NFL Week 12 Review: By Kyle Balfour

It's December! Nothing like the realisation that the date now has a recurring 12 in the middle to set people into a festive frenzy! Mariah Carey owns the radio waves once more as everything becomes just a little bit brighter thanks to festive lighting. It's cold, but at least everything's pretty.

What is it we do here again? Ohh, yeah! Sports! Week 12 has come and gone, with only a few more vital weeks for certain teams desperate for a playoff spot to try and make the difference. So let's recap with a review of Week 12!

Detroit Lions vs. Minnesota Vikings

Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan

Result: Lions 23-30 Vikings
Kyle Said: Vikings (1-0)
Stuart Said: Vikings (1-0)

So we begin the Thanksgiving festivities with a nice old rivalry game between the Lions and the Vikings. Congratulations to Matthew Stafford surpassing Tony Romo for most completed yards on Thanksgiving gameday. Easy to do when both these teams host the Thanksgiving games every year...

So both teams are slugging it hard, for the Vikings it's to assert further dominance over the division; as for the Lions, it's to stay in the race for the wild card. Stafford and Case Keenum are having solid games. Stafford helped propel Marvin Jones to one hell of a night, while Keenum lobbed it to anyone willing, and rested well on a steady running game. 

It all comes down to the final play: a Vikings field goal attempt to put the game away...it's blocked! And it's returned for a Lions touchdown. Unfortunately, an offside ruling is called by Lions' Cornerback Darius Slay. A brutal call if you're a Lions fan. Sadly, I have to agree. Looking at the highlights, Slay moves off the line just barely prior to the snap, and I think if he had moved at the snap, I'm not sure he would have made it in time...same old news for the Lions.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Los Angeles Chargers

AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas
Result: Cowboys 6-28 Chargers
Kyle Said: Chargers (2-0)
Stuart Said: Chargers (2-0)

...hey, where did all dem boyz go?

Good god, Cowboys...blown out by the Chargers at home? That shit's hilarious!

Seriously, though. That was like watching a completely different team. The offence went nowhere, and the defence rolled over to die as Philip Rivers shelled the Cowboys like a full blown blitz. It's almost as if you're back to being total trash without the quick fix of Zeke to save you. Now I know why Jerry Jones was so eager to appeal his sentence, and so pissed when it wasn't gonna happen...

Washington Redskins vs. New York Giants

FedExField, Landover, Maryland
Result: Redskins 20-10 Giants
Kyle Said: Redskins (3-0)
Stuart Said: Redskins (3-0)

So a shitty, injury riddled Giants 'team' continues its obligation to take to the field against a faltering Redskins squad. Shitty offence met shitty defence for the Giants, which allowed the game to remain tight, yet incredibly boring. However, the competent Redskins offence was met with the Giants run down defence, which showed in the 4th quarter, where the Redskins walk away victorious...

Whatever...

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns

Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio
Result: Bengals 30-16 Browns
Kyle Said: Bengals (4-0)
Stuart Said: Bengals (4-0)

Nothing much to say on this one. I get that the Bengals don't really have much to play for this season, but will they fuck be the team that loses to the Browns. Bengals won, Browns lose, 0-16 is still alive.

New York Jets vs. Carolina Panthers

MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Result: Jets 27-35 Panthers
Kyle Said: Panthers (5-0)
Stuart Said: Panthers (5-0)

Presenting: the Carolina Panthers with their best Pittsburgh Steelers impression!

This, by all accounts, should not have been a game. The Panthers should have just won this outright. Instead, like an eponymous animal, they toyed with their prey, allowing the Jets to remain in it for most of the game. Then, when the "oh shit, we actually need to win this!" set in, the Panthers went to work and snuffed out any hope the Jets most definitely had.

You've got Atlanta hot on your tail, Panthers (hey, more puns!). Do not fuck this up. As for the Jets...eh, dare to dream. Why the fuck not?

Indianapolis Colts vs. Tennessee Titans

Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana
Result: Colts 16-20 Titans
Kyle Said: Titans (6-0)
Stuart Said: Colts (5-1)

Another round of pain and misery comes out of Lucas Oil Stadium, as the Colts take a bad loss to the Titans, who continue the underdog story of the season. While I do support this underdog endeavour, the sad reality that they're gonna get blown the fuck out in round 1 of the playoffs (see also Texans vs Chiefs from a few years back) is unsettling.

Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia
Result: Falcons 34-20 Buccaneers
Kyle Said: Falcons (7-0)
Stuart Said: Falcons (6-1)

The Falcons keep the race for wild card tight between themselves and the Panthers. The Falcons spared no one in this offensive display, echoing back to last seasons brilliant performances. However, shoddy defence allowed the Bucs to keep it somewhat close.

So it appears that the Bucs season (along with my initial prediction for them to make wildcard) has gone out the window...to the pit of misery, they go!

New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins

Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachchusetts
Result: Patriots 35-17 Dolphins
Kyle Said: Patriots (8-0)
Stuart Said: Patriots (7-1)

Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Chicago Bears

Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Result: Eagles 31-3 Bears
Kyle Said: Eagles (9-0)
Stuart Said: Eagles (8-1)

Look away, children. This is brutal.

I called this one from a mile away. The Eagles absolutely destroyed the Bears in every sense of the word. Soldier Field became a tomb of the unknown after what the Eagles did.

Now Bears fans are calling for the head of coach John Fox. Not a lot of favourable winds blowing for the windy city...

Kansas City Chiefs vs. Buffalo Bills

Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri
Result: Chiefs 10-16 Bills
Kyle Said: Chiefs (9-1)
Stuart Said: Chiefs (8-2)

Kansas City Chiefs, you bunch of bet busting bastards! Good thing I don't actually wager on these...

Still, yet another embarrassment has occurred. After falling to the lifeless Giants last week, now you bow down to the mediocrity defining Buffalo Bills. The Chiefs offence was nowhere to be seen, and Alex Smith went back to his usual self: over shooting targets like he thinks they can fucking teleport. Sadly, this was yet another one of those "one team has to win" scenarios, so the Bills squeaked it.

Chiefs: we need to talk. You're 6-5 right now. You were 5 and fucking 0 to start! The fuck has happened?!! You've got the unpredictable Jets next week. For the love of god, do not fuck this one up!

San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks

Levi's Stadium, Santa Clara, California
Result: 49ers 13-24 Seahawks
Kyle Said: Seahawks (10-1)
Stuart Said: Seahawks (9-2)

So C.J. Beathard got injured, forcing the Niners to bring out the Brady protege of Jimmy Garoppolo. Please don't die! Oh, wait, he scored a touchdown with only 2 passes? Ah, he'll be fine.

While Jim might be ok (I mean, who'd want to hurt that perfect face?), the Niners still have work to do before their back to the days of old. The Seahawks, meanwhile, as they continue to shake off injury plague, perform admirably, but definitely not good enough to win against a legitimate contender.

You can still make the playoffs, legion of boom!

Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Broncos

Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, Oakland, California
Result: Raiders 21-14 Broncos
Kyle Said: Raiders (11-1)
Stuart Said: Raiders (10-2)

So Paxton Lynch now takes the stage of this wheel of fortune style quarterback situation...aaand he's gone. Next!

So while the Broncos couldn't muster up anything against the Raiders until the fourth quarter, when Trevor Siemian took over for injured Lynch, performing admirably albeit way too little, way too late, the Raiders wake up on the right side of the hot/cold season they are currently having.

Los Angeles Rams vs. New Orleans Saints

Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles, California
Result: Rams 26-20 Saints
Kyle Said: Rams (12-1)
Stuart Said: Saints (10-3)

It's time for the main event: the Battle of the Bandwagons!

After both teams were initially projected to be mediocre, and have now emerged as 2 of the best offences in the league, the hype would be real in a match up such as this. Unfortunately, in the end, there can be only one.

This time, it was the Rams. Jared Goff showed that he can dance with the best, outgunning Drew Brees himself. Despite a hell of a night from Saints' Alvin Kamara, the likes of Todd Gurley, Cooper Kupp, and Sammy Watkins propelled the Rams to victory.

If both teams keep this up, we could be looking at one hell of a rematch come playoff time!

Arizona Cardinals vs. Jacksonville Jaguars

University Of Arizona Stadium, Glendale, Arizona
Result: Cardinals 27-24 Jaguars
Kyle Said: Jaguars (12-2)
Stuart Said: Jaguars (10-4)

Hey, Jaguars! Remember that quarterback you drafted over J.J. Watt a couple years back? Well now you're facing him, and he remembers what you did.

So Blaine Gabbert faces his former team, and makes the fragile Cardinals look competitive against the playoff bound Jaguars (man, what a weird phrase to utter...). To the victor go the bragging rights. The Jaguars are now left with the realisation that they are the new Houston Texans: great offensive pieces, solid defence, terrible quarterbacking. How long until Blake Bortles gets tossed to the wind like they did Gabbert?

Normally I'd be pissed at this type of score given my prediction, but when the narrative is set up like the way that it is, all I can do is laugh.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Green Bay Packers

Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Penslyvania
Result: Steelers 31-28 Packers
Kyle Said: Steelers (13-2)
Stuart Said: Steelers (11-4)

I should really start up a drinking game in which every time the Steelers downplay to their competition, chug a beer.

If I knew nothing of Aaron Rodgers being injured, and I saw this score, I'd might have thought it as a legitimate match. This is not the case, however, and the Steelers downplayed dramatically to the Packers. haphazard interceptions by Big Ben, "defensive" action, all culminating in the Steelers settling to win on a final second field goal.

You're gonna be so fucked when you inevitably face the Patriots in the playoffs. 

As. Fucking. Per.

To be fair, Antonio Brown had a hell of a night. That catch was hella tight.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Houston Texans
M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland
Result: Ravens 23-16 Texans
Kyle Said: Ravens (14-2)
Stuart Said: Ravens (12-4)

I miss Deshaun Watson...

Had the Texans been healthy, I'd have pegged this game to be great, but I didn't invent reality, I just live in it...

It's hard to tell how good the Ravens are with that old car offence, especially when the opponent is a hollow husk. They won, but will it continue?

There we have it! Week 12 concluded, and we edged closer and closer to the promised land that is the NFL Playoffs! In the meantime, let's check me and Tomlin's prediction scores:

Kyle: 108-68

Stuart: 110-66

Ohh, I'm closing the gap! Also, don't mean to brag, but that was a solid week of picks from myself. I can't blame too much on the Jags, leaving only the Chiefs to legit low ball me this week, as well as their fans.

Here's to more of that good shit next week!