NFL Divisional Finals Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour

NFL Week 15 Review:
By Stuart Tomlin

Well, I’m back. Did I miss much?

I’m out of the dreaded exam season, and have something of a laptop working again. So, I’m back.

The NFL trundled on and there were many exciting incidents, like the Seahawks trying to fight the Jaguars fans, the NFL not having a clue what the hell a catch is…and the Colts haven’t won since the 5^th of November. So, I haven’t missed too much then.

The actual prediction scores won’t feature in this preview, as I have absolutely no idea what they are right now. We’re working on that, and should have an update soon.

So, week 15 was a fun one wasn’t it? Completely missed our game because of the exam the next day, and that’s probably just as well. I’m gonna attempt to talk about it and every other game that I actually did watch thanks to RedZone. Let’s get on with it shall we?

Indianapolis Colts 13-25 Denver Broncos
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana

Well, that was a bit of a shitshow, wasn’t it? Our Colour Rush uniforms are basically the same as our actual uniforms, bar blue pants (still not the worst blue controversy of the week, thank you blue passports you absolute disaster) and we blew yet another lead because of fucking course we did. Trevor Siemian got hurt when we were leading, and Brock Osweiler passed all over our defence for the third fucking time in two weeks. End this season already, and fire Pagano, for fuck’s sake Indy. At least we’re getting Luck back and are picking in the top five. And will have a new head coach. Next year better be fun, because this one sure hasn’t been. On a final note, this was the final Thursday Night game of the season. Bet you’re missing TNF already.

Detroit Lions 20-10 Chicago Bears
Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan

Oh boy, what a wasted season for the Bears. John Fox is joining Chuck Pagano on the head coaching scrap heap at the end of the season, while the Bears join the Colts in being linked to Jim Harbaugh amongst others. The Lions meanwhile didn’t have to rely on their usual fourth quarter comeback, because they were playing the fucking Bears. They kept their mild playoff hopes alive, but they’re going to have to beat out one of the Carolina Panthers or the Atlanta Falcons to do it. Yeaaaaaaah…good luck with that. On the plus side, the Lions were the first team to come up for my bet this week. More on that later.

Kansas City Chiefs 30-13 Los Angeles Chargers
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri

I got home late on Saturday night after my Christmas night out with my friends up here in Aberdeen, and to my delight after initially putting on an old WrestleMania, I remembered there was in fact football on. So, this game went on, and I thought to myself…two teams battling for a divisional title, this will be a close run game…nope! The Chargers fell to absolute bits under the lights and blew their chance to take the lead in the division, but they’ve always had problems beating the Chiefs. Philip Rivers went into complete meltdown mode, throwing three interceptions within four drives towards the end of the game. The other drive ended in a fumble by the offence. And then the commentator mentioned that Philip Rivers looked displeased with his defence. HE THREW THREE INTERCEPTIONS IN FOUR DRIVES AND THE OTHER ONE ENDED IN AN OFFENSIVE FUMBLE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR DEFENCE…ahem. Anyway, the Chiefs look to have taken the division, and the Chargers will probably be sitting at home in January. This was win two on my bet. In the famous words of UrinatingTree: “Fuck you, Spanos!”

New York Giants 29-34 Philadelphia Eagles
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

The 11-2 Eagles, having already won the NFC East and looking to secure the first round playoff bye, unfortunately for them, begun life for the rest of the season without Carson Wentz. They decided to pay tribute to this fact by playing absolutely terribly on defence and almost losing to the 2-11 Giants. Which to be honest would have put the Giants below us in the Draft order, so you wouldn’t have heard me complaining. However, Nick Foles managed to rally the Eagles and scrape them to victory over the struggling Giants. Eli Manning played well here and showed that he still has something in the tank. Hopefully he gets another season to put that right in New York…I mean, New Jersey technically, but…regardless, without McAdoo there to ruin his starting streak, Eli will hopefully bounce back next year. As for the Eagles, they simply have to play better than this if they’re going to do anything in the playoffs.

Minnesota Vikings 34-7 Cincinnati Bengals
US Bank Stadium, Minneapolis, Minnesota

The Vikings, win three on my bet for the week, continued their march towards potentially being the first team to play in the Super Bowl in their own stadium by absolutely leathering the Bengals six ways from Sunday. The feel good moment of the weekend came, when the Vikings, 34-0 up, put Teddy Bridgewater in for the first time since the 2015 playoffs. A truly incredible moment. And then he immediately threw an interception. That didn’t matter though as it was still a great moment for a team you feel could go all the way this year. The Bengals meanwhile will most likely be parting ways with Marvin Lewis this year. He’s stepping down, or maybe he’s not, depending on who you listen to. Regardless, I bet they’ll miss all those Wildcard exits…who are they looking to replace him with…Hue Jackson. Oh dear Lord. Going from Wildcard exits to the potential leader of the second 0-16 in history. Bengals gonna Bengal.

Cleveland Browns 10-27 Baltimore Ravens
FirstEnergy Stadium, Cleveland, Ohio

Speaking of the 0-16 Browns, we can’t call them that just yet. But it’s close. It’s very very close. The final home game at the Factory of Sadness came and went, and the Browns were still winless on the year. And the Ravens went and humiliated them as standard. The new regime has already blamed the old regime for their mistakes. That sounds about right, they’ll fit in fine here. The Browns are two losses away from history and I don’t think any team deserves the distinction any more than they do. Have fun in Cincinnati, Hue! The Ravens meanwhile are still in with a chance of the playoffs, and I hope they make it. There’s nobody the Patriots like playing in the playoffs less than the Ravens. Fingers crossed. This was unsurprisingly another win for my bet.

Washington Redskins 20-15 Arizona Cardinals
FedEx Field, Landover, Maryland

The Washington Namechanges officially killed off the playoff hopes of the Cardinals this week in what was a very close game. The Cardinals had a chance to win it in the final drive of the game, but it fell short. It was an interesting game for a game that ultimately means nothing as neither team will most likely make the playoffs – and in the Cardinals case, this was the game that eliminated them. I don’t really have much to add for this game. Kirk Cousins will likely be playing elsewhere next season, and Adrian Peterson is out for the rest of the year with a neck injury. That sounds about right.

Carolina Panthers 31-24 Green Bay Packers
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina

“You’ve been watching film, huh? That’s cool, watch this!”

Says this and immediately throws a touchdown pass.

God, Cam Newton is cool.

Anyway, this was the mighty return of Aaron Rodgers, where he was going to make up for the shortcomings of the defence and lead the Packers back to the playoffs. And he threw three interceptions. Welp. The Panthers once again proved why I shouldn’t pick against them as they played the Packers off the park in the early going. And then the Packers started to lead a comeback in the late minutes. And converted an onside kick, and you thought it’s going to be yet another Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary miracle. Unfortunately for the Packers and their playoff hopes, it didn’t happen. He’s now back on the Injured Reserve. The Packers will miss the playoffs for the first time in a decade. Meanwhile, the Panthers are still within a shout of winning their division and are almost certain to be in the playoffs, and are a team nobody wants to play in the playoffs. A return to the Super Bowl just two years after? Wouldn’t bet against it right now. Bet their new owner Diddy will be delighted with that effort from the North Carolina Panthers. The less said about Jerry Richardson, the better.

New Orleans Saints 31-19 New York Jets
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

The Jets were without Josh McCown, and it showed. That is a weird sentence at the start of the year, but here we are. The Saints marched down their throats the entire afternoon with the best running tandem in the league in Kamara and Ingram. The Jets to their credit kept it close for a while, but then fell to bits at the end. This might be the Saints’ best chance for a Super Bowl victory since 2009 when they actually won it…yeah, still bitter about that one. If they get to the Super Bowl, can they onside kick it against the Patriots successfully? If so, all is forgiven. This was win five on the bet slip this week.

Buffalo Bills 24-19 Miami Dolphins
Ralph Wilson Stadium, Buffalo, New York

Yup, still not calling it New Field. Anyways, after Jay Cutler and the Dolphins shocked the Patriots last week, Jay Cutler returned to the Jay Cutler we all know and love. Absolute fucking pish. The Bills kept their playoff hopes alive by torching the Miami Dolphins defence, especially with a fantastic first-half performance by Tyrod Taylor. However, they’re going to have to go through a Patriots team that are playing for the first overall seed in the AFC to do it. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. That could prove quite difficult. There’s always a chance though.

Jacksonville Jaguars 45-9 Houston Texans
Everbank Field, Jacksonville, Florida

Speaking of first time in a decade, the Jaguars secured their playoff qualification for the first time in a decade, and Jaguars fans everywhere celebrated. A lot. A hell of a lot. I mean, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen their fans tipping them for the Super Bowl. I’m trying to decide what would be funnier, the Jaguars losing in the first round or the Jaguars eliminating the Patriots in the playoffs. Hmmm…either would probably be hilarious. Regardless, they took a poor Texans team without their starting quarterback or JJ Watt to absolute bits. Ach well, Houston, you can always enjoy that high draft pick…you traded it to Cleveland, huh? Oh boy. Also, this was win six on my betslip.

Seattle Seahawks 7-42 Los Angeles Rams
CenturyLink Field, Seattle, Washington

In a game that would go a long way to deciding the NFC West…in Seattle…the Rams were leading 34-0. At halftime. What the hell has happened to the Seahawks? They’ve gone from NFC perennial playoff contenders and title contenders to fighting the fans, and each other. They’ve lost all semblance of discipline this season and are now staring a potential season without the playoffs in the face. The Rams meanwhile have been outstanding this year and Jared Goff has been incredible. Amazing what can happen to your team when you fire Jeff Fisher, huh? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD INDY DO NOT HIRE JEFF FISHER. I could probably say that for any team in the league. I mean look at the difference between last year’s Rams and this year’s Rams. It’s scary.

Pittsburgh Steelers 24-27 New England Patriots
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

In the absolute game of the week, and probably of the season before, the NFL decided to play the NFL’s favourite gameshow of “What is a Catch?” at the worst possible moment. After Juju ran for all of the yards to put the Steelers within the goal-line, a touchdown pass thrown to tight end Jesse James was ruled out due to him not surviving the ground. The catch rule is fucking stupid. The Steelers then, instead of kicking the field goal to take the game to overtime…faked a spike…instead of kicking THE FUCKING FIELD GOAL TO GUARANTEE OVERTIME THEY THREW A FUCKING PASS AND IT WAS INTERCEPTED TO GIVE THE PATRIOTS THE GOD DAMN FUCKING VICTORY FOR FUCK’S SAKE PITTSBURGH YOU’VE JUST GIVEN THE FUCKING PATRIOTS THE NUMBER ONE SEED AND THEY’RE PROBABLY GONNA KEEP IT NOW FOR FUCK’S SAKE FUCK FUCK FUCK…Anyways, what the hell were they thinking? Sighhh…a team throwing an interception on the goal-line against the Pats in the dying seconds. Now where have I seen that before? On the plus side, I had the Patriots on my bet slip and that’s seven out of eight. I might actually win my bet this week!

San Francisco 49ers 25-23 Tennessee Titans
Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, California

Ok, Tennessee. You’ve taken the lead in the final minute of the game. You’ve not been great this season, but you’re the last game on my bet slip and I need you to win for £183. Don’t fuck it up please. You need this for the AFC South and I need this for my bet. You can do it! Why are you letting Jimmy Garoppolo march the Niners down the field? Why are you getting into field goal range? Why are you falling to bits now? Okay, it’s quite far out. No guarantee that Robbie Gould is going to make this field goal…he’s made the field goal in the dying seconds. Two seconds away from winning my bet. TWO FUCKING SECONDS AWAY GOD FUCKING DAMN IT TENNESSEE WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARDS.

I hate you Titans, and I hope you miss the playoffs. The Betting Bastards of the Week to end all Betting Bastards of the Week.

Oakland Raiders 17-20 Dallas Cowboys
Oakland Alameda Coliseum, Oakland, California

So it turns out I’ve been calling the Raiders’ stadium the wrong name the entire season. That’s a perfect summary of their season, as I was also wrongly calling them playoff contenders for much of the season. That hope died in this game against the Cowboys, who don’t have all that much of a chance themselves. This was a close game however. However it was somewhat spoiled by the officials not knowing what a first down is, and Derek Carr fumbling the ball into the endzone for a touchback in a challenger for the NFL’s most stupid rule. That ended the game and pretty much ended the playoff hopes of the Raiders. The Cowboys meanwhile need to win out, hope the Lions lose one, and one of the Falcons, Saints and Panthers go 0-2. See you in September, Dallas!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21-24 Atlanta Falcons
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

The Falcons almost blew yet another lead in this game, but the Buccaneers managed to out-do them on this occasion. Jameis Winston turned up to actually play football this week and looked massively improved, outplaying Matt Ryan, who struggled this week, and the Falcons looked like they were going to blow yet another lead despite the efforts of Devonta Freeman. And then, in shades of Roberto Aguayo, the Buccaneers missed yet another field goal in hilarious fashion, allowing the Falcons to escape with victory. This was a nervous one for me personally as my fantasy team were finished for the week, and my opponent had the Falcons’ defence and kicker, and it looked like they were going to beat me (for the third fucking time this year), and send me to the last place game. However, thankfully I managed to escape with the win. Much like the Falcons. One plus side of this horrible, horrible season: I won’t finish last in fantasy this year.

And that’ll do it for this week. It’s good to be back, and good to be raging at football once again.

Preview up either tonight or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow.

Go Colts.