocrity between seasons instantly.
Winner: Falcons
Los Angeles Rams vs Los Angeles Chargers
Ahh, yes, The Battle for Los Angeles, or as I like the call it, The Battle of How Many Fans Will Show Up.
Let's face it, even if the Rams are all-in this season, it still won't change the fact that the city rejects both them and the Chargers. The Rams at least have the chance to change minds, being in the state that they are; the Chargers...not so much. They may have beaten the Bills, but I can't see them winning over the Rams. This isn't exactly Giants vs Jets is all I'm saying. Still, Rams to win.
Winner (of LA): Rams
Arizona Cardinals vs Chicago Bears
Strap yourselves in, Cardinals fans, this season's gonna be a long one. Destroyed by the Redskins, and fucking shut out by the Rams, the Cardinals have gone from frail to straight up dead. I expected a downswing season, but not like this. You do have good parts on your team, with a promising young QB on the way, but now you have this upstarting Bears team looking to finally answer the call and get things done.
It's gonna be painful.
Winner: Bears
Seattle Seahawks vs Dallas Cowboys
oh, boy, what a match-up...
So the Seahawks look...well, really bad. Russell Wilson can Michael Vick all he wants, though I don't think it's enough to save the team. As for the Cowboys, the jury is still out on Dak Prescott. Elliot's back, though, so he can feast on yards as he tears through that now defunct 'hawks defence.
Winner: Cowboys
Detroit Lions vs New England Patriots
Well, well, well, look who it is: Mr New Head Coach hosts his former team as the Matt Patricia Lions take on the evil empire of Darth Belichek's Patriots.
So the Lions were utterly exposed and destroyed in Week 1, but at least kept it close with the 49ers, so there is still hope. The Patriots defence is starting to show age, and hopefully Matt Stafford can pull yet another miracle out of his ass like he's played himself in fantasy football. Then again, this is the Patriots. They'll find a way...
Winner: Patriots
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs Pittsburgh Steelers
...Well...uhh...who saw this coming?
The Bucs are 2-0 to start the season, despite their usual sex pest of a QB, and Ryan fucking Fitzpatrick is a fantasy football god! Do not pay this man, Tampa! He did the same to the Jets not too long ago! Once you pay him, he'll suck, then move onto some other team desperate enough to take him as a back-up, only for him to conveniently make his way to the starting role, excel, steal the job, demand money, then the cycle repeats. It's the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle. It cannot be broken, it can only be contained. For now, he's playing good and that's all that currently matters for the Bucs.
Meanwhile the Steelers, after spending years upon years just coasting by on the elite talent that they stumbled upon, is now finally starting to corrode from the inside. LeVeon Bell would rather party down in Miami than even consider playing a down for the Steelers while his contract negotiations remain in purgatory. Big Ben Roethlisberger is an now an immobile pick machine, and Antonio Brown is a cocky shit who whines about not getting the ball enough and toying with the idea of being traded. I'd be reaching for the panic buttons about now, Steelers fans...
Winner: Buccaneers
So that's your week 3 roundup. Some really good games lined up this week, so let's sit back and enjoy the outcome! Thank you all for reading, and we'll see you next time for the review!
Go Giants!
-Kyle
The NFL is well and truly back! The first 2 weeks have strolled past with ease like defenders through the Giants' offensive line. Narratives are slowly being created, and early favourites are taking their places. So let's journey ahead as we look onto Week 3!
No bye weeks, so no Bye Week Shout Outs. Imagine that?!
Cleveland Browns vs New York Jets
Uh oh, we have a potential clownball on our hands! The Factory of Sadness(tm) vs Just Endure The Suffering (or J.E.T.S for short!)
So after finding new and more painful ways to punch your fans in the dick after nearly beating the downward spiral that is currently the Saints, you pull a Chargers and fuck the game on several wide field goal attempts, costing Zane Gonzalez his job (shite week for kickers the league over!). As for the Jets: they are looking to show that the Dolphins game was just unfortunate and can still rain down heavy fire like their Week 1 game.
The Browns traded their best wide receiver in Josh Gordon, after years of being suspended, to the Patriots for a 5th round pick, and their former best receiver in Tyrell Pryor is...on the Jets...wonderful!
This could be a tight game, due to how unproven as of yet Sam Darnold is. Talented, but young; and...well...it's still the Jets! ... against the Browns!! ... it's a game of who can cause the biggest upset! That being said, I just can't see the Browns winning. Part of me screams for them to at least win one fucking game, but we'll see if the Jets decide to play spoiler to that seemingly impossible Cleveland task.
Winner: Jets
Minnesota Vikings vs Buffalo Bills
Talk about a letdown. Seeing the Bills make the playoffs for the first time this century was amazing to witness, but after so many parts either walking in free agency, being traded, or retiring, the mighty Buffalo has fallen in such a spectacular fashion that they've transcended returning back to mediocrity to just downright terrible. Good thing you're on the road for this one, otherwise that Vontae Davis Day you've got planned for the Titans, otherwise there wouldn't be a seat still packed (so on October 7th, fans will have the opportunity to leave the game at half time if the Bills are trailing by 15 points or more with a full refund. Live the Vontae Davis experience! Don't wait till the end of the game, just call it quits when the getting's still good!)
Let's just get straight to it: the Vikings are going to destroy the Bills. The Bills have no offence to speak of, and a very shoddy defence. Meanwhile, the Vikings have a former number one rated defence with the majority of its parts still there, and a revitalised offence that is currently making strides for the team. Oh, and they just signed Dan Bailey, 2nd most accurate kicker in NFL history, so as long as he proves the doubters (and salty Cowboys fans) wrong that he can overcome his groin injury last season, the Vikings shouldn't have to worry about another field goal attempt again...right?
Winner: Vikings
Houston Texans vs New York Giants
Ohh, goody, another defence to tear through that turnstile that is the Giants' O-Line. Hell at least with turnstiles you can lock them into place when not in use...
The Giants have been...meh, to be honest. Close, but no cigar. Almost. Chances to get the job down, only to blow it. I see no difference here. They'll put up a fight, but I just can't see it against this exciting, young, and explosive team when the sum of its part are healthy...is what I would be saying had last week not happened! Sloppy plays from the Texans over the Titans and that final snap was just...amazing!
Winner: Giants
Washington Redskins vs Green Bay Packers
After being reality checked by the Colts, it looks to be more of the same for the Redskins as the Aaron Rodgers' Packers stroll into town looking for another victory for their great leader.
...what, you want more? The Redskins suck and Rodgers is a god. That is all there is.
Winner: Aaron Rodgers
Kansas City Chiefs vs San Francisco 49ers
Ahh yes, a match-up of 2 teams who are ready to make noise this season (or at least claim they are.)
If anything, it will be a good game to watch, and a critical point for either team in carving out their destiny for the remainder of the season. While I rate the Chiefs as being more legitimate than the 49ers, and have much more talent to back it up than the "Tom Brady Protege" (so...a system QB that's the definition of 'good enough'? Ohh, edgy!)
Winner: Chiefs
Miami Dolphins vs Oakland Raiders
So let's check that Dolphins' narrative I had in my season preview...yup, gone to complete shit so far.
Here, we have a couple of underachievers looking to prove doubters wrong. I think the Raiders are in the midst of a full blown identity crisis amidst the Nu-Gruden era, and the Dolphins are...well, making me look a tad presumptuous. Despite all odds, they are holding it together, so we'll see if that continues...and I think it will.
Winner: Dolphins
Philadelphia Eagles vs Indianapolis Colts
So the defending Super Bowl Champions the Philadelphia Fucking Eagles (watch them petition for that to be the new name) have started off this season on a bit of a back burner. I reject the whole backup QB mentality since Nick Foles helped them win the damn thing, but a sloppy as fuck opener against the Falcons and being shown up by Ryan Fucking Fitzpatrick (watch them petition for that one) has already riled up fan disappointment (spoilt fucks).
Anyway, Carson Wentz is set to return, the Eagles defence is still pretty good, and Andrew Luck really lacks a wideout option other than T.Y Hilton. Despite this, I'll be bold and enable my weekly Bold Pick of the Week in order to both spite the Eagles, and big up my compatriot writer in support for his Colts!
Winner: Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars vs Tennessee Titans
The Titans are forced to start Blaine Gabbert at QB due to Marcus Mariota being injured. Blaine Gabbert was drafted by the Jaguars over J.J. Watt in 2011. Blaine Gabbert defeated the Jaguars as a member of the Arizona Cardinals last season. Blaine Gabbert is the constantly recurring ex-girlfriend. Blaine Gabbert will beat the Jaguars.
Winner: Blaine Gabbert
Carolina Panthers vs Cincinanti Bengals
The Bengals are out of the gate hot with a 2-0 streak, and the Panthers still look like strong post-season contenders, despite a sluggish first half against the Falcons last week.
It'll be a good game to watch, but I'm gonna go with the Panthers and hope reality catches up with the Bengals.
Winner: Panthers
Baltimore Ravens vs Denver Broncos
So the Baltimore 'dodgy car' Ravens broke down against the Bengals last week, and face a tough opponent in the Broncos, who may have finally gotten over the hump, despite their close call victories: win's a win, though.
With the Ravens, you can never tell, so this is a game to keep an eye on.
Winner: Broncos
Atlanta Falcons vs New Orleans Saints
The Falcons have now found their rhythm, and the Saints nearly lost to the fucking Browns. I don't know what's happened down in New Orleans, but shit needs to change and fast!
This could go either way. As we've seen, the Falcons are the definition of "could of, should of, didn't", and the Saints can default to mediocrity between seasons instantly.
Winner: Falcons
Los Angeles Rams vs Los Angeles Chargers
Ahh, yes, The Battle for Los Angeles, or as I like the call it, The Battle of How Many Fans Will Show Up.
Let's face it, even if the Rams are all-in this season, it still won't change the fact that the city rejects both them and the Chargers. The Rams at least have the chance to change minds, being in the state that they are; the Chargers...not so much. They may have beaten the Bills, but I can't see them winning over the Rams. This isn't exactly Giants vs Jets is all I'm saying. Still, Rams to win.
Winner (of LA): Rams
Arizona Cardinals vs Chicago Bears
Strap yourselves in, Cardinals fans, this season's gonna be a long one. Destroyed by the Redskins, and fucking shut out by the Rams, the Cardinals have gone from frail to straight up dead. I expected a downswing season, but not like this. You do have good parts on your team, with a promising young QB on the way, but now you have this upstarting Bears team looking to finally answer the call and get things done.
It's gonna be painful.
Winner: Bears
Seattle Seahawks vs Dallas Cowboys
oh, boy, what a match-up...
So the Seahawks look...well, really bad. Russell Wilson can Michael Vick all he wants, though I don't think it's enough to save the team. As for the Cowboys, the jury is still out on Dak Prescott. Elliot's back, though, so he can feast on yards as he tears through that now defunct 'hawks defence.
Winner: Cowboys
Detroit Lions vs New England Patriots
Well, well, well, look who it is: Mr New Head Coach hosts his former team as the Matt Patricia Lions take on the evil empire of Darth Belichek's Patriots.
So the Lions were utterly exposed and destroyed in Week 1, but at least kept it close with the 49ers, so there is still hope. The Patriots defence is starting to show age, and hopefully Matt Stafford can pull yet another miracle out of his ass like he's played himself in fantasy football. Then again, this is the Patriots. They'll find a way...
Winner: Patriots
Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs Pittsburgh Steelers
...Well...uhh...who saw this coming?
The Bucs are 2-0 to start the season, despite their usual sex pest of a QB, and Ryan fucking Fitzpatrick is a fantasy football god! Do not pay this man, Tampa! He did the same to the Jets not too long ago! Once you pay him, he'll suck, then move onto some other team desperate enough to take him as a back-up, only for him to conveniently make his way to the starting role, excel, steal the job, demand money, then the cycle repeats. It's the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle. It cannot be broken, it can only be contained. For now, he's playing good and that's all that currently matters for the Bucs.
Meanwhile the Steelers, after spending years upon years just coasting by on the elite talent that they stumbled upon, is now finally starting to corrode from the inside. LeVeon Bell would rather party down in Miami than even consider playing a down for the Steelers while his contract negotiations remain in purgatory. Big Ben Roethlisberger is an now an immobile pick machine, and Antonio Brown is a cocky shit who whines about not getting the ball enough and toying with the idea of being traded. I'd be reaching for the panic buttons about now, Steelers fans...
Winner: Buccaneers
So that's your week 3 roundup. Some really good games lined up this week, so let's sit back and enjoy the outcome! Thank you all for reading, and we'll see you next time for the review!
Go Giants!
-Kyle
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