Go For It On Fourth NFL Week Two Review

Go For It On Fourth NFL Week Two Review
By Stuart Tomlin

Ah September. The nights are drawing in, it’s a wee bit colder, and the NFL is back on. However, this week, the air seems a little bit clearer, people seem a little bit nicer, life seems a little sweeter.

Yes, the Colts won this week.

In other news it was another exciting week as a traditional powerhouse was toppled by a new potential replacement powerhouse led by one of the most exciting quarterbacks in the league. Yep, Ryan Fitzpatrick and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Philadelphia Eagles.

Also, the Patriots lost to the Jaguars.

I’m kinda getting into spoiler-esque territory here, but chances are if you’re reading this, you’re either an NFL fan and you know all of this already, or you’re a friend of mine who’s clicked on the link. Either way, I appreciate you checking out the article!

Wow, I really am positive this week, aren’t I? Amazing what a win can do.

Also also, Becky Lynch is now the SmackDown Women’s Champion. That has nothing to do with the NFL, but fuck it, she’s long overdue and I’m fucking made up for her. Well in, Becky.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Cincinnati Bengals v. Baltimore Ravens
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio

I swear, every week I forget how to spell Cincinnati. What I’m not forgetting is the fact that they seem to be on a bit of a run right now. AJ Green is an absolute star and pretty much won my mate his fantasy game on this night with his three touchdowns. The Bengals were 28-7 before the Ravens nicked a late first half touchdown but were unable to capitalise on that momentum. After pasting the Bills week one, Flacco was less impressive here, getting stripped sacked in the final two minutes which pretty much sealed the deal. The Bengals have been very impressive the first two weeks, stealing a win in Indianapolis week 1, nope, not still bitter about that, not at all, before following up with a punishing win over the Ravens. Whether they can continue their momentum all the way to their traditional Wild Card exit remains to be seen.

Man, if the Bengals ever get beyond the Wild Card Round, Freezing Cold Takes is going to have a field day.

Final Score: Bengals 34, Ravens 23.

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Kansas City Chiefs
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh

Just give Patrick Mahomes the MVP Award now.

Hyperbole aside, the de-facto rookie (he is a second year, but redshirted last season)…okay, the sophomore technically leading the Kansas City Chiefs has been utterly sensational so far this season. He’s thrown for ten touchdowns and no interceptions in two games. More than any other player in the first two games ever. He went to Heinz Field, a traditionally tough place to go, and utterly smashed the Steelers for six touchdown passes. The Steelers started very slowly, with the Chiefs going up 21-0, then brought it back to 21-all in the first half. Much like the Buccaneers and Saints last week, let’s play a game of “What the fuck is a defence?”. The Steelers almost matched the Chiefs in offensive play, with both teams putting up a ton of points. Patrick Mahomes is going to throw for all of the yards and all of the points this season. Big Ben is going to have to do the same if the Pittsburgh defence continues to be an absolute tirefire.

From Alex Smith three-yard checkdowns to this. Someone check the Chiefs fans for whiplash.

Final Score: Steelers 37, Chiefs 42.

New York Jets v. Miami Dolphins
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

You know what, I blame myself.

I bought into the Jets after one game and put them on my bet. That didn’t end well. Gamble responsibly, folks. (Disclaimer: not a joke. When the fun stops, STOP.)

Anyway, on a lighter note, the Jets, after one week where they obliterated the Lions away from home, came a bit back down to earth against a Dolphins team who have been surprisingly enjoyable so far this season. You know, when they’ve actually been able to play and it’s not been pissing down with rain. That aside, the Dolphins were the better side for much of this before the Jets put together a 74 yard drive under Darnold towards the end of the first half, which ended painfully when the final pass came within a yard of a touchdown and time agonisingly ran out on them. You can’t even blame them on that, that’s just unlucky. There will be some growing pains with Darnold this season but he has shown the flashes that gives Jets fans hope. Today though was not his day. They’re playing the Browns on Thursday, a game that, if it doesn’t descend into pure unfiltered clownball, which is fully possible – it’s the Jets and the Browns, two teams that fully epitome the Banter Years – then the Jets have a real shot of winning that game. As for the Dolphins, they’ll be looking to continue on their strong start to the season.

If the weather holds up, of course. Speaking of which, as of Wednesday and publishing, Storm Ally is taking place in Scotland. Fuck off, Ally.

Final Score: Jets 12, Dolphins 20.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. Philadelphia Eagles
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

Are…are the Buccaneers good?

Is this a thing now?

Ryan Fitzpatrick is fully completing step one and two of the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle, being absolutely sensational in the backup role. He’s probably gonna end up winning the job from Jameis Winston, and we all know how this ends. Sorry, Buccs fans. Enjoy this while he lasts. When he’s not cosplaying as Conor McGregor, Fitzpatrick has been putting numbers up for the Buccs in the backup role and is putting himself in contention to start the rest of the year. He has been making plays to the likes of DeSean Jackson (there’s a name you remember Eagles fans) and OJ Howard in this game. This is the first time in franchise history that the Buccaneers have multiple plus 75 yard scores in history. Wow. That’s a stat. As for the Eagles, they’ve been struggling with injuries as Wentz and Jeffrey missed this game, and London-born Jay Ajayi, Mike Wallace and Jason Peters were sidelined during this game, and the game was good as gone despite a late comeback attempt. On the plus side for the Eagles, their Lord and saviour Carson Wentz makes his return for them as he has been cleared for contact and will start next week.

Who are they playing next week?

…Ah, fuck.

Final Score: Buccaneers 27, Eagles 21.

New Orleans Saints v. Cleveland Browns
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Oh…Cleveland.

We didn’t think you could do it, but you did it.

Again.

You just keep finding new and increasingly hilarious ways to fail to win, huh?

I mean, stuff like the Kick Six against the Ravens was bad. Somehow avoiding 0-16 and having your best ever start since 2003 with a DRAW was hilariously bad.

But this. I think you’ve topped yourself here.

Down 18-12 in the last seconds of the game, you score a touchdown to level the game. Just needing the extra point to take the lead…

…and you’ve missed the extra point.

…The Saints are in field goal position, huh?

Yep, they’ve scored the winning field goal in the dying seconds.

Because Browns.

The Saints won despite themselves here. Their running game is struggling without Mark Ingram, and Alvin Kamara has mostly been kept in check. I love Michael Thomas though. All of the fantasy points, yes please. Keep doing that, Thomas. The rest of the team need to step up in the next few weeks.

Browns, you’ll get your win in the next few weeks. HAHA TIME FOR INDY…you’re not playing us this year, huh? Sorry about that. You’ll get your win eventually though. I believe in you.

I don’t know why, but I do.

Also, they announced they were releasing Josh Gordon for…reasons. Apparently, he turned up late for work this week, and was on thin ice. Let’s be honest, we all know they’re going to trade him somewhere…but where?

Final Score: Saints 21, Browns 18.

Washington D.C. Football Team v. Indianapolis Colts
FedEx Field, Landover, Maryland

Four years ago, I saw these two teams play live at Lucas Oil Stadium, and it was one of the best days of my life. Luck threw his career high five touchdowns and the Colts scored seven total. It was absolutely brilliant.

Sunday, I sat at home and watched these two teams play again for the first time since then. While it wasn’t quite as amazing as that St Andrew’s Day in 2014, the Colts were utterly magnificent on Sunday, especially defensively. A hot start from the offence sputtered midway through the game but was supported by a tremendous defensive performance, with Darius Leonard making 18 individual tackles and a sack. He’s an absolute hero already and he’s only going to get better. I should probably invest in his jersey soon. Margus Hunt was fantastic as well. Adrian Peterson was kept in check by the Colts defence, and Alex Smith did not throw a touchdown. Captain Andrew Luck, after sputtering midway through the game, remembered that he is in fact Andrew Luck and led a long-drive that ended in a touchdown to T.Y. Hilton and any doubt in the outcome was swiftly removed. The most positive thing for this game was the Colts managed to win despite Luck not being at his best, something that we’ve struggled…massively struggled to do in the past. We were a heart-breaking fumble last week away from 2-0 here, but quite frankly, this was utterly great none the less.

Is this…

…is this what hope in your NFL team feels like?

This is nice.

Let’s do more of this, Indianapolis.

Final Score: Washingtons 9, Colts 21.

Buffalo Bills v. Los Angeles Chargers
New Era Field, Buffalo, New York

See, I can accept the new name, huh? Although it’ll always be Ralph Wilson Stadium to me. Although although, it was Rich Stadium til 1998. Huh. The more you know. I was taught by a good friend recently to learn something new every day, and I guess that’s something new.

Something that’s not new this season, as young as this season is, is the Bills struggling. Josh Allen had his first start and it did not go well. I mean, Vontae Davis, cornerback formerly of the Colts and Dolphins, rage-quit at half-time.

He literally retired at half time of this game.

That’s about as much as you really need to know about how this game went for the Bills.

Melvin Gordon is fantasy gold.

How can a player literally retire at half time? Seriously? How is that a thing that happened?

Philip Rivers threw for a bunch of yards. The Bills were terrible.

Vontae Davis freaking retired at half-time though. That’s the story here. I mean I feel kinda bad for him, he seemed like he was done at the end of his time in Indianapolis, but retiring one and a half games into your Bills career? Are they that bad (yes) that you have to retire (yes) during the game (yes)? Still. He probably should have finished the game at least.

Wow.

Met him once actually, after the aforementioned Colts game against Washington in 2014. He seemed a nice bloke. I
kinda feel for him a bit.

But it’s still a strange move to retire during a game.

…The Bills are picking first in April, aren’t they?

Final Score: Bills 20, Chargers 31.

Green Bay Packers v. Minnesota Vikings
Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin

An absolute belter of a Wisconsin-Minnesota derby, as per usual. A stunning punt block by the Packers and Josh Jackson, a rookie, opened the scoring for Green Bay, collecting up the ball in the endzone after it had been blocked. The Vikes answered late in the first with a Cousins TD pass to Treadwell. The Packers led until the Vikings pegged them back, after a roughing the passer call on Clay Matthews which seemed controversial in nature, it didn’t really look like a foul to be honest. The Vikings didn’t give up the opportunity with an absolutely stunning touchdown pass from Kirk Cousins threaded through two defenders and into the hands of Adam Thielen, sending the game to overtime. In overtime, the kickers traded opportunities to absolutely fucking bottle the game, with the Vikings firstly missing a field goal, then the Packers missing a field goal to win it, and then the Vikings gonna Viking with a chance at a last second field goal that would have won the game…and missed it. The Vikings missing a critical field goal? Never…that NEVER happens. None the less, a belter of a game and a game that neither team deserved to lose. As it turned out, neither one of them did.

On a related note, I’ll never not enjoy American fans trying to work out the concept of draws.

BREAKING at time of writing (21.04, Monday 17^th September 2018): Dan Bailey has just signed for the Vikings. Congratulations, Minnesota. You finally signed a kicker worth a damn.

Final Score: Packers 29, Vikings 29. (OT).

Atlanta Falcons v. Carolina Panthers
Mercedes Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia

Damn it Carolina, you’re doing that thing again where I pick you to win, and you lose! Stop that!

The home of Super Bowl LIII and the not open on Sundays so why the fuck is it in a stadium of a sport that predominantly plays on Sundays Chick-Fil-A saw this NFC South clash between the Falcons and Panthers. The Falcons finally figured out how to do a RedZone as Matt Ryan led four successful touchdown drives after going 1-5 against the Eagles in the opener. Cam Newton struggled to adjust with life without Greg Olsen once again, and my fantasy team cried a little as my problems at the Tight End position showed a bit. (I have Kyle Rudolph and Jared Cook now.) The Panthers struggled in the run game but oddly Christian McCaffrey once again was the prominent weapon in the passing game. The Panthers had problems with dropping the ball and almost took a game-levelling touchdown with the final play. This is a game that could’ve gone either way, but the Falcons just did enough. With the Buccaneers looking good so far though, both of these teams will need to get into a higher gear in the weeks to come.

Seriously though Atlanta…is that Chick-Fil-A going to be closed during the fucking Super Bowl? That’s a Sunday game. Might wanna look into that.

Final Score: Falcons 31, Panthers 24.

Tennessee Titans v. Houston Texans
LP Field, Nashville, Tennessee

The Titans were without Marcus Mariota…and started Yo Gabbert Gabbert at Quarterback.

And they beat the Texans.

Ell oh Ell @ you, Houston.

DeShaun Watson looked improved and starting to get back to his potential rookie of the year before he got injured and ruled out for a season with a torn ACL, but the Texans made a rookie mistake that cost his team the win here. On the final play of the game, Watson made a pass to DeAndre Hopkins for a big game…into the middle of the field, and his foot was over the line of scrimmage when he made the pass, anyway. There was no way to stop the clock. Game over. The Texans lost to a Blaine Gabbert led Titans. Welp.
Please continue this form throughout the season, Houston.

Final Score: Titans 20, Texans 17.

Los Angeles Rams v. Arizona Cardinals
Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles, California

Last year, I saw these two teams play at Twickenham. The Rams utterly leathered the Cardinals, shutting them out entirely.

Sunday, they met again, this time at the Rams’ actual home stadium in Los Angeles. Well, until they move to their new home stadium, and rent a room to the Chargers. But in the meantime, these two teams played Sunday.

And the Rams utterly leathered the Cardinals, shutting them out entirely.

In London, it was 27-0. This time the Rams went one better and beat the Cardinals by thirty-four to nothing. Two teams that seem to very much be going in opposite directions. Todd Gurley is both fantasy treasure and a sensational running back. Imagine if you had the first pick in your fantasy league this year and took Le’Veon Bell over him. Heavy, that. The Cardinals had five first-downs in the entire game. FIVE. They can’t move the ball right now. The calls for Josh Rosen will probably come soon, if not already. They have David Johnson and can’t get him going. What the hell is going on in Arizona? However the Rams are rolling, and they were a trendy Super Bowl pick (and yes, they were my NFC Super Bowl pick, not that I claim to be anything resembling trendy) at the start of the season. They’ve done a lot to justify that selection so far.

Final Score: Rams 34, Cardinals 0.

San Francisco 49ers v. Detroit Lions
Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, California

The Second Coming, Jimmy Garoppolo, is back in the win column this week. He got picked off late in the game, then the Detroit Lions did Detroit Lions things and could not convert a fourth down to keep the game alive in midfield, handing the Niners the win. The Lions struggled against the run all game, with Matt Breida destroying them for yards all game long. Matthew Stafford did a traditional Matthew Stafford effort, struggled for most of the game then tried to lead a comeback late. Didn’t work out this time around. The Niners look a lot more likely to be in the post-season discussion right now than the Lions. I mean, the Lions got absolutely obliterated by the Jets week 1. This wasn’t quite that bad, but it…it wasn’t good.

Ambrose and Rollins v. McIntyre and Ziggler is on the Hell in a Cell repeat right now. It’s an ace match. Check it out. Again, nothing to do with the NFL, but I’m done on this game and I need to fill the column space, not gonna lie.

Jimmy G still looks like a good starter for the Niners.

Final Score: 49ers 30, Lions 27.

Jacksonville Jaguars v. New England Patriots
Everbank Field, Jacksonville, Florida

The Jaguars look for real. This was the first major test for them this season, against the Empire, the Patriots, without star running back Leonard Fournette. And they passed that test. And how. I’m not gonna lie, I was having to want the Pats to win because the Jags are in our division, but there’s something incredibly joyful about watching Tom Brady scream “DO YOUR JOB” to no one in particular. And Josh McDaniels screaming at his offence. My God, on a day when Frank Reich got his first NFL head coach win, we dodged a fucking bullet and a half with McDaniels. Thanks for picking our defensive co-ordinator. He’s ace. You rat.

Anyways, the Jags were admittedly fantastic, pressuring Brady and limiting Gronk. Jalen Ramsay stood up to his many words and was superb on this day. They look very much for real. Unfortunately. But they do.

Begin those Patriots’ “Empire is crumbling” hot takes once again, and watch them get proven wrong once again in week 3 on Sunday Night Football against *checks schedule*…the Lions. Oooooooh, boy. Good luck with that, Detroit!

In final news…guess where Josh Gordon’s been traded to?

Yep.

New England.

Because of fucking course he has.

The most New England move in the history of New England.

For fuck’s sake.

Maybe cancel the “Empire is crumbling” hot takes for now?

Final Score: Jaguars 31, Patriots 20.

Denver Broncos v. Oakland Raiders
Sports Authority Field at Mile High, Denver, Colorado

Jon Gruden traded Khalil Mack.

Case Keenum has thrown four interceptions in two games at Mile High this season so far. However, they still managed to win as the Raiders choked away a lead, dropping 13 unanswered points in the last two quarters.

Derek Carr completed 29-32 and a touchdown, and the Raiders still lost. How is that a thing that is possible?

Jon Gruden is going to probably David Moyes his ten year contract isn’t he?

Ten million a year.

Undrafted rookie Phillip Lindsay looks good for the Broncos.

Jon Gruden traded Khalil Mack.

Final Score: Broncos 20, Raiders 19.

Dallas Cowboys v. New York Giants
AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas

Death, taxes, the Cowboys playing the Giants on Sunday Night Football.

A week later than their traditional season-opening meeting (seriously, how often have the Cowboys and Giants met in the opening week of the season in recent years?) The Cowboys came out in a game that really summed up both teams over the last year or so. Dak Prescott did just enough to get the Cowboys over the line. Zeke Elliott did Zeke Elliott things. Tavon Austin opened up the Dallas Cowboys passing game in a limited appearance. Eli Manning is starting to regress behind an offensive line that is just absolute traffic cones at this point. Odell Beckham wasn’t able to get in the game, and neither was Saquon Barkley behind that offensive line. The Giants seriously need to consider the long-term future of Eli Manning – not just for this season, but beyond. As far as the Cowboys go, they have won this game, but they need to be more impressive on offence to make a bigger impact on the league as a whole this season.

Final Score: Cowboys 20, Giants 13.

Chicago Bears v. Seattle Seahawks
Soldier Field, Chicago, Illinois

Da Bears’ defence is fantasy gold so far this season. Delightful, as I drafted them in the fourteenth round.

Who knew that adding a defensive stud like Khalil Mack to a defence that was already pushing top ten would make such a massive difference? But here we are. Russell Wilson was sacked six times behind an offensive line which is running like its still being co-ordinated by Tom Cable. That legendary Seahawks Legion of Boom defence is all but gone. The Seahawks are 0-2 for the first time in years (seriously, when was the last time the Hawks were 0-2? Hmmm…a quick Wikipedia tells me 2015. So, the first time in three years. Still.) The Bears look like they might have a bit of an under the radar season with that defence and Mitchell Trubisky slowly starting to put it together.

Seth Rollins loves football.

Final Score: Bears 24, Seahawks 17.

And that will very much do it for this week! I went 8-7-1 on this week’s predictions, while Kyle went 10-5-1. Man, I can’t wait for a full week with no ties so we can actually say a proper number. Still, that takes me to 15-15-2 on the season, while Kyle is 17-13-2. I’ve got some catching up to do this week.

In other news, I won at fantasy again this week, taking me to the heady heights of 2-0. I can’t remember the last time I was 2-0 in my main league in fantasy. It’s nice. Long may it continue. Probably gonna start Kirk Cousins this week, because as much as I love Luck, Cousins against the Bills, yes please.

Hope you all have a great week, and hope your teams and fantasy teams all win, unless they’re playing mine.

Go Colts.