NFL Week 14 Review/Week 15 Preview by Stuart Tomlin

Well, the exam season is officially over.

Unless you have an exam on Friday.

Can’t relate.

In the meantime, it’s time to get back to the truly important things in life.

Writing complete nonsense about the NFL.

Pretty much making this a quick-fire double as Thursday Night Fitba is on tonight between the Chiefs and the Chargers (should be a fun one, right?). Any chance Melvin Gordon can be back? My fantasy team kinda relies on him coming back and doing absolute bits once again. Any chance? Please?

Shall we get to the week?

Man, this is weird. I went the entire opening bit without mentioning the Colts.

Well, almost, I guess.

Titans v. Jaguars: Derrick Henry scored four touchdowns. Four. Absolute madness. Sacksonville couldn’t hit anyone if they tried and the highlight of their night was a safety, as the Ten Fucking Titans utterly annihilated them six ways from Thursday. I really kinda regret cutting Derrick Henry in fantasy. Although, to be honest, did he really do anything else before that? And I’d already qualified for the playoffs. I guess I can live with it. From trendy pick to win the Super Bowl…to this. Jaguars gonna Jaguar. Final Score: Titans 30, Jaguars 9.

Browns v. Panthers: The Cleveland Browns…are competent? I’m not sure how I feel about this timeline. Donald Trump being President and Brexit being a thing is bad enough. Ehh, at least the Browns being competent isn’t gonna destroy us all. In the meantime, they beat out a Panthers team who are in utter freefall. What the hell is happening in Carolina this year? They were in the damn Super Bowl three years ago, and now they’re just falling to absolute bits. Ron Rivera could well be on his way out at this rate. Final Score: Browns 26, Panthers 20.

Chiefs v. Ravens: An absolute belter of a game between the AFC leading Chiefs and a potential winner of the AFC North in the Ravens. Lamar Jackson very much looks like the future of the Ravens Quarterback room, and Joe Flacco will probably be playing his football in Jacksonville or for the Giants next season. Maybe re-negotiate that contract, if you’re gonna trade for him. Turns out losing your number one running back for him being a scumbag hasn’t hit the Chiefs too hard? Mahomes is still doing absolute bits and throwing passes without looking. He’s probably the MVP at this rate. A missed field goal to win the game and then sealing it in overtime. Can’t wait till Kansas City go Full Reid in the Divisional. Final Score: Chiefs 27, Ravens 24 (overtime)

Texans v. Colts: Nine straight wins for the Texans. We heard that all week. And yet the Colts walked into TY Hilton Stadium in Houston, to give it its new official name, and utterly rattled the Texans. It was utterly glorious. Hilton had a Hilton-esque game in Houston as he always does and Andrew Luck did absolute bits. Even with the refs performing a stunning bit of Refball, the Colts managed to come out on top. This was a game we had to win and we very much won it. We’re still alive in this. “It’s coming home…” and so on, and so forth. Final Score: Texans 21, Colts 24.

Dolphins v. Patriots: Why do the Patriots always screw up in Miami? Every single season, they seem to just fall to absolute bits in South Beach? This time around, they found an incredibly new and hilarious manner in which to lose – losing to a last second lateral play that never ever works…and yet it worked here. It was utterly fantastic for absolutely anyone who is not a Patriots fan…so like 97% of the NFL? Even if it hurt our playoff chances a little, I’m not even mad. Gronk stumbling over himself as Drake ran past him for the winning touchdown was utterly glorious. Final Score: Dolphins 34, Patriots 33.

Washington D.C. v. Giants: Washington started Mark Sanchez. It went as incredibly badly as you’d expect. The Giants were up 31-0. At the HALF. Washington brought in a fourth string QB, and he was still utterly miles better than Sanchez. The guy took one snap for the Browns in 2012, his last meaningful NFL snap before this game, and it resulted in a sack fumble? How can you actually be worse than him? Man, you should probably look at Kaepernick, I hear he’s still available…as for the Giants, they seem determined to screw up the Tank in any way possible. Can they get back to it in week 16? Please? Final Score: Washingtons 16, Giants 40 (FORTY).

Buccaneers v. Saints: The Buccaneers made a bit of a game of it, giving the Saints a bit of a scare and forcing Drew Brees to step up and lead a comeback. The Saints have now won the NFC South as a result of this, and due to a Rams-Bears result later in the week, now have the number one overall seed. Might be their year. They picked up our old TE Erik Swoope this week. Would be nice for him to get a ring, I guess. Final Score: Buccaneers 14, Saints 28.

Packers v. Falcons: In the “What the fuck has happened to these teams” Bowl (Catchy name, huh?), the now Mike McCarthy-less Packers took on the Curse of the Super Bowl hosts, the Falcons. I really can’t get past the fact that these two teams were in the NFC Championship and now they’re here? The Packers keep their slim playoff hopes alive by utterly battering the Falcons. Despite Joe Philbin calling two challenges. In the first quarter. Yep. That was a thing. The Falcons, meanwhile, are toast. What the hell has happened in Atlanta? Oh yeah, Super Bowl host curse. Good luck with that next year, Miami. Final Score: Packers 34, Falcons 20.

Bills v. Jets: A surprisingly high-scoring game of two utterly dreadful fitba teams. The Jets were only slightly better than the Bills but have probably hurt themselves more by winning and hurting their draft position. They’re both out of the postseason. The Bills now have a one-year drought out of the playoffs. Might wanna grab a seat, Bills fans. It might be a bit of a wait. Again. Final Score: Bills 23, Jets 27.

Chargers v. Bengals: The Chargers are a competitive, enjoyable to watch football team. The Bengals, really, really are not. And yet, hardly anyone came to see this game, because the Los Angeles Chargers. This was closer than expected but the Chargers were the better team and won out in the end. If they win the division, and that is still very possible, they’ll get a home playoff game. Imagine hosting a playoff game The Bengals are in the middle of an injury crisis that has doomed their season. Basically, your choices for head coach next year are another year of Marvin Lewis…or Hue Jackson. Lewis is a probable 7-9 season next year. Hue Jackson takes you into “With the first pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select…” territory. At least the Draft’s in Vegas. That’ll be fun. A night where careers can begin and end in the same evening. Fun. Final Score: Chargers 26, Bengals 21.

49ers v. Broncos: The Denver Broncos have been on a bit of a run lately and might have been pushing the playoff picture. In the theme of the week, the Broncos then fell to bits against a 49ers team who have been doomed since the injury to Jimmy Garoppolo. Just to think, I had them as a Wildcard team. What a time that was. Nick Mullens went from potential Greatest of All Time* to proving why he was undrafted and back again. At least George Kittle will be fun to watch next season when Jimmy G gets back? The Broncos meanwhile will probably consider the future of Vance Joseph as they likely miss out on the playoffs. Bradley Chubb’s been good though. Case Keenum has been…ok, I guess? Not quite what he was in Minnesota last year, but passable? None the less, Denver faces an uphill battle from here. Final Score: 49ers 20, Broncos 14.
*okay, this might have been a bit of an overreaction to a great performance against Grudenball and the Raiders

Cowboys v. Eagles: The Cowboys pretty much wrapped up the NFC East with a close win over the Super Bowl Champion Eagles in a huge blow to the Iggles’ season. Overtime was a close one but the Cowboys’ tear over the last few weeks won out. Who have they got next week, again? Ah yes. The Eagles meanwhile, look like they might miss out on a playoff appearance and a chance to repeat their title win from next year. Carson Wentz is likely to sit next week…hmmm…where have I heard this one before…Final Score: Cowboys 29, Eagles 23 (overtime)

Raiders v. Steelers: Ooft, the Steelers are falling to bits at the worst possible time, aren’t they? In danger of losing their grip on the AFC North and potentially the playoffs as a whole. Chris Boswell instead of kicking the field goal that would have levelled them, went full Charlie Brown, missed the ball and found himself on his arse. Kinda sums up the last few weeks for the Steelers. I mean, they lost to Grudenball. Who do they have next…the Patriots. A pissed off Patriots who lost in hilarious fashion and will be looking for revenge. Yikes. Final Score: Raiders 24, Steelers 21.

Cardinals v. Lions: Both of these teams are absolutely done. The Lions are a bad football team. The Cardinals are a worse football team. That’s probably all you really need to know. Man, poor Larry Fitzgerald. Finishing your career on THIS team. Final Score: Cardinals 3, Lions 17.

Bears v. Rams: A much more defensive game than I thought this would be but the combined efforts of the Bears defence and Jared Goff and Todd Gurley doing absolutely nothing won me my fantasy game last week, so I was happy with that. If I could get a repeat performance from all involved that’d be great as I’m facing the same guy as I played last week. In the meantime, the Bears have pretty much wrapped up the NFC North and are going to be playing Playoff Football for the first time in years. That Khalil Mack trade is looking better and better by the day. The Rams meanwhile lost ground in the bid for homefield advantage. That could be pretty costly come January. Seth Rollins loves football. Final Score: Bears 15, Rams 6.

Seahawks v. Vikings: Did you know Kirk Cousins is 0-7 in Monday Night Football? And that is the worst record by any starting Quarterback in the history of Monday Night Football? Probably the only thing that gives Landover Maryland fans any solace this week is the fact that Kirk Cousins isn’t exactly lighting it up in Minnesota this year. The Seahawks meanwhile put themselves one foot into the playoffs with this win over their nearest Wildcard rival and will probably be playing football in January. Most likely against Dallas. JerryWorld vs. the 12s, huh? Yeesh. Final Score: Seahawks 21, Vikings 7.

Well, that’ll sum it up for Week 14. Let’s get onto this week’s predictions!

Chiefs v. Chargers: The likely number one seed against the likely number five seed in the playoffs. What order that’s in is very much up for grabs here. I mean, if these two teams weren’t in the same division, they’d be the one and two seeds in the AFC. Might be time for a revision of the playoff picture, NFL…in the meantime, this should be an absolute belter of a game. Both teams have lost their starting running backs…who were both on my fantasy team. Thanks for that, lads. In the meantime, Melvin Gordon might be back for this game. Here’s hoping. Kareem Hunt will very much not be back this season. I’m torn, this is a game that is very difficult to pick…ughhh…you know what, the hell with it, I’m going for the upset. The Chargers have been on fire lately and honestly Phillip Rivers has been sensational. Plus, I like the Chargers D a little bit more than I like the Chiefs game. I might regret this pick, but the hell with it…Chargers.

Jets v. Texans: Saturday NFL Fitba is back…and it’s going to be an utter massacre. The Jets are a binfire of a team right now, and the Texans, despite losing to my Colts this past week (and how great that was), will be looking to battle for a first-round bye. I can only see this ending one possible way. Texans. In fact, I’m that confident, if the Texans don’t win this game, I’ll put up a video of myself doing the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets chant on Sunday on the Facebook page. Bet.

Broncos v. Browns: This is genuinely a hard game to pick. Both teams have been competent lately, and I’m still not used to saying that with the Browns. In fact, it’s December and the Browns are still alive in the playoff race…I mean, it’s a longshot, but still, the fact they still have a shot? Absolute madness. Again, not really used to this timeline. Anyways, I’m gonna take them to win this week. The Broncos are hit and miss and the Browns have been good to watch lately. The Browns will take the final dagger to the Broncos’ playoff hopes, and give their own slight hopes a boost. Browns.

Falcons v. Cardinals: The Falcons are almost out of the playoff race. The Cardinals are officially out. They’ve both been pretty terrible this season. Still, I’ll take the team that’s slightly less bad here, and that’s Atlanta. The Cardinals could well be picking first overall in April at this rate. Falcons.

Bengals v. Raiders: Ughhh. This is going to be dreadful. I’ll go with the team with the functioning quarterback. Raiders. Well, let’s be honest. I’m using that term “functioning quarterback” as loosely as I possibly can here.

Vikings v. Dolphins: It’s .500 the football game. The Vikings and Dolphins are both on the verge of the playoff spots, as it stands, Minnesota are in, Miami are out. But that could change based on this game…and they’re not even in the same conference. Big game for both teams, and this is the Sky game this week. Over Colts v Cowboys. Don’t get that one, to be honest. I’ll be glad for Gamepass. I’m torn on this one, but I’m gonna do what I almost always do when I’m on the fence…pick the team at home. Minnesota squeaks (shite pun klaxon) it out here. Vikings.

Colts v. Cowboys: Speaking of which, a massive game for both teams. I’m incredibly nervous for this one. We really need to win out if we’re going to make the postseason, and the Cowboys have won five straight. Hmm…ending streaks…where have I seen that one before? They can clinch the division if they win here. We need to win to keep up pace in the AFC Wildcard Race. I think this comes down to Andrew Luck against the Cowboys defence. I reckon if we can get to Dak and make him force plays, and stuff Elliott, then I think Luck will do enough. It’s coming home? Colts.

Ravens v. Buccaneers: A Buccaneers win would be lovely here. And while they’re not exactly an easy out at the moment…it probably won’t happen. Lamar Jackson leads the Ravens to yet another win and potentially top spot in the AFC North. Ravens.

Bills v. Lions: God, how many games this week are we getting that are completely pointless, bar Draft position? Can  pick the tie here?...I can’t? God damn it. Alright, let me get the coin again…Heads Bills, Tails Lions…it’s Miles Prower. Lions.

Bears v. Packers: The Bears could clinch the NFC North up against their hated rival Packers. After all the years of them having to suffer, it’s actually nice to see and I kinda hope it happens. Sorry Green Bay, you know I respect you (as long as you don’t hire McDaniels, seriously, don’t you dare), but it’s nice to see the Bears get their due after so many years. Khalil Mack meets Aaron Rodgers a few times and Chicago celebrates. Bears.

Jaguars v. Landover, Maryland: Oh God. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Godddddddddddddddddd. Jaguars. Do I even need to justify it?

Giants v. Ten F’N Titans: The Giants seem to be surging and desperate to play themselves out of the top ten of the Draft. The Titans need the win to keep pace in the AFC Wildcard Race. I’m massively hoping for a Giants win, but Eli will probably derp it away because that would just be my luck. Titans sneak it out. Titans. I hope not. I’m relying on your lot, Kyle! See you next week.

49ers v. Seahawks: The Seahawks are getting themselves into the Wildcard, despite my predictions of them going 8-8 this year. Well, they *could* lose their last three games? They won’t. They’re playing the Niners here. Congratulations, Seattle. Seahawks.

Steelers v. Patriots: The Steelers seem determined to blow their season in any possible way that they can. The Patriots are pissed off after their hilariously bad last play defeat against the Dolphins. The Steelers have a habit of losing to the Fucking Patriots in December. Can we really see any other outcome here? Patriots.

Rams v. Eagles: I would like Jared Goff and Todd Gurley to have a quiet week in fantasy. Therefore, the Rams are probably gonna score 40 against the soon to be former Super Bowl Champions. Well, the Eagles still have a chance? They’re starting Nick Foles, and that went well for them last year? Am I clutching at straws? I might be clutching at straws. Rams.

Panthers v. Saints: Carolina are falling to absolute bits. The Saints are the number one seeds in the NFC. The only thing the Panthers have going for them here is that I’m picking against them. Hang on…they lost last week and I picked against them? Huh. Streaks gotta end sometime, I guess. I’m gonna try and go 2 for 2 here. Sorry, Panthers. See you next year? You might have a new head coach by then. Meanwhile, the Saints go one step further to making the NFC go through New Orleans this January. Saints.

And that’s your Week 15 picks. Kinda thrown together at the last minute and with a slightly less formal format than usual. Week 15 review next week might be back to normal. Although, I dunno. I kinda like this more relaxed format.

We’ll see.

As always,

Go Colts.