NFL Divisional Finals Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour

Week 9 Preview:

By Stuart Tomlin

Is it the 2018 Season yet?

How about now?

…now?

This season continues and on a personal level, it’s an absolute bin fire as Andrew Luck has officially been put on Injured Reserve, joining the likes of Aaron Rodgers, JJ Watt, Odell Beckham Jr, David Johnson as stars out for the season.

However, the trade deadline has made things exciting with Jay Ajayi now an Eagle, and the Niners with their QB of the future in Garappolo.

We’re at the halfway point in the season, and we’re starting to get something of an idea of who’ll be playing in January. And who won’t be. (Colts, Browns, Niners, Giants can pretty much be confirmed as sitting the postseason out.)

I’m sitting three games up on Kyle as we go into this week, so let’s get on with it shall we?

New York Jets v. Buffalo Bills
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

The Jets and the Bills meet in the early Thursday game, and I say early because the game kicks off at half past midnight, as the US clocks go back this weekend instead of last weekend like us. This is a battle of two teams that were expected to tank, and have surprised us significantly. The Jets have surprised us by not going 0-16, which is an incredibly low bar, but they’ve been competitive every week so far. The Bills meanwhile have all the makings of a Wildcard Playoff team, I mean they’re probably not going to beat the Pats to the AFC East title – the fact we’re saying probably is enough of a shocker as is – but they should be in with a shout of one of the two playoff spots. That wide receiving corps is looking so much better than it did at the start of the year. They’ll keep rolling here I reckon. Bills.

New Orleans Saints v. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Two teams that have not lived up to expectations this season – and for the Saints, that’s a good thing. They’ve been much, much better than anyone was really expecting them to be this year. They abandoned the running back by committee plan by shipping Adrian Peterson out to Arizona, and have been much better for it. They actually have something of a defence this season, and that’s something I never saw coming. Brees has been sensational so far this year. The Buccs meanwhile have been a massive letdown, having been tipped by me as a dark horse for the playoffs and even their division crown, they’ve instead been absolutely pish. Their counterparts in this game seem to be filling in that role instead, and should continue on with a win on Sunday. Saints.

Carolina Panthers v. Atlanta Falcons
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina

The Panthers continue their confusing as fuck run of form, as they continue to win when I pick against them and lose when I pick them. God damn it Carolina, settle on a narrative please! They take on the current NFC Champions in the Falcons and they’ll have to do it without Kelvin Benjamin who is now playing for the Bills as of the trade deadline. The Falcons meanwhile have been either choking away games or playing against teams who are choking away games, making this game even more difficult to predict. Two confusing teams here. Either I pick Carolina and they probably lose, or I pick Atlanta and the Panthers probably win. Without Benjamin I can see the Falcons taking the win just to rub Carolina’s nose in this. Falcons. Congratulations on the win, Panthers!

New York Giants v. Los Angeles Rams
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

Two games in MetLife in the same week? Huh, this is kinda new. When was the last time this happened? Answers on a postcard to the same address. I suppose it’s kinda like Dundee United and Dundee playing at home on the same weekend. Except if we shared a stadium. Inter Milan and AC Milan? Anyways, getting back to the point, the Giants have been a bit of a disaster this season. The Rams meanwhile have defied expectations and I saw them take the Cardinals to absolute pieces live at Twickenham two weeks ago. That article is coming, by the way. Just when I get time. In the meantime, the Rams have been very impressive this year and will probably make the playoffs. The Giants have not been, and will not. We all know where this is going. Sorry, Kyle. Keep on tanking, my brother. Rams.

Tennessee Titans v. Baltimore Ravens
LP Field, Nashville, Tennessee

First off, an apology to Marc as I picked the Dolphins to beat the Ravens last week, and the Ravens ended up winning. 40-0. Forty. Fucking. Nil. It happens, Dolphins. Meanwhile, for the Titans, they come off their bye having struggled to beat the Browns in a Death By Field Goals game two weeks ago. How’s that “Titans gonna win the AFC South” narrative going? Mariota has been kinda meh this season and the Titans have struggled, especially defensively. The Ravens have gone from good to absolutely God-awful and back again, with that defence being back to being impressive…no, I said I wouldn’t talk up that defence until the week they play us. A promise is a promise. Gonna go with the hot hand here though. Ravens.

Jacksonville Jaguars v. Cincinnati Bengals
Everbank Field, Jacksonville, Florida

It’s the Battle of the Cats! Again! “Sacksonville” – my God I hate this fucking season just for giving birth to that fucking name – meets the Bengals in Jacksonville. And I’ve gotta give it to the Jags. They’ve been really damn good this year. That defence is very much for real, even if you avoid the cringey as fuck nicknames. The Bengals laboured to a victory over us last week in a battle for draft position, let’s be completely honest there. They’ve struggled this season and Andy Dalton will probably struggle again against this Jacksonville defence…you know, I say that sentence and it still doesn’t sound right, but here we are. I’m picking Jacksonville, and I’m doing it confidently. What the fuck is this season? Jaguars.

Philadelphia Eagles v. Denver Broncos
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Arguably the best team in the league right now, the Philadelphia Eagles welcome the Denver Broncos to the Linc, and in fine form. The Eagles have been dominant so far this season, and Carson Wentz is currently in MVP form. They absolutely crushed the winless Niners last week, while the Broncos struggled against the Chiefs. The Broncos’ defence is still absolutely brilliant, however they will be starting Brock Osweiler for this game, and I don’t have a lot of faith in this idea. He’s probably better at the Broncos than he was at the Texans and certainly than he would have been at the Browns but he is not great, and up against this Eagles team, I don’t really fancy their chances. Eagles continue marching on. They’re really fun to watch right now. Eagles.

Houston Texans v. Indianapolis Colts
NRG Stadium, Houston, Texas

Holy fucking shit, talk about a narrative being thrown out the window. I had fully prepared to talk about Andrew Luck being on Injured Reserve and the Colts’ season being over, and this being an easy win for the Texans. (It still is, but still.) But now apparently DeShaun Watson is out with a torn ACL in a non-contact injury. A huge devastating loss for the Texans and one that really ruins their chances of retaining the AFC South, if not in the context of this game. I mean, we’re already fucked by Luck being out for the season. The Texans might be fucked too now. As far as this game goes, we might actually get some rare joy for this season, as the Texans’ Quarterback backups are absolute bin fires. However their defence is still very good even minus JJ Watt. Fuck it, I’m ever an optimist. Even if you can’t tell it by these previews. Colts. Now how does this affect the tank?

Seattle Seahawks v. Washington Redskins
CenturyLink Field, Seattle, Washington

It’s the Washington Derby*!

*Let’s ignore the fact the two Washingtons are fucking miles apart

The Seahawks welcome their Washington counterparts to the other Washington, the state of Washington, rather than the team Washington, who don’t actually play in Washington D.C. or the state of Washington.

…anyway, the Hawks have been hitting form as they always tend to do around this point of the season, when people start writing them off and then they start to make people look silly for writing them off. The Washingtons – Washington the team not Washington the state – have been hit and miss this season and were very much miss against the Cowboys. Now that Cousins doesn’t have the San Francisco escape route any more, he might sign a long-term deal in Washington. Or maybe he’ll sign for someone else. Arizona?

Meanwhile, the Seahawks will take Washington to bits. The team, not the state.

WASHINGTON. Seahawks.

San Francisco 49ers v. Arizona Cardinals
Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, California

Speaking of San Francisco and Arizona, they meet in the official beginning of the Jimmy Garappolo era in San Francisco*.

*Santa Clara

Garappolo inherits Carlos Hyde as a running back, and to be honest, not much else. He’s not going to have the supporting cast he would have had if he’d just waited a few years – probably like eight or nine at this rate – for Tom Brady to retire. The Cardinals meanwhile come off bye after being destroyed by the Rams in London in what was a truly awful game to be at live. I mean, come on Arizona, surely you could score at least a field goal? No? Sighhh…I’ll probably start Adrian Peterson this week in fantasy because the 49ers defence is awful. However, I’m still picking the Niners bizarrely because I can see Jimmy G getting off to a winning start. If they hadn’t traded for him, I would be picking Arizona.

With Jimmy G and Brissett both being traded to the Niners and Colts respectively, Brian Hoyer is the heir apparent to Tom Brady right now.

Fucking LOL @ that. 49ers.

Dallas Cowboys v. Kansas City Chiefs
AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas

This should be a fun game, with the Cowboys back on form, and Ezekiel Elliott leading the line against a Chiefs team who have been superb this year…he’s been suspended again, huh?

Well then.

The Ezekiel Elliott Wheel of Discipline continues to march on, as the NFL tries to get him suspended and he keeps managing to get it overturned. At this point they’d be better just binning the whole idea and letting the man play. The Chiefs meanwhile have been very good this year. I say this every damn article but it can’t be said enough. Alex Smith is having the best year of his career. It’s gonna be great for him when he’s renegotiating that contract.

If Elliott doesn’t play, the Chiefs walk this. If he does, it’s closer, but the Chiefs still pull it off. Chiefs.

Miami Dolphins v. Oakland Raiders
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

This is the Sunday Night game?

Oh boy.

Jay Cutler will probably be back, which means that we can expect some hilarious interceptions and some superb not-caring. Derek Carr has been inconsistent this year since his injury, being brilliant one week and maddeningly frustrating the next. To be honest, you can say that exact sentence about both of these teams – inconsistency is very much the key with both teams this year, which means that this one is absolutely impossible to predict.

I suppose that does make it a good Sunday night game after all.

It’s impossible to predict, but hell I’m gonna try anyway. I’ll go the team with the better Quarterback. Raiders.

Green Bay Packers v. Detroit Lions
Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin

Here comes the Aaron Rodgers Monday Night Football Hail Mary special!

…that would have been my narrative if he had been healthy. But he’s not. He, like many other stars are on injured reserve, which seems to be another narrative of this weird, weird season. The Lions will probably trail this game for three quarters then bring back fourth quarter heroics. That seems kinda ironic as that’s normally what Aaron Rodgers does to them. But the Lions specialise in that too. This game is confusing. Instead of Rodgers, Brett Hundley will be under Centre for the Packers…

Actually, it’s not that confusing. Lions.

"Goodbye my lover. 
Goodbye my friend. 
You have been the one. 
You have been the one for me..."
Teams on Bye in Week 9: Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers

Well, that’ll do it for this week. Good luck to your teams and fantasy teams this week, unless you’re playing mine…I can’t crack a joke here, to be honest. 

Get well soon DeShaun Watson and Andrew Luck. And Zach Miller. And Aaron Rodgers. And JJ Watt. And David Johnson. And Odell Beckham Jr.

Damn you, Injured Reserve.

Go Colts.