NFL Divisional Finals Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour

NFL Week 5 Review:
By Stuart Tomlin

This is my second draft of this article, because my laptop crashed out on me today and is now on the Injured Reserve for the time being. Its status for Week 6 is questionable.

Anyway, Scotland crashed out of the World Cup three days after I thought we would, doing the most Scotland thing ever and drawing when we needed to win. We even got a last minute goal just to give us hope and twist the knife further.

Fuck’s sake Scotland.

None the less, we’re back to focusing on the NFL and Week 5 was a weird one. Some strange results this week. Let’s get to it, shall we?

Also I lost at fantasy again this week, yadda yadda yadda. Just give me the last place trophy now.

Going into this week, I lead Kyle by one game. 36-27 plays 35-28. Let’s have a look at how that changed shall we?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. New England Patriots Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida
Actual Result: Buccaneers 14-19 Patriots
Stuart Said: Patriots (1-0)
Kyle Said: Patriots (1-0)

God damn it Nick Folk, you had one job. Well, you had one job before you got cut this week for missing three fucking field goals against the Patriots. I mean, the Buccaneers had a chance to beat a very unlike Patriots team this year, and they blew it. Just two of those field goals made? That’s a win. The Patriots seem to be getting hit by the Madden curse as a whole, as Tom Brady cannot do everything believe it or not, and the defence has been a bit of a shitshow. None the less, they’re 3-2 because Patriots. The Buccaneers need to get it together after a promising start is starting to fall apart a little bit. Maybe they can draft a kicker in the second round. That should work.

Indianapolis Colts v. San Francisco 49ers
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana
Actual Result: Colts 26-23 49ers (OT)
Stuart Said: Colts (2-0)
Kyle Said: Colts (2-0)

For fuck’s sake, Indy, can you go one week without trying to give me some kind of heart attack? The Colts went into the fourth quarter ten points up, and I immediately went “Oh no”. I’ve seen this story too many times already. Marlon Mack is absolutely ace, and Jacoby Brissett has been playing better. Then of course we go full Pagano and give up a ten point lead. Then Brissett throws an interception in overtime and I immediately change my Twitter profile to 1-4, then the 49ers thankfully do fuck all with it and I change it back to 2-3 after a Vinatieri field goal winner, the 27th of his career. The Greatest of All Time. Thank God we won this game. Don’t think there was a chance to come back from this. The Niners are 0-5 and their season is pretty much gubbed at this point. We’ve still got a chance. Still can’t wait for Andrew Luck to come back.

Fuck Mike Pence.

Cleveland Browns v. New York Jets
FirstEnergy Stadium, Cleveland, Ohio
Actual Result: Browns 14-17 Jets
Stuart Said: Jets (3-0)
Kyle Said: Jets (3-0)

The Factory of Sadness hosted the Clownball Extraordinaire, and the Browns in particular did not disappoint on that level. DeShone Kizer managed to get himself benched after some subpar (see also: fucking dreadful) play – yes, I made that same joke about Mike Glennon last week, that’s all you need to know, and Chris Hogan was mildly competent. The Jets contributed to the Clownball by taking a lead then let the Browns back into it for their first lead of the season. Congratulations Browns, it only took you 19 quarters. And then they blew it, because Cleveland. The Jets are managing to completely surpass the incredibly low expectations and are looking borderline decent so far this year. Hands up if you had them and the Patriots on the same record at this point this year. Hands down, you’re lying. Should be fun that next week.

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Jacksonville Jaguars Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania
Actual Result: Steelers 9-30 Jaguars
Stuart Said: Steelers (3-1)
Kyle Said: Steelers (3-1)

At some point we’re actually going to start having to take the Jaguars seriously. I mean, come on, we need a comedy club…I guess we still have the Browns, but still. The Steelers continued the time-honoured tradition of playing down to their level of opponents, although saying that is actually harsh on the Jags. The Jags have been good this year, with Blake Bortles being able to get out of the way of what is a really good developing defence. This could be the year that the Jaguars finally live up to the Champions of the Offseason label that they’ve had for years. The Steelers meanwhile continue the Jekyll and Hyde tradition of being the Pittsburgh Steelers. They’ll probably still make the playoffs, only to lose to the fucking Patriots.

New York Giants v. Los Angeles Chargers
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Actual Result: Giants 22-27 Chargers
Stuart Said: Giants (3-2)
Kyle Said: Giants (3-2)

At this point we can pretty much rule the Giants’ season dead and buried at 0-5. What the hell is happening? I mean, we all thought a New York team was going to tank this year, but we all thought it was going to be the Jets. Not the Giants. Odell Beckham is out for the season, ruining the Giants’ season, fantasy team hopes, and highlight reels everywhere. The running game is still non-existent and the offensive line has more holes in it than a good Swiss cheese. The Chargers meanwhile won this game, but they are in the AFC West where the Chiefs are dominating. Good luck with that. To sum up this mess, the Giants managed to out-Chargers the Chargers in this game. Start up the tank.

Cincinnati Bengals v. Buffalo Bills
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio
Actual Result: Bengals 20-16 Bills
Stuart Said: Bills (3-3)
Kyle Said: Bills (3-3)

This game didn’t surprise me in the fact that it was close, as it was two very similar teams playing very similar football. The weather had more effect on the game with both teams struggling, particularly Cincinnati. The Bengals managed to lose the turnover battle, because Andy LOLton, and yet still managed to pull off the win. The Bills offensive line was a bit of a disaster and allowed sacks and tackles to Taylor, and that contributed to a Bengals win. The Bengals are back in the race in the AFC North but that’s mostly because the Steelers and Ravens cannot get out of their own way, and the Browns…are the Browns. The Bengals might manage to get back to losing in the Wildcard yet! The Bills meanwhile, despite this lost, are still above the Patriots in the AFC East because apparently this is 1993. You can credit my Bills supporting mate Molly for that one.

Detroit Lions v. Carolina Panthers
Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan
Actual Result: Lions 24-27 Panthers
Stuart Said: Lions (3-4)
Kyle Said: Lions (3-4)

Carolina Panthers fans, you can thank me and Kyle on our insistence against picking against your team for your 4-1 record. Every single time I pick against the Panthers, they win, every time I pick against, they lose. They sprung out to an early lead and then were 27-10 up going into the fourth quarter. It’s nice of the Panthers to allow the Lions the chance to repeat their fourth quarter heroics, because Lions. They seem to have taken the Colts’ mantle of coming from ridiculous leads to come back and win games. I miss that. However, it didn’t quite pan out that way this week as the Panthers were able to hold on for a field goal victory. The Panthers are 4-1 and looking like they might reclaim their NFC South title from the Falcons. The Lions will probably be there or there about for the playoffs too.

Miami Dolphins v. Tennessee Titans
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida
Actual Result: Dolphins 16-10 Titans
Stuart Said: Titans (3-5)
Kyle Said: Titans (3-5)

So, Jay Cutler got booed by Dolphins fans. In the home opener. That…that was fast. I mean, we all saw that coming, but in the first game in Miami? Well technically, they were supposed to be at home Week 1 then Hurricane Irma took care of that one, then Week 4 they were the “Home team” for the London game, as much good as that did them. So, I guess the first game in Miami is a lot later than usual. You can tell I don’t have a lot good to say about this game. The Dolphins benched Cutler, and won.

Jay Cutler sucks.

Matt Cassel is worse. Hope he’s playing this week.

Jay Cutler doesn’t care.

Philadelphia Eagles v. Arizona Cardinals
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennslyvania
Actual Result: Eagles 34-7 Cardinals
Stuart Said: Eagles (4-5)
Kyle Said: Eagles (4-5)

The Bird Fight quickly dissolved into a one-sided absolute leathering. It all started so well for the Cardinals…then the Eagles turned up and started playing football against them. It was all downhill from there. A 21-point first quarter from the Eagles and the Cardinals were DOA from there. At least they won the second quarter!...7-0. It was the Cardinals only score of the game. The Eagles then resumed absolutely leathering them six ways from Sunday. We saw more of good Carson Wentz…and to be honest at this point we can just really say that Carson Wentz is becoming quite good at this football lark. The Cardinals meanwhile have solved their problems by…trading…for Adrian…Peterson…well then. Gonna be a fun situation when David Johnson gets back next year. Hey, it’ll be fun to watch his five carries for eight yards at Twickenham in two weeks!

Oakland Raiders v. Baltimore Ravens
O.co Coliseum, Oakland, California
Actual Result: Raiders 17-30 Raiders
Stuart Said: Ravens (5-5)
Kyle Said: Raiders (4-6)

Derek Carr is out for two to six weeks.

*Thisisfine.GIF*

Yes, I made that exact same joke in the preview, and it came to pass. EJ Manuel was not terrible, but the Ravens were never not comfortable in this game, as the defence finally got itself a bit more on track. I promise you I won’t talk them up for a few weeks, Ravens fans. I’ll wait till you play us at Christmas, then I’ll talk them up. Sound a good plan? The Raiders do miss Derek Carr though. Been a weird season for Oakland. They’ve not been the team they were last season. Time will tell if they can pick up over the next few week…oh, yeah, Derek Carr is out. Yup, you’re fucked.

*Raiders immediately go 11-0 over the next 11 weeks*

Los Angeles Rams v. Seattle Seahawks
L.A. Coliseum, Los Angeles, California
Actual Result: Rams 10-16 Seahawks
Stuart Said: Seahawks (6-5)
Kyle Said: Rams (4-7)

I’m so happy I resisted the temptation to take the Rams here. It’s typical, the Rams become relatively good and they forget how to beat the Seahawks. The NFL is a bizarre league sometimes. This game started slowly and there wasn’t a single point in the first quarter…because of course there wasn’t, because LA Football. Then a close run game for the next three quarters saw the Seahawks score two field goals to leave the Rams with a chance to win it with a game-winning drive for a touchdown. You can probably guess what happened next. Nope, didn’t get it. Did not get it. It did not work out for them. The Seahawks seem to be winning games in spite of their offence this year (Sunday Night Football aside, but we don’t talk about that). It’ll be interesting to see how it goes for them when a team puts up points against them. This division is still open between these two teams.

Dallas Cowboys v. Green Bay Packers
AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas
Actual Result: Cowboys 31-35 Packers
Stuart Said: Packers (7-5)
Kyle Said: Packers (5-7)

Remember that photo of the Packers fan smiling in front of the Cowboys fans celebrating? He knew what was coming. We all knew what was coming, really. Aaron Rodgers doing Aaron Rodgers heroics and the Packers come back for a game winning drive. That’s how you do it, Rams! This was an incredible game to watch though, both teams were absolutely fantastic. The Cowboys scored over 30 points, had 400 yards of total offence and had 150 yards rushing. And still lost. Another Aaron Rodgers miracle pass to Davante Adams, who was playing despite Danny Trevathan trying to fucking decapitate him the week before. There’s a lot to like about Davante Adams.

In related news, a man set himself on fire as a result of this game. The man and his wife bet on the game, and decided to burn the losing jersey…then the guy decided to wear it as it was burning. It did not go well for him.

The fucking idiot.

Houston Texans v. Kansas City Chiefs NRG Stadium, Houston, Texas
Actual Result: Texans 34-42 Chiefs
Stuart Said: Chiefs (8-5)
Kyle Said: Chiefs (6-7)

What a game for fantasy football players. An absolute offensive showcase, with the Chiefs continuing their amazing start to the season, and the Texans matching them towards the end of the game, but not quite having enough. I actually watched this game in the casino with a couple of mates – well, I saw bits of it anyway – and it was an ace game. The Chiefs have been incredible this year and seem to be the bandwagoners’ favourite so far this season. Alex Smith continues to play the best football of his career, and Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt are amazing. Deshaun Watson seems to be the franchise quarterback the Texans have needed for years. He’s pretty much the best one they’ve ever had pretty much by default. And JJ Watt is out for the season, again. The Texans might be fucked now. Welp.

Chicago Bears v. Minnesota Vikings
Soldier Field, Chicago, Illinois
Actual Result: Bears 17-20 Vikings
Stuart Said: Bears (8-6)
Kyle Said: Vikings (7-7)

A big ol’ LOL @ me for saying the Bears would win this week. An even bigger ol’ LOL @ anyone who was watching this game in the first half. 2-0 after the first quarter, 2-3 after the first half. Jesus fucking Christ in the ass with no lube, this was a dreadful first half. Thankfully it picked up a bit in the second half and the Vikings managed to pull off the win. Sam Bradford came back from injury, and was…not great, but he did enough in this game. It amazes me that it’s taken me five weeks to mention the Curse of the Super Bowl hosts, but here we are. The Vikings won, but…I’m still not sure about their hopes this year. Mitchell Trubisky is by far and away the best Quarterback the Bears have on their roster, and this was his first start in the league. That pretty much tells you what you need to know about the Bears. This game was fucking 3-2 at half time. Come on. If you stayed watching after that, you deserve a trophy, or at least a hug or something. Congratulations, you’re stronger than most.

Standings for the Week:
Stuart: 8-6
Kyle: 7-7

Standings for the Season:
Stuart: 44-33
Kyle: 42-35

Well, that’ll do it for this week. Just remember, even if your team loses this week, you’ve never accidentally set yourself on fire because of a bet, and that’s something I guess.

Go Colts.