NFL Divisional Finals Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour

Week 5 NFL Preview:
By Stuart Tomlin:

Well, after one week of positivity…we’re back to being blown out. Yaaaay. This is a weird week for me because it’s the first week since I started the blog properly again that I haven’t actually done the Week Review. University work kinda took priority this week, as it should.

So, here’s my review of last week:

Fuck off, Seattle.

That being said, we hung with them for about thirty-five minutes and then fell to absolute bits on both offence and defence. Also, the Patriots lost to the Panthers. The Patriots have lost two out of three in Foxborough. They’re below the Jets in the AFC East. The fuck is this season?

This is going up on Friday because at time of writing (Wednesday), I am going to Hampden tomorrow to watch Scotland get knocked out of the World Cup by Slovakia. Yaaaay. (Editor's note: we actually won 1-0 and it was absolutely incredible. Nice to be there to see us get a win, finally. Seems like it's been a while. Hopefully we can make the playoffs now.)

(Also Editor's note: Yes, it's Saturday. Friday was busier than expected.)

Anyway, let’s get on with this week shall we?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. New England Patriots Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

I wrote this before Thursday. At 1.17am on Wednesday, to be exact. The Super Bowl Champions continued their march towards 16-0 by…losing to the Panthers. Losing their second game of three in Foxborough. And they needed a last second comeback against Houston to get their only home win over the year. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers leathered the Giants for a while then let them back in it, only to win the game on a last second field goal because life is cruel to New York sports teams. I’m sorely tempted to pick the Buccaneers here, because the New England defence has been a bit of a disaster so far this season, and Winston is absolutely quality. But, Tom Brady will probably do Tom Brady things and get the Pats a win. Get me some fantasy points please, Mike Evans. Patriots.

Editor’s note: This was written before Thursday’s game. Mike Evans did not get me many fantasy points. Sad times.

Indianapolis Colts v. San Francisco 49ers
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana

Andrew Luck is back…in practice. Thank fuck. Thank fucking fuck. However, this game is at least one week too soon (and to be honest, Monday Night Football against the Titans will probably be so too). We welcome the Niners to Lucas Oil Stadium for our fourth and final NFC West game of the season…and I’m glad to see the back of it, as the other three have been absolute bin fires. Two blowouts from the Rams and the Seahawks (last week), and the Cardinals beat us in overtime after overturning a ten point lead in the fourth. Yay. The Niners are 0-4, and looking for their first win of the season. HAHA TIME FOR INDY. That being said, the Niners might actually be slightly worse than us, and that’s saying something. I really cannot wait for Andrew Luck to be back playing. Soon. Very soon. Colts.

Cleveland Browns v. New York Jets FirstEnergy Stadium, Cleveland, Ohio

The Browns and the Jets meet in the First Pick Bowl…wait, the Jets are 2-2…the Jets are above the Patriots in the AFC East…is this a sign of the apocalypse? I fully expect this to level out before the end of the season, but my God, this has been a bizarre year so far. None the less, expect an absolute shit-ton of clownball in this game, as the Browns continue to be the Browns and the Jets love absolutely destroying the hopes and dreams of their fans on a regular basis. The Factory of Sadness is the absolute best place that this Clash of the Titans could take place. As far as a winner goes…the Jets are slightly better. They’ve actually won games. The Browns have not. 0-16? Oh God I’m picking the Jets. Jets.

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Jacksonville Jaguars Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania

The Steelers continue their march to losing to the Fucking Patriots in the playoffs by absolutely destroying the Ravens last week. Seriously, since I promoted Baltimore’s defence two weeks ago, they’ve fallen to bits. The Jags meanwhile lost to the Jets in a game that neither team seemed to want to win. They’re in a three-way tie for the AFC South at the moment, which depressingly for me, does not include the Colts. The Steelers have played down to their competition in the most Steelers way possible, and they will probably do so again…and they’ll probably still win, because Jaguars gonna Jaguar. Steelers.

New York Giants v. Los Angeles Chargers
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

Two teams who absolutely love blowing games in the most spectacular way possible meet to see who can blow this game in the most spectacular way possible. The Giants, who I tipped for the NFC East at the start of the season (cheers for that one lads), have lost two games in a row to last second field goals, including a 61 yarder. The Chargers meanwhile join them on 0-4 after finding ways to lose games in the typical Chargers fashion. Someone has to win this game. Someone will probably blow this game in the most spectacular way possible. It’s probably gonna end up being a tie, isn’t it? My God imagine if that happened. Ughhh, I have to pick a winner here. I’m going with the home team. They’re slightly less bad. Slightly. Also, in a metaphor, my laptop Charger seems to be in and out. That sounds about right to be honest. Giants.

Cincinnati Bengals v. Buffalo Bills
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio

The perennial Crushing Disappointment Bowl sees a team who were eliminated in the Wildcard Round seven years in a row against a team who lost the Super Bowl four years in a row. Do the Bengals aspire to be the Bills? There’s a thought. Anyways, the Bills have been a bit of a strange one this season, last week defeating the NFC Champions, while the Bengals got their first win of the season after two horrendous performances and then nearly beating the Packers in Lambeau. This season continues to be weird. Tyler Eifert is out again, and my fantasy team weeps for that. The Bills are slightly better and Taylor was pretty good last week. I have far more faith in them. Bills.

Detroit Lions v. Carolina Panthers Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan

The Lions won last week despite the efforts of Matthew Stafford to destroy my fantasy team…no, I’m not bitter…is Andrew Luck back yet?...and the Panthers, as we all expected, went to Foxborough…and won…wait…yeah. Didn’t see that coming. Then Cam Newton caused a bit of a fuss this week with some badly chosen comments, which he then apologised for, so that’s the end of that as far as I’m concerned. This should be a fun game though, the Lions have been superb this season and the Panthers are starting to look more like the 2015 Panthers rather than last year’s effort. I’m genuinely torn here. I’m gonna keep my faith in the improving Lions here, but if it goes the other way, it wouldn’t surprise me too much. Lions.

Miami Dolphins v. Tennessee Titans Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

Oh my God, what the hell was that Miami? You might have had the worst performance in NFL Wembley history, and the Ravens lost 44-7 to the fucking Jaguars the week before! Speaking of crushing defeats and terrible performances, after being hyped up to win the AFC South…the Titans lost 57-14 to the Texans. Marcus Mariota might be out of this week, meaning the Titans would have to start Matt Cassel. And they’ve just signed Brandon Weeden. Oh, good Lord. The Dolphins have their own quarterback problems this week, as Jay Cutler is fit to play. I guess I have to pick this game…Mariota might make it, so Titans.

Philadelphia Eagles v. Arizona Cardinals Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennslyvania

The Eagles seem to be starting this season well, and that always works out for them, right? Right? Philly put away the Chargers in a close game that they really should have had control of the entire time, while the Cardinals last week won a game that was entirely Death By Field Goals against the Niners. We seem to be getting a healthy mix of good Carson Wentz and bad Carson Wentz, more of the good than the bad. Larry Fitzgerald seems to be completely ageless, but Carson Palmer has all the protection of a defective condom in an absolutely terrible Cardinals offensive line. Is it just me or is offensive line play getting worse? On this game, we’re probably gonna see just enough of the good Carson Wentz and the Eagles defence should do enough too. Philly takes this one. Eagles.

Oakland Raiders v. Baltimore Ravens O.co Coliseum, Oakland, California

So, Derek Carr is injured and going to miss a few weeks.

*Thisisfine.GIF*

Mariota and Carr getting injured in the same week for the second season in a row. Spooky. It’s looking like 2 to 6 weeks for Carr, so EJ Manuel, former first round pick in Buffalo, to fill the gap. Welp. He has shown flashes in his time with the Bills, but he’s not great. The vaunted Ravens defence that I talked up in week 3 has been…well, dreadful from week 3 onwards. The Jaguars put 44 up on them in London, and 26 in Pittsburgh. With Derek Carr, I’d be picking the Raiders here. Without Derek Carr, it’s a massively different story. The Ravens defence should hopefully get back to form after two pretty bad weeks against Manuel. I’m taking Baltimore to get back on track. Ravens.

Los Angeles Rams v. Seattle Seahawks L.A. Coliseum, Los Angeles, California

Both of these teams have battered us this season.

Fuck’s sake.

Anyways, the Rams seem to be pretty good this year, Jared Goff seems to have improved on being absolutely dreadful last year to finally starting to live up to his first overall pick status, and Todd Gurley has returned to his 2015 form.

Could the Rams be the best team in the NFC West?

Well, the Seahawks might have something to say about that. After…last week’s Sunday Night Football game…they won…it was convincing, do we have to talk about it anymore? The Seahawks seem to have found their way back on both sides of the ball, after especially struggling three weeks in. And yet they always seem to find a bogey team in the Rams. And that was Jeff Fisher’s Rams, for God’s sake. Will the Seahawks fare better now the Rams seem to be decent? Probably, because this is a weird season. Seahawks.

Dallas Cowboys v. Green Bay Packers AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas

A rematch of the NFC Divisional game where the Cowboys went 0-1 in the playoffs after getting the first seed in the NFC. What a time. It’s also a rematch of the infamous “Dez Caught It” game from 2015. The Packers were taken to overtime by the Bengals last week, then Aaron Rodgers did Aaron Rodgers things and they took home a win, Rodgers’ first win in overtime in his career. That’s a stat and a half, that. The Cowboys meanwhile dropped a game at home to the improving Rams, so this should be an incredibly interesting watch. The Cowboys haven’t found the form they had last year, while the Packers can never be counted out. My opponent in fantasy has Aaron Rodgers, so knowing my luck, he’ll probably have an incredible game, therefore, Packers.

Houston Texans v. Kansas City Chiefs NRG Stadium, Houston, Texas

The Sunday Night Football this week features the Houston Texans going up against the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs are the final challenger of this season to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, having won all four of their games so far this season, and have been absolutely incredible this season, with Alex Smith playing probably the best football of his career, and Kareem Hunt and Tyreek Hill leading an incredible offence right now. Speaking of which, Deshaun Watson has improved the Texans’ offence ten-fold, starting to find his feet in this league. He could be the long-term answer that Houston have needed for years. However, the Chiefs are absolutely on fire at the moment and I can’t see their quest for 16-0 ending here. Chiefs.

Chicago Bears v. Minnesota Vikings Soldier Field, Chicago, Illinois

It’s officially Trubisky time! After four weeks of, shall we say, sub-par (see also: fucking atrocious) play from Mike Glennon - $15m a year Mike Glennon – the Bears have had enough and are now starting Trubisky. He’ll be up against The Vikings and Sam Bradford – or perhaps Case Keenum – and Minnesota have been a bit hit and miss this season. A good performance one week has been wiped out by a bad performance the next. The Bears might be rejuvenated by starting Trubisky, but he is a rookie, so expectations should be tempered. That being said, it might be the shot in the arm they truly need. And I’ve not had a bold pick of the week yet, so here it is. BOLD PICK OF THE WEEK, Da Bears.

BYE BYE BABY BABY GOODBYEEEEEE*
Atlanta Falcons, Denver Broncos, New Orleans Saints, Washington Redskins

Well that’ll do it for this week. Hope all your teams do well, and your fantasy teams too, unless you’re playing mine. Then I hope your quarterback throws three interceptions.
Have a good week, and as always, Go Colts.

*I’ll probably change this for next week.