NFL Divisional Finals Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour

NFL Week 8 Preview:
By Stuart Tomlin

Well, it’s that time of the week again.

The Twickenham article goes on hold for now as I throw together my thoughts on the upcoming week of football. And it’s been a season of injuries, pain, and the Los Angeles Rams being responsible for blowing teams out. What the fuck is this season? I was at the game on Sunday, hence the upcoming Twickenham article, and my God, what the hell happened to the Cardinals? That team were in the NFC Championship two years ago.

And the Colts got shutout by the fucking Jaguars.

Sighhhhh.

Anyway, I’m contracted to do this once again (and by contracted, I mean it’s my picks contest with Kyle). I’m slightly tired and very grouchy as I was out late last night and am on limited sleep. Was a fun night though, to be fair.

Also a reminder that this weekend, the clocks go back, as the games kick off an hour earlier than normal, with the exception of Ravens-Dolphins which is 1.30am as normal. So it’s a 1.30pm kick off for Browns-Vikings, 5pm for everything from Patriots-Chargers to Jets-Falcons, 8.05pm for Seahawks-Texans, 8.25pm for Washingtons-Cowboys, 0.30am for Lions-Steelers (Sunday into Monday) and Chiefs-Broncos (Monday-Tuesday).

Got that? Got that.

Let’s get on with it shall we?

Baltimore Ravens v. Miami Dolphins
MT&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland

Remember a few weeks ago when I was tipping the Ravens for the playoffs and the Dolphins for the top end of the Draft? What a time that was. The Ravens have fallen off the cliff-edge in the last few weeks, and the Dolphins keep grinding out wins. The Dolphins are 4-2. WITH JAY CUTLER. Who the hell saw that coming? They snuck out a win over the Jets with a 17-0 fourth quarter to win 31-28, while the Ravens two weeks ago lost in overtime to the god damn Bears. THE BEARS. They followed that up with a loss to the Vikings last weekend. They are still 3-3 and still within a chance in the AFC North, but they need to stop fucking up games in order to actually do something within the division. As far as a pick goes, I’m gonna go with the hot hand here and take the Phins. They keep grinding out wins when absolutely nobody expects them to, so they’ll probably go and drop the ball when I expect them to win. Regardless, Dolphins.

Cleveland Browns v. Minnesota Vikings
Twickenham Stadium, London, England

The Final London game of the season sees the Cleveland Browns “host” the Minnesota Vikings…and there’s been three London games this season, and three fucking blowouts. And in two of those games, one team has failed to score. And guess who they’re bringing over for this game? The 0-7 Browns. Yeaaaaah…good luck with that. They very nearly snapped that record last week by almost beating the Titans in a Death by Field Goals game, but lost in overtime. How do they find new and entertaining ways to lose games? The Vikings meanwhile seem to be doing okay despite the Curse of the Super Bowl hosts claiming Sam Bradford, albeit briefly, and now seem to have a bit of a quarterback controversy as Bradford and Teddy Bridgewater, who is making a miracle comeback, may travel to London alongside Case Keenum. To be honest, they could start a pitching machine at quarterback and they’ll probably win in a blowout. Vikings.

New England Patriots v. Los Angeles Chargers
Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts

First of all a big hello to Michael “Pat Mike” Haliburton, who will be going to his first Patriots game this weekend. And most seasons I’d say he’d be expecting a Pats blowout win. However this year the Patriots’ defence is falling to absolute bits. Dont’a Hightower is out for the season now, yet another injury for the Pats. The Madden Curse is in effect. Meanwhile the Chargers are finally starting to find a bit of an identity and are recovering from their horrendous start to the season with three straight wins after a 0-4 start. They shutout the Broncos – so many shutouts last weekend – and won for the first time at StubHub Center, while the Pats comfortably put away the Falcons in a Super Bowl rematch. This is a surprisingly tougher game to predict than I would have thought, but it’s the Pats in Foxborough. Even though they’ve lost two out of three there. This season continues to be weird. However, they’ll probably pull it off in a close one. Patriots.

New Orleans Saints v. Chicago Bears
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

This game could be a hell of a lot of fun. Two teams that have been enjoyable to watch this year, yes, I actually did say that about the Saints and the Bears. The Bears have been much improved since they decided 15 million a season Mike Glennon was an absolutely terrible idea to start at quarterback and put in Mitchell Trubisky. It’s no real surprise that they’ve actually started winning games since he went in. The Saints meanwhile have started scoring all of the points in the last few weeks, including the defence scoring three touchdowns against the Lions two weeks ago, and beating an Aaron Rodgers-less Packers at Lambeau last weekend. This is a hard game to call here once again, but I’m gonna take New Orleans. They just have something slightly more, and while I like Trubisky, Brees is a much better and much more experienced quarterback. Saints.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. Carolina Panthers
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

After losing to the Eagles when I picked against them, bucking tradition of this season, the Panthers got back to form by…losing to the Bears when I picked them to win. There’s the Carolina we all know and love. The defence didn’t actually give up anything more than a field goal against the Bears last week, but the offence didn’t score anything more than a field goal, and Cam threw two pick sixes that ended up being the difference in that game. The Buccaneers played a close game with the Bills that came down to the Buccaneers trying to lateral the absolute fuck out of the ball for about three fucking minutes, with no success, in a game that was pretty much the NFL’s answer to a six-pointer (the Bills were 3-2 going in and the Bucs were 2-3, they would have both been 3-3 if the Bucs had won, but instead the Bills are now two games ahead of them, not that they’re in the same division or even conference, but my analogy still works).

Ahem, anyway, onto this week then, and a crucial game between two divisional teams that could define their season. The Panthers could go a long way to challenging for the NFC South again with a win, while the Bucs need a win to get a foothold in the division. Again, a tough pick this week…I’ll go the home team here. Buccaneers. Well, this probably means a Carolina win then based on this season.

Cincinnati Bengals v. Indianapolis Colts
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio

The countdown to the 2018 Draft is on! My God it’s depressing looking at Draft prospects in October, but here we are. A game I thought would be the glorious return of Andrew Luck…isn’t. Instead, the only thing glorious about this game is the GLORIOUS TANK of the 2017 Indianapolis Colts. We are a fucking bin fire. The offence is a mess, we still have absolutely no idea if Andrew Luck is going to play this year, and at this rate, he probably shouldn’t, the defence can’t stop anything and we’ve lost Malik Hooker for the season. A game I’d have looked at as a potential win at the start of the season is starting to look anything but. The Bengals meanwhile look about as much as a disaster as we do, with almost the same record bar the fact they’ve had their bye and we haven’t. An early bye week would’ve actually benefitted us this season. Is it April yet? I actually have to pick someone to win this game, and as much as I regret this choice, the only thing I have to go on here is blind fucking loyalty. So, despite me thinking I wouldn’t be picking us to win a game again this year, Colts. Go, Colts. Yaaaaaaaaaay. You can probably go ahead, shut it down and start again next year. 

Fuck off Pagano.

Buffalo Bills v. Oakland Raiders
Ralph Wilson New Era Field Stadium, Buffalo, New York

First off, can I just start calling it the Ralph Wilson Stadium, and fuck off the whole New Era thing?

I can?

Cool.

Buffalo Bills v. Oakland Raiders
Ralph Wilson Stadium, Buffalo, New York

Anyway, with that being settled, the Bills are 4-2 and starting to look like a real potential playoff team. I’m really happy for them (and my buddy Molly) for that, as they seem to be starting to put something together in actual New York State. The Raiders however have been one of the year’s biggest disappointments, and have struggled with Derek Carr struggling through a back injury. HOWEVER, they did just beat the Chiefs in one of the best games of the season…what is it with TNF and actually having good games this year?...and Derek Carr did enough to pretty much sink my fantasy team by himself as my opponent last week started him. I hate fantasy football. A feature you can also see on my Twitter on Mondays or Tuesdays. Anyway, it might not be time to write the Raiders off just yet. The Bills survived the Buccaneers last week, but this Raiders team is a tougher ask. It’s yet another tough game to pick this week…aah, I dunno. I’m gonna go Oakland. Wouldn’t be surprised if it goes the other way though. Should be fun to watch. Raiders.

Philadelphia Eagles v. San Francisco 49ers
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennslyvania

Okay, chant it along with me

MVP! MVP! MVP!

Carson Wentz has been absolutely phenomenal this season and the Eagles are probably the best team in football right now. This is the first time in about 13 odd years that you’ve been able to say that sentence. They’re playing fantastic stuff, dismantling teams comfortably including the Washington Washingtons last weekend on Monday Night Football. Damn it Cousins, I needed one more garbage time touchdown for a fantasy win last week. They welcome the 0-7 49ers to the Linc this week. The Niners are chasing the first overall pick after an absolutely disastrous start to the Kyle Shanahan era. Shanahan and John Lynch have a LOT of work to do with this Niners team, because they’re one of the few teams worse than my own Colts, and that’s SAYING something this year. The Eagles meanwhile have all the hallmarks of a potential Super Bowl team. Please for the love of God Eagles, don’t Eagle the fuck out of this game or this season. Eagles.

New York Jets v. Atlanta Falcons
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

The surprisingly decent Jets welcome the slightly less than awesome Falcons to the MetLife, or as Jets fans call it, “JetLife”.

Ahem

Anyway, the Jets have been surprisingly decent and competitive this season, holding up in games and even winning a few. Last week though was a return to the Jets we all know and love, blowing a game in spectacular fashion to the Dolphins by conceding 17 points and scoring none in the fourth quarter. The Falcons meanwhile have been choking away games as well, and last week, were nowhere near the position of choking again to the Patriots as they got battered 23-7. Can’t throw away a lead if you don’t have it in the first place, huh? Two teams that have all the hallmarks of blowing games, but who will do it in the most spectacular fashion? Maybe a bit harsh on the Jets who were expected to do NOTHING this year, so they’ve already surpassed expectations on the season. Wow, 0-16 is a low bar to clear. However, I’m gonna go on tradition here and expect the Jets to Jets the fuck out of this game, and hand a win to Atlanta. Matt Ryan or Josh McCown? I’m taking Matt Ryan here folks. Falcons.

Seattle Seahawks v. Houston Texans
CenturyLink Field, Seattle, Washington

The Seahawks welcome the Texans to Seattle for the start of the 8 pm games (and it’s weird saying that when it’s normally 9 pm, but let’s just go with it for this week). The Seahawks have been going about their business this season, after struggling offensively to start the year, they seem to have found a bit more of a groove and comfortably put away the Giants in MetLife last weekend. The Texans are just off their bye and sitting at 3-3, at .500 in what is still an open AFC South (depressingly that probably doesn’t include us right now). They go to Seattle having lost JJ Watt for the season…again...in what is a huge loss for their season…again. At least you’ve got Jadeveon Clowney…he’s out too you say?

You’re fucked. Seahawks.

Washington Redskins v. Dallas Cowboys
FedExField, Landover, Maryland

The Washington Namechanges welcome the Cowboys to Delivery Courier Stadium this week, after being sliced apart by Carson Wentz and the Eagles. The Cowboys meanwhile put the whole Ezekiel Elliott suspension worries – I mean, seriously, shit or get off the pot with that, NFL – and they put 40 past the fucking Niners. I’m pretty sure I could put 40 past the Niners this year, though. Yeah, that’s a “My Nan could win the Scottish League” shout here and I’m not proud of it, but come on. They’re an absolute shambles. Meanwhile these two teams battle to finish behind the Eagles in the NFC East and maybe seal a wildcard place. I fully expect that to appear in Freezing Cold Takes when the Eagles inevitably Eagle the fuck out of it. Cousins is a decent fantasy backup and I should have fucking drafted him instead of Matthew Bastarding Stafford. However, Zeke will be playing and the rumours of his demise are much exaggerated. The Cowboys take this one. Cowboys.

Detroit Lions v. Pittsburgh Steelers
Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan

“Waiting one hour less for Sunday Night”.

That’s…that’s less catchy.

The Detroit Lions and the Pittsburgh Steelers meet in this week’s Sunday Night Football which should be a fun matchup between the two of them. Despite Stafford being a pretty terrible fantasy quarterback, he’s been a decent actual quarterback and the Lions have been fun to watch. The Steelers meanwhile have been doing Steelers things and playing up and down to their competition. The Lions are actually good so the Steelers will probably be good this week, too. Might actually stay up for this one. No early class on a Monday. Sounds ace. This game should be a close one and I can see it going to the fourth quarter. The Steelers will probably be leading and the Lions will do the whole fourth-quarter Lions heroic comeback thing, because Lions. Whether they win or not with that is up in the air…but we all know it’s probably coming. Fuck it, this is a good Lions week I reckon. Lions.

Kansas City Chiefs v. Denver Broncos
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri

And the Kansas City Chiefs begin their attempts to claim the 2017 title of “Team that starts amazingly, then it all goes to absolute shit”.

We’ll probably change the name of that.

“The New Era Team that starts amazingly, then it all goes to absolute shit”. 2017.

They welcome a Broncos team that couldn’t score against the fucking Chargers last week. Oh good Lord. Alex Smith was playing the best football of his career, a statement that I make every single week, and will continue to make, because it fucking astounds me every single week. The Broncos have Trevor Siemian at quarterback. THEY PLAYED BROCK OSWEILER AT QUARTERBACK FOR A BIT TWO WEEKS AGO FOR FUCK’S SAKE. You’re fucked. The Chiefs meanwhile, aren’t, and will probably get themselves back on form. Chiefs.

ROCKABYE, DON’T BOTHER CRY, LIFT UP YOUR HEAD LIFT IT UP TO THE SKY

(Credit to my friend Caitlin for the song choice this week)

Week 8 Bye Teams: Arizona Cardinals, Green Bay Packers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Los Angeles Rams, New York Giants, Tennessee Titans

Couple of notes:
The Rams and Cardinals article from last week will be up when it’s finished
THAT’s how you spell “Tennessee” Trump, you utter knobhead
Kyle finally gets a bit of a break from the Giants annoying the fuck of him. Roll on week 11 for the Colts’ bye week.

And that’ll do it for yet another week of exciting NFL action. Good luck to your teams and fantasy teams, unless you’re playing mine, then I hope your kicker misses a crucial last second field goal.

Despite the fact we’re absolutely fucked this year

Go Colts.