Go For It On Fourth NFL Week 1 Review

Go For It On Fourth NFL Week 1 Review:
By Stuart Tomlin

New content when I’ve still got 15 previews to post? Sure, why not.

(I’m working on those still. Hopefully have them all up before Sunday of Week 2. I promise I’ll be more organised next season. Uni, life stuff, going out on a Saturday night instead of working on this, stuff like that. You know, the usual.)

Week one was an eventful one, featuring the following things:

The longest game in NFL history since the NFL/AFL merger

The highest scoring opening week game of the Super Bowl era

The first tie of an opening weekend since 1971

My fantasy team actually winning a game

The Colts shooting themselves in the foot and breaking my heart.

Okay, that last one isn’t that unique.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Atlanta Falcons
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

The Eagles raised a banner for the first time, then got booed off at half-time. Never, ever change, Philadelphia. This game started late as it was not even remotely sunny in Philadelphia, and then was an utter binfire for the first three quarters of the game and then came alive in the dying minutes, as Nick Foles struggled for quite a bit of this game, then stepped up in the last quarter. This was very similar to the January playoff game, where the Falcons had a 4^th and Goal to win the game six points down in the last seconds, then choked it away. The Falcons, choking? Never. That NEVER (28-3) happens! The Eagles meanwhile actually did beat the Patriots in a Super Bowl. Because of this, Nick Foles already has a statue outside Lincoln Financial Field. He has one before Tom Brady. It was commissioned by Bud Light.

What a league.

Final Score: Eagles 18, Falcons 12

Indianapolis Colts vs. Cincinnati Bengals
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana

God damn it.

We were this close to winning our first opener for five fucking years. We were the better side for the entire first half and a lot of the second half. Andrew Luck is back to his best. This game had a wild start where Andy Dalton threw an interception that was almost returned for a Pick-Six, then Andrew Luck threw one right back in the Redzone. Sickening. Luck however looked at his best, going for over 300 yards and two touchdown passes. Shaun Williams is a dirty fucking bastard and I hope he gets a suspension. Shocking helmet-to-helmet hit on Luck. However, having been 13 points up, the Colts Colts’d the fuck out of it and bottled the lead. However, when we were expecting the Andrew Luck miracle comeback as he’s done so many times before, Jack Doyle fumbles the ball away and it’s returned for a touchdown. God fucking damn it. There was a lot to like about this game for Indy – defensively we looked a lot better, Luck’s offensive supporting cast was better than expected, and the gameplan from Frank Reich was fantastic. Just stupid penalties and turnovers, including that horrible fumble cost us. On the Bengals sideline, Joe Mixon is a good football player but a binfire of a human being, so fuck him. AJ Green is still ace, unfortunately. On the plus side, the post-game talk from Colts fans was some of the most positive stuff I’ve heard about the club in a long time, and was a breath of fresh air. This one stings a bit.

Final Score: Colts 23, Bengals 34.

Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

This game’s been kinda uneventful so far, huh? And it’s raining a wee bit…there’s some storms, huh? I’m sure this will pass soon. Bit of a delay. We’ll come back to this one.

Baltimore Ravens vs. Buffalo Bills
MT&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland

I told you so, Buffalo. I fucking told you so. I told you starting Nathan Peterman would lead to terrible, terrible things, but did you listen? Did you heck. You pushed Tyrod Taylor out of the club, but kept Peterman? Five interceptions in one half Nathan Peterman? It ended pretty much as you expected. The Bills got an absolute shellacking. I was comparing this game to Scott Tolzien starting for the Colts against the Rams last season, and this ended much the same way. Joe Flacco, clearly inspired by the new competition in Lamar Jackson, put up a hell of a performance here in the first two plus quarters, and with the game already put to bed, Lamar Jackson got his first snaps in the NFL in the second half. And looked pretty good. Sure, it was against the Bills, but we’ll take it right? Much like Scotland beating Albania, I guess we’ll take it. Here Buffalo, start Peterman week 8, would you? In fact, with Josh Allen sitting behind him, now might be a good time to put in a call to a certain Mr. Kaepernick. One final note from this game, I picked the Ravens as my Survivor pick this week. It paid off.

Final Score: Ravens 47, Bills 3.

New Orleans Saints v. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Mercedes Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Saints/Bucs: “What’s a defence?”

A fantastic game for the neutral or for those of you who enjoy high scoring games. And who the hell doesn’t enjoy high scoring games, apart from defensive players? The Saints and Buccaneers completely forgot about the concept of defending and just decided to score a shit-load of points on each other instead. Ryan Fitzpatrick rolled back the years in the absence of Jameis Winston…wow, did I just say Fitzpatrick “rolled back the years”? Huh. Anyway, he completed the first step to completing the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle (Sign as a backup, play well, replace the starter, get paid, suck, repeat) in fine style here. Drew Brees did Drew Brees things and got a ton of points both on the field and in fantasy, but it wasn’t quite enough. On a related note, apparently Ryan Fitzpatrick is about to become a father for the seventh time. He’s really challenging Philip Rivers and Leigh Griffiths on that front, huh? Seriously though, this game was great.

Final Score: Saints 40, Buccaneers 48

Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

It’s still pissing it down with rain.

New England Patriots v. Houston Texans
The Death Star…uhh, Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts

I see that deal the Patriots signed with Satan is still paying off. Two potential turnovers that fell into their hands, because of course they did. Deshaun Watson was absolutely awful for most of this game, completing less than 50% of his passes. The Patriots were very good in the trenches and kept J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney in check. The Texans had a few injuries because they’re the Houston Texans and they’re snakebitten. However the Pats almost bottled this in the end of the game, but because they’re the Pats and they have that deal with Satan, they managed to hold on to win the game. On the plus side though for me, that means an AFC South loss. They’re playing Jacksonville next week, which means I have to root for the Pats for two weeks in a row. For fuck’s sake.

Fuck Josh McDaniels.

Final Score: Patriots 27, Texans 20.

Minnesota Vikings v. San Francisco 49ers
US Bank Stadium, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Kirk Cousins really is the real deal, isn’t he? He looked absolutely fantastic in this game, going for 244 yards, two touchdowns and 121.7 quarterback rating. He’s in my fantasy team. I’m gonna switch between him and Andrew Luck from week to week. I like that. You like that. The Vikings damn sure, like that. Jimmy Garoppolo lost his first game as a starter for the Niners, forcing some interceptions and some mistakes from Jimmy G. I still think he’s gonna have a good season, but the Second Coming shouts might have to go on the backburner for a few weeks. The Vikings look like they have a hell of a team and might finally have the Quarterback required to get them over the hump and into the Super Bowl. One week in I know, but they looked good. They could do with getting a little more from the ground game, but so far, so impressive.

Final Score: Vikings 24, 49ers 16.

Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans

Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

Hey, we have a game on again…and it’s been delayed again, huh? They’re taking the cameras down. We have one camera view left. One. This might make coaches challenges or reviewing plays quite difficult. If this game actually continues any time soon.

New York Giants vs. Jacksonville Jaguars
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

The Giants offensive line fell to absolute bits. Water is very, very wet. The vaunted Jacksonville defence did its job and pressured Eli all day long. On the plus side for the Giants, Saquon Barkley looked good in his NFL Debut, despite a slow start, with a 68 yard touchdown run, and they’ve got Odell back, too. Odell won his personal match-up with Jalen Ramsey, who I’m pretty sure will probably end up criticising him next, too, along with every fucking quarterback in the league not named Blake Bortles. Blake Bortles is 2-0 against the Giants. There’s one for Bortles Facts. That’s probably why Tom Coughlin moved to the Jaguars.

Final Score: Giants 15, Jaguars 20.

Cleveland Browns vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
FirstEnergy Stadium, Cleveland, Ohio

Not gonna lie, I had to Google what the Browns stadium was known as these days. According to a quick Wikipedia, it’s officially known as: FirstEnergy Stadium, Home of the Cleveland Browns. Much like Kitmac Stadium at Dens Park. Home of another team that hasn’t won in a while. Okay, we start over.

Cleveland Browns vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
FirstEnergy Stadium, Home of the Cleveland Browns, Cleveland, Ohio

The Cleveland Browns are undefeated. They have their best start since 2003.

And yet, they still didn’t win.

They broke their losing streak in the most Browns way possible.

They drew.

The Steelers very much played down to their competition, and without Le’Veon Bell, James Conners very much played his way into starting convention with a good performance. However, Big Ben threw three interceptions, and as my fantasy opponent has both Big Ben and Le’Veon, my fantasy team absolutely rejoiced. Having gone 21-7 down, the Browns brought it back to 21-21 to tie the game and take it to overtime. And then picked off Big Ben again. The Browns got themselves into field goal position to win the game. Oh my God. The losing streak is over! The Browns finally have their win! The Bud Light Victory fridges are going to be open all over Ohio!

…the field goal was blocked.

The Browns tied. They avoided going 0-16 in the most Browns way possible. They drew.

One of the Bud Light fridges got opened because they didn’t lose.

The Cleveland Browns. The Banter Years continue.

Final Score: Browns 21, Steelers 21

Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

This game is currently scheduled to finish at 4am next Thursday.

Los Angeles Chargers vs. Kansas City Chiefs
StubHub Center, Carson, California

The Chargers play in a 27,000 seat stadium designed for association football. Most weeks, their stadium is full of opposition fans, like it was with the Chiefs this week. The Los Angeles crowds don’t care about the Chargers. They wanted the Raiders. Fuck you, Spanos. Anyway, Patrick Mahomes threw for an absolute shit-ton of yards, throwing to Tyreek Hills, Sammy Watkins, Travis Kelce, and Kareem Hunt. And their fullback. Their fullback was catching passes. This Chiefs offence is gonna be a fun one to watch this season, folks. They might be one to watch before their inevitable one and done in the postseason. Still think the Chargers might be in the discussion though, even despite this defeat in Week 1.

Final Score: Chiefs 38, Chargers 28.

Carolina Panthers v. Dallas Cowboys
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina

Four years ago I saw my Colts live for the first time at Lucas Oil Stadium, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. The fact they won 49-27 massively helped this fact. On Sunday, my mate Dave saw his Panthers live at Bank of America Stadium for the first time, and he got to see them win. Must have been a hell of an experience. The Panthers defence was dominant for most of this game, not allowing the Cowboys to even cross the halfway line for the entire first half. This was very much a defensive game, with neither quarterback being too impressive, but Newton having the slightly better game. The Cowboys nearly staged a late comeback being 16-0 down initially, before pulling back a touchdown and a 2 point conversion, and driving down the field in the last seconds, but the Panthers defence put up the stop to win the game.

Final Score: Panthers 16, Cowboys 8.

Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

Man, when the world ends, all that will be left is cockroaches and the Miami Dolphins playing against the Tennessee Titans.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Washington D.C. Football Team
University of Phoenix…uhh, State Farm Stadium, Glendale, Arizona

The stadium where Shawn Michaels retired from wrestling and the Patriots went 18-1 has a brand new name. They’ve named it after Aaron Rodgers’ main sponsor. Brilliant.

Sam Bradford is once a liability at quarterback, and Arizona

fans will be calling for Josh Rosen to start next week after this turgid display.

Adrian Peterson is not quite dead yet, and the Washington Washingtons looked quite impressive, especially in the run game.

Who do they have again next week?

That’s about all I have for this game, to be honest.

Final Score: Cardinals 6, Washingtons 24

Denver Broncos vs. Seattle Seahawks
Sports Authority at Mile High, Denver, Colorado

The Super Bowl XLVIII rematch…doesn’t that seem a lifetime ago? Between the Broncos and the Seahawks was a back-and-forth enjoyable game, with Case Keenum being good and bad in equal measures, and Russell Wilson being asked to do too much having lost the legendary Legion of Boom defence. Welcome to Andrew Luck’s world, 2012-present, Russell. The Broncos defence was very good in this game, with Von Miller leading the charge with three sacks, two forced fumbles and a fumble recovery. Russell Wilson was sacked six times, and even without Tom Cable doing Tom Cable things as offensive line coach, the Seattle offensive line was still traffic cones. The more things change.

Final Score: Broncos 27, Seahawks 24.

Miami Dolphins vs. Tennessee Titans
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

This game is finally back underway. There was a child that ran onto the pitch for some reason during the third quarter. Marcus Mariota got injured and they put in…Blaine Gabbert? HAHAHAHAH Jesus wept. It ended about as predictably as you’d expect, and this game just deteriorated into absolute clownball. Yo Gabbert Gabbert threw an interception, that Ryan Tannehill returned…with an interception. I’m entirely convinced this might have been the greatest game in NFL history for all the long reasons. After the longest game in NFL history, after clownball and pitch invasions, and Blaine Gabbert doing Blaine Gabbert things (Maybe you should also call Mr. Kaepernick Titans, if Mariota is out for a while. In fact, don’t. Running with Gabbert would provide more hilarity for the rest of us in the AFC South). Shoutout to about the 17 fans that stayed to the very end of this game.

The Dolphins won, by the way.

Final Score: Dolphins 27, Titans 20.

Green Bay Packers v. Chicago Bears
Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin

Having narrowly failed to trade for Khalil Mack, the Packers got to see what Mack could do on the other sideline for the Bears. Oh my Lord, what he can do. A forced fumble on Aaron Rodgers. An interception returned for a Pick Six. Khalil Mack is the real deal. One day, it’ll be remembered that Jon Gruden chose to trade Khalil Mack. That day is now. Jon Gruden chose to trade Khalil Mack. The fuck?

Aaron Rodgers got hurt, went off for a bit, came back, and completed a miracle comeback in the last two minutes. Pretty much an accurate summary of his entire career, compressed into a single game.

Seth Rollins hates football.

Final Score: Packers 24, Bears 23.

Detroit Lions vs. New York Jets
Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan

Sam Darnold has thrown an interception on his first play? The most Jetsy thing in history. Wait a minute…the Jets are actually doing stuff. The Jets are good? Up is down. Down is up. Cats and dogs are living together. Donald Trump is actually compe…nope, can’t get through that last one. Fuck the horrible Cheeto-stained shitgibbon. Anyway, the Jets were incredibly impressive here. My Jets fan mate Greg was keeping me up to date throughout this game. I was trying to get a bus back to Aberdeen, having been at the Scotland game. Unsucessfully. He was very happy about this turn of events in this game. The Lions threw five interceptions. Matt Stafford got hurt, went off for a bit, came back and threw another interception. His career in a nutshell? A bit harsh, maybe. He’s had good days. This was not one of them. The Jets good though? We truly are in the upside down.

Final Score: Lions 17, Jets 48 (FORTY EIGHT)

Oakland Raiders vs. Los Angeles Rams

Las Veg…Oakland Alameda Coliseum, still Oakland, California (for now)

And that the wandering Oakland Raiders, may one day find a home.

In the meantime, Jon Gruden traded Khalil Mack.

The battle of the team that initially moved to Los Angeles, and the team that Los Angeles originally wanted.