Week 10 Review by Stuart Tomlin

Ah, November.

The nights are getting shorter, the leaves are falling from the trees. University deadlines are approaching, as are exams.

And NFL teams are starting to figure out who’s good and who’s shite.

Well, that’s the theory, anyway.

Week 10 was a bit of an odd one, wasn’t it? A few blowouts. A couple of shocks. A couple of near-misses. A couple of hold-ons. And a very, very relieved Colts fan writing this.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Carolina Panthers
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania

It’s Thursday Night Blowout Season once again.

But no, this game’s gonna be competitive, isn’t it? Two teams that are pushing the playoff picture, and it should be a very competitive game, surely?

Cam Newton’s scored on the opening drive, this is off to a good start…

Juju’s just got a touchdown on the very next play, huh?

…Newton’s been put under pressure, and thrown an interception on a play where he really, really should have just taken the safety, huh?

The Panthers went from 7-0 up with 10.29 on the clock in the first quarter…to 14-7 down with 10.05 on the clock. In the first quarter.

And then it all went downhill from there.

Cam Newton’s offensive line fell to absolute bits and he got repeatedly battered.

The Steelers played this like they were playing Madden. Scoring for fun.

Eric Reid got ejected on a questionable hit, then the Panthers’ hopes just went out the window.

A horrible clownball turnover led to another touchdown for the Steelers, then we got a Fiftyburger.

Just a horrible, horrible night for the Panthers. And a pretty great night for the Steelers.

And that’s without Le’Veon Bell, who’s not coming back this season. We’re probably getting this nonsense again next year. Yippee.

Unless common sense prevails, and they just cut him, which honestly would be the win-win for both teams. The Steelers have their potential running back of the future in James Conner, and Le’Veon Bell gets to sign wherever he wants.

In the meantime the Steelers go to a Jaguars who have lost five straight looking to twist the knife in their season as revenge for the AFC Divisional Round last season. The Panthers meanwhile look to bounce back against the Lions.

Le’Veon Bell’s probably gonna end up signing for the New York Fitba Jets.

Are we sure it’s a win-win?

Final Score: Steelers 52 (FIFTY-TWO), Panthers 21.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. Washington D.C. Football Team
 

Raymond James Stadium, you know, the one with the badass Pirate Ship in it, Tampa, Florida

I’ll never not love the fact that the Buccaneers stadium has an actual fucking pirate ship in it.

The Buccaneers got 501 yards of offence in this game.

And scored three points.

How the actual hell is that possible?

FitzMagic is officially dead in the water. He was pretty dreadful in this game. Winston is a binfire right now. The Buccaneers should probably be in the Quarterback market in March or April. Depending on how high they pick in the Draft, I’d lean towards April normally, but it’s not the best QB market in the Draft so maybe Free Agency is worth a look? I dunno. I’m not a General Manager (thankfully). There is a Football Manager esque game – Sports Mogul 2019 - that I’m gonna try out some point to try my GMing skills, or inherit lack of them, and Madden has a GM mode too, so maybe after I’m done taking the Colts to the Super Bowl I can try the Buccaneers? Who knows.

Anyway, onto the Washington Washingtons, and bizarrely, they might end up winning the NFC East by default due to the absolute dreadfulness of the other three teams this year. That’s including the Super Bowl Champions, by the way. The NFC Least is back. Without three starters on the O-Line and a starting corner, they were able to do enough to pull out the victory here. Adrian Peterson seems to be a bit boom and bust from week to week this season. They’ll be happy to see Guice return next year, as decent as AP has been overall. Big three games in the schedule coming up in the next few weeks, including a Thanksgiving trip to JerryWorld.

Next up for Washington though is the Houston Texans, and D.C., I will absolutely love yous if you win that one. 

Meanwhile, the Buccaneers get the Giants

…PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR ANOTHER TANK BOWL.

Washington haven’t had a single lead change in any of their games this season.

Madness.

Final Score: Buccaneers 501 yards and 3 points, Washington 16.

Kansas City Chiefs v. Arizona Cardinals
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri

Here’s a game that’s going to be an absolute wash. The Chiefs are on fire, arguably the team of the AFC this season, and the Cardinals are on fire too. A binfire. This should be an easy Chiefs win.

Wait, what do you mean the Cardinals are giving them a game, what is this sorcery?

David Johnson has 183 yards from scrimmage. That’s David Johnson doing peak David Johnson things again. That’s good news for the Cardinals.

The Cardinals have sacked Patrick Mahomes five times. That’s a season high for Mahomes. That’s half the number of times Andrew Luck has been sacked this season.

(nope, not gonna stop talking about that one for a while).

But then the Chiefs realised that they are the Chiefs and they are playing the Cardinals and put the game to bed.

Tyreek Hill was the star here, with 117 yards and 2 TDs. Kareem Hunt meanwhile had a modest 71 yards. That’s modest for Kareem Hunt. That’s saying something about how good he’s been this year.

The Chiefs have an absolute belter of a game next weekend as they take on the Los Angeles Rams on Monday Night Football in Mexico City. (Edit: NOPE. Los Angeles instead.) That’s gonna be a must-watch game. The Cardinals meanwhile get the Raiders…in ANOTHER TANK BOWL.

Mahomes took a beating here and still led the Chiefs to victory. MVP, MVP, MVP.

Final Score: Chiefs 26, Cardinals 14.

New York Jets v. Buffalo Bills
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

*plays the UrinatingTree Tank Bowl theme*

Ah, two teams playing utterly dreadful football. At least we’ll get some clownball. The Buffalo Bills have opted to put Matt Barkley in ahead of Nathan Peterman. To be honest, you could put a bag of laundry in ahead of Nathan Peterman and you’d probably get a lot more production at the Quarterback position. Still, it’s former consensus number one pick Matt Barkley up against player-coach Josh McCown. Oh yeah, Sam Darnold’s out of this game too.

Bring on the Clownball.

…except the Clownball was situated to one team, and one team only.

The New York Jets, ladies and gentlemen!

Wait, why are the Bills winning by 30 points in the first half? Why is this a thing? Why is Matt Barkley leading the Bills to the best performance of the season? Well, maybe if you discount Minnesota, where they inexplicably beat the Vikings at home…is this going to be the Bills’ new thing? Suck most games and then pull out an improbable beating of a couple of teams a year?

Okay, let’s roll with that.

The New York Jets are a really, really bad football team. Two questions were put to the audience at half-time:

-      

Is there any player on the Jets team you would have right now?

-      

Can a head coach be fired at half-time?

The answer to the first question is Jamal Adams.

The answer to the second, unfortunately for the Jets, is no. 

Well, if Vontae Davis can retire at half-time, so can Todd Bowles? Maybe?

There’s no chance he’s here next season.

The Bills meanwhile do not need to rush Josh Allen back, they can run with Matt Barkley for the meantime. Sadly, that means that we will probably not get to see Nathan Peterman play again this season.

(EDIT: Since time of writing, he's been cut. A truly tragic day for those of us who love us some clownball.)

Leave the memories alone.

The Bills and Jets both have their bye next week.

The Football Gods have spared us for a week.

Final Score: Jets 10, Bills 41 (FORTY-ONE).

Indianapolis Colts v. Jacksonville Jaguars
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana

What’s that faint sound in the background?

What’s that unfamiliar feeling?

Is that

Is that hope?

My God, hope, I have fucking missed you so much.

The Colts are on a three-game winning streak.

IT’S COMING HOME, IT’S…

Ahem, getting a bit ahead of myself.

It’s absolutely great though. Indy absolutely torched the Jaguars in the first half, and Andrew Luck was on fire again. Quenton Nelson completely ruined the Sunday afternoon of a Jaguars defensive lineman. I mean did you see that block? The screaming block? It was utterly incredible stuff. Eric Ebron scored three touchdowns in the first half and I’m already preparing his place in the Colts Ring of Honour. 

What the hell were you thinking letting him go, Detroit?

And then we almost Pagano’d it in the second half and nearly lost the game.

But, nearly being the key word.

The Jags got back into it, and Donte Moncrief had to score a touchdown, didn’t he? He just had to. You knew it was coming.

They almost levelled it. We didn’t score a point in the entire second half. They were marching down the field, six points down, and we all got that familiar feeling of us blowing it once again.

Then Kenny Moore made a play, punched the ball out, and Malik Hooker recovered it.

Game over. Win in the bag.

We’d have lost this game under Pagano. That’s the difference between this team under Pagano and this team under Reich. Luck is being kept clean, he’s not been sacked in four – FOUR - games, the offensive line is playing better than I’ve ever seen it in Indianapolis, and the defence is growing slowly. Bend but don’t break.

Jalen Ramsey was quoted in the off-season as saying Andrew Luck wasn’t that good. Andrew Luck torched him on this afternoon.

Hope is here once again.

We might not make the playoffs, but my God, it’s good to have hope in this club once again. Hell, who knows? We might just.

Another huge game for us next weekend, as we take on the Titans at home. If we can win that, we might just be back in business once again. Meanwhile, the Jags get the Steelers in a game they must win or their season is over.

How’s that whole Sacksonville thing working out?

Final Score: Colts 29, Jaguars 26.

Chicago Bears v. Detroit Lions
Soldier Field, Chicago, Illinois

Khalil Mack and Allen Robinson were back for the Bears this week.

Khalil Mack and Allen Robinson, unsurprisingly, were impactful for the Bears this weekend.

In my second favourite play of the weekend (after Quenton Nelson pancaking that unfortunate Jags D-Lineman), Khalil Mack rushed through and rushed over an unfortunate Detroit Lions offensive lineman (Taylor Decker), and sacked Matthew Stafford.

As expected, the Bears defence feasted on Stafford and the Lions all day long. Six sacks, two interceptions, one fumble recovery. An absolute drubbing.

And Allen Robinson came back to score a touchdown pass. 

Trubisky meanwhile, threw three touchdowns and 355 yards. Mitchell Trubisky is very quietly having himself a very, very solid sophomore season.

The Lions have lost three straight and are probably dead in the water in the NFC North this season. The Bears, meanwhile, are very, very much in this fight.

Da Bears have a huge game with the Vikings next weekend, one that has been flexed to Sunday Night Football. Meanwhile, the Lions take on the Panthers.

Cody Parkey hit the uprights on four separate occasions on Sunday. How the hell is that even possible? That’s absolutely amazing, but how the hell do you have that kind of inaccuracy, yet accuracy?

Final Score: Bears 34, Lions 22.

Cincinnati Bengals v. New Orleans Saints
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio

I honestly thought this would be an Admiral Ackbar game for the Saints.

I took them anyway in the predictions.

I need not have worried.

The Saints very much looked like the class of the NFC here, absolutely leathering the Bengals six ways from Sunday on their own patch. Drew Brees is nearly forty and he’s playing some of the best football in his career. Five touchdowns for the Saints total, three of them passing TDs from Brees. They scored on EVERY SINGLE POSSESSION of the game that they had, bar the final kneeldown at the end of the game. Right now, it’s getting harder and harder to see a team that can beat them in this conference. Their week 1 loss to the Buccaneers seems a lifetime ago. This team may just be going to the Super Bowl.

The Bengals meanwhile, are slipping in the Wildcard race. They currently hold the sixth and last place in the AFC Playoffs, but they have not been great the last few weeks and they lost AJ Green to injury before this game, a huge loss for them. They have spent time without Joe Mixon this season. John Ross exited the game with injury. With the Dolphins, Ravens, Titans and Colts on the Bengals’ tail in the race for that final Wildcard spot, can the Bengals fight off all of those challenges? It’s hard to see it right this moment. Especially based on performances like this. Marvin Lewis’ job might be in question once again.

Oh, who am I kidding.

When the world ends, it’ll be cockroaches and Marvin Lewis coaching the Cincinnati Bengals.

The Saints get the reigning Champion Eagles at home next weekend, while the Bengals travel to Baltimore for a huge AFC North game against the Ravens.

Marvin Lewis might rehire Hue Jackson as offensive co-ordinator.

BREAKING: He has in fact rehired him as “Special Assistant to the Head Coach”.

HE’S THE ASSISTANT COACH!

(Man, Run, Fatboy, Run was a fun movie).

Jesus wept, Cincinnati.

Final Score: Bengals 14, Saints 51 (FIFTY-ONE).

Tennessee Titans v. New England Patriots
LP Stadium, Nashville, Tennessee

Ughh…it’s one of those times where I have to root for the Patriots to win a game, isn’t it? Let’s suck it up and get this over with…

And of course, they pick now to have their annual game where they absolutely shit the bed and lose brutally.

Had to be now, didn’t it, New England?

It just had to be now.

The Ten Fucking Titans, to quote Keira, absolutely dominated the Patriots in all three aspects of the game. Offensively, the Titans were the better team. Defensively, the Titans were the better team. On special teams, the Titans were the better team.

Mariota is starting to really come onto a game, and the defence has been strong. Who have they got next?

Ah, fuck.

The Patriots meanwhile were without Gronk once again, Dwayne Allen got hurt, and they seem to be suffering for injuries. Of course they get their bye to rest up these injuries, because these breaks always happen for the Patriots.

Every year, we get a Patriots game where they are dreadful, and the hot takes come in, saying the Empire is crumbling and the Patriots are finished, and then they obliterate their next opponents. They’ve done it twice this year. First the Lions, then they battered the Dolphins. And now, they’ll probably do it again.

The Titans next week have a huge AFC South game against my Colts. The winner will be in pole position to challenge the Texans for the AFC South or position themselves better in the Wildcard. Or both. Probably both. Please let it be Indy that wins that. Please.

Speaking of who the Pats are gonna obliterate, who do they get off the bye?

*checks notes*

The New York Jets.

The view never changes, does it?

Final Score: Titans 34, Patriots 10.

Cleveland Browns v. Atlanta Falcons
FirstEnergy Stadium, Home of the Cleveland Browns, Cleveland, Ohio

Okay, let’s just get this out of the way early.

Cleveland Browns punter Britton Colquitt starred in the most hilariously bad advert of the season.

It had everything.

Really, really bad Dad dancing.

Colquitt using the power of solar energy to punt the ball out of the stadium. (That’s a touchback, by the way, and an ability that’s entirely useless in the actual game).

A talking dog.

A SOLAR DOG.

WHY IS THE DOG TALKING IN THIS ADVERT?

WHY DO THEY CUT TO HIM RANDOMLY?

WHY DOES THE KID HAVE BILLS TO PAY?

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BAD DANCING?

WHY, AGAIN, IS THE DOG TALKING?

So, so many questions.

Oh, there was a game that happened this weekend, too. The Browns against the Falcons.

The Curse of the Super Bowl hosts came for the Falcons once again, as after resurrecting their playoff hopes over the last few weeks, they went full LOLcans and blew it against the Browns.

Julio Jones got his second touchdown of the season. That was the highlight of their day.

The Falcons have been way too inconsistent this season, but still somehow remain in the playoff hunt. The wildcard hunt. The division is well, well in the distance now.

The Browns didn’t need overtime, didn’t have any blocked punts, or anything like that. They had the most complete game of Baker Mayfield’s young career.

Are we sure this is the Browns we’re watching?

They get their bye next week, while the Falcons take on Dallas.

Solar Dog is 1-0 with the Browns.

Give him the Head Coaching job now.

Final Score: Browns 28, Falcons 16.

Oakland Raiders v. Los Angeles Chargers
O.Co Coliseum, Oakland, California

Another week, another embarrassing Raiders defeat.

Another beat down from the Chargers.

The Chargers are 7-2, and the best team no one is talking about. Philip Rivers is quietly playing so good football this season. Melvin Gordon is absolute fantasy gold and my team absolutely loves him. This is their best record since 2006. They still have a shot at their division, with two games against the Chiefs still to come up. Those games will be absolutely huge.

Grudenball struck again and Derek Carr got crushed behind an offensive line that has been utterly terrible once again, losing the ball and the Chargers recovered. That pretty much sums up the Raiders season. An absolute disaster from start to finish. However, those three first round picks will be great for their eventual move to Vegas…if only they had themselves a pass rusher. Or an offensive line. Or a number wide receiver.

Jon Gruden traded Khalil Mack.

And Amari Cooper.

And might end up trading Derek Carr.

Good luck, Justin Herbert!

Wouldn’t surprise me if he ends up going back for his senior year at Oregon, at this rate.

The Raiders face the Cardinals next weekend in a game that will go a long way to decide who is on the clock in April. The Chargers meanwhile take on the Broncos.

Las Vegas isn’t til 2020. There’s no guarantee that Oakland will have the Raiders in 2019.

The San Diego Raiders facing the Los Angeles Chargers next season?

Talk about a mind-fuck.

Final Score: Raiders 6, Chargers 20.

Los Angeles Rams v. Seattle Seahawks
LA Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles, California

A very enjoyable game between two teams, one of whom is one of the best teams in the league, the other is trying to find their way again.

It wasn’t that long ago that the roles were reversed here.

The Rams still look like the second-best team in the NFC behind the Saints, and look like they could be playing on Championship Sunday, albeit on the road after their defeat last week. They overcame a sluggish defensive start to come back and win this game, with a huge fourth down stop being the sealer on the game and pretty much handing them the NFC West at this point in the season. Five games ahead? They’re not blowing that, surely? Rams are probably heading for a bye to the Divisional Round.

The Seahawks seem to be very middle of the road and I have had them to finish 8-8 all year. They’ve been very hit and miss this season, but they performed well in defeat in a huge road game, and would’ve beat a lot of teams with this performance. However, it’s just like fantasy when you score the second highest score of the week, and are playing against the highest score of the week. Doesn’t matter who else you would’ve beaten if you didn’t beat the person you were playing. That’s happened to me a couple of times this year…not that I’m bitter…but I’m 8-2 so I’m happy right now with my fantasy team anyway. The Seahawks meanwhile are 4-5, and need to start picking up more wins if they’re gonna sniff the post-season.

They get the Packers in what should be a very entertaining Thursday Night tilt, although we said that about the Steelers and Panthers this week, and look what happened there. The Rams meanwhile have a huge Monday night game against the Chiefs in Mexico.

One final note – the Rams were disrupted by the California wildfires that blazed this week. To play this game despite everything that happened in California was impressive. Our thoughts are with all that have been affected by those fires, as well as the recent shootings in California and Pittsburgh, these past couple of weeks.

Final Score: Rams 36, Seahawks 31.

Green Bay Packers v. Miami Dolphins
Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin

The Packers are undefeated this season at Lambeau, with four wins and a very strange tie with the Vikings.

The Packers have not won away from home.

Luckily for the Pack, this game was at home. And after the Dolphins threatened briefly to make a game of it, Aaron Rodgers did Aaron Rodgers things and took them to bits. Another Aaron, Aaron Jones, emulated his namesake and had himself a game, 145 yards, 2 touchdowns. A potential breakout game for a Packers running back? Hopefully it works out better than Eddie Lacy. Where the hell is he these days?

I’m sure it’ll work out better for Aaron Jones.

The Dolphins meanwhile, Brockvember is not really working out. Brocktober started well, but faded, and who knows what Brocember will hold? Probably more of the same. Is Brock Osweiler the new Rusev Day? Happy Rusev Day, by the way. Is Ryan Tannehill coming back soon? Can it be after Week 12? In fact, I’m not even sure I want Brock playing against us because bizarrely he always seems to beat us. Well, we slayed the Blake Bortles demon, we can slay this demon too.

That’s a depressing sentence.

The Phins are on bye before their trip to Lucas Oil, while the Packers get the Seahawks at the site of the Fail Mary six years ago.

The Fail Mary, the 2014 NFC Championship game…man those days seem a long time ago, don’t they?

Final Score: Packers 31, Dolphins 12.

Philadelphia Eagles v. Dallas Cowboys
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Man, so many good teams in the league this year. The Chiefs, the Saints, the Rams, the Patriots, the Chargers, the Panthers (until this week, I guess)

Why are we getting the Cowboys in primetime for the second week in a row?

Okay, who pissed off the Football Gods and subjected us to this one?

And yet, with this result, we could end up potentially getting Cowboys PLAYOFF football. They’re only two games back in the NFC Least and very much alive. Ezekiel Elliott was the star of this game, ending any chance of an Eagles comeback with touchdown sealing ends to drives. This was probably the most fight the Cowboys have shown all season – a world of difference from last weekend’s showing.

Meanwhile, the reigning Super Bowl Champions…what the hell has happened to them this year? The Eagles’ title defence has stopped, started and sputtered all season long. They’ve been struggling all year, had a slow start to this game, only scoring three points in the first half and giving up a touchdown right at the end of the first half. They put up a bit of a fight behind Wentz and Ertz – something that gave my fantasy team a scare – but ultimately came up short. With a trip to New Orleans up next, the Eagles look in danger of being the first Super Bowl winning team since the Denver Broncos to miss the following postseason. And they had Peyton Manning retiring.

The Eagles have that aforementioned trip to New Orleans to face the Saints, while the Cowboys take on the Falcons next weekend.

The Cowboys tried the Philly Special against the Titans.

They should have tried it in Philly.

Ultimate piss-boiling.

Final Score: Eagles 20, Cowboys 27.

San Francisco 49ers v. New York Giants
Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, California

Ladies and Gentlemen…

IT’S ANOTHER TANK BOWL!

As it turns out the battle to see who would be picking higher or lower in April was a pretty fun game to watch. Eli Manning looked kinda like the Eli Manning of old, and in the absolute twilight of his career – surely this will be his last season as a Giant, if not his last season in the NFL – it was nice to see him bring together a game-winning drive on Monday.

One quote on Twitter that perfectly summed up the 2018 New York Fitba Giants though: “Saquon Barkley avoids 17 defenders, runs 57 yards, no gain.”

The offensive line continues to be a tire-fire for the Giants and one they will have to retool, rebuild, or just completely tear down and start over. Again.

Apart from Will Hernandez, he’s been pretty good.

The Niners meanwhile took a step forward to a higher pick and with Jimmy G coming back next season, a higher pick could very much help them out in the long-run. However, Nick Mullens, fresh off his GOAT showing against the Raiders, was brought back slightly to earth here, although neither interception was really his fault? He will probably have a serviceable career as a long-time NFL backup, if not a low-end starter.

Or he’ll completely go full Tom Brady and become the new Greatest of All Time.

There is no inbetween.

The Giants get the Buccaneers and the chance to build a winning streak next weekend. The Niners get the chance to lay on the beach next weekend, as they’re on the bye.

That would explain their record.

If this was Eli’s last great moment as an NFL Quarterback, it was a hell of a one to finish on. Thanks for the Super Bowl beatings of the Patriots, Eli.

Final Score: 49ers 23, Giants 27.

I went a paltry 8-6 on the week, not my greatest week in NFL picks, but still.

That’ll do it for this week. House move is done, but I have a ton of Uni work coming up in the next month or so that I need to focus on, so my chances to do reviews over the next few weeks *may* be limited. We’ll see how we get on.

Anyways, that’ll do it for this week…

HOLD THE PRESSES:

Some late news coming in from Tuesday: two bits of important news, that I didn’t get to in the main article (written Monday, bar 49ers-Giants, which hadn’t been written Monday because it hadn’t happened yet, obviously.)

Anyway, the NFL has today announced that the Chiefs and Rams game, set for Mexico on Monday, is now happening in Los Angeles. This is due to the pitch at the Azteca being completely unplayable. While I do sympathise with the fans who were going to the game down there, the players’ safety makes this the right call. Can’t help but feel there should’ve been a contingency plan in place for Mexico, though. Maybe an extra game next season instead?

Meanwhile, Le’Veon Bell has forfeited his money for this year officially as of Tuesday evening, and will not play this season. He will either be tagged for ridiculous money, transition tagged, or thankfully relieved of this situation by being made a free agent, and we can all move on with our lives. Hopefully it’s option c. They might even work out a deal with him…HAHAHAHAHA oh I couldn’t keep a straight face with that.

Have fun playing for the Jets, Le’Veon!

And as always,

Go Colts.

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