NFL Week 9 Review: By Stuart Tomlin

Ah, bye weeks. The most relaxing time of the year for any NFL fan.

Unless you have Uni work and schedule a house move during that week.

Oh, and going to see the WWE in Aberdeen.

I spent my bye week Sunday at the Aberdeen Exhibition and Conference Centre (or whatever the sponsor name is…BGHE Arena? I think that’s it?) watching the stars of WWE SmackDown beat the living hell out of each other. And it was ace.

However, after the event I saw some football at Bridge Street, and then saw the Patriots v Packers game. And watched the Cowboys v Titans on Monday. Even though I should have probably slept.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

San Francisco 49ers v. Oakland Raiders
Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, California, and definitely not the Raiders stadium like I had in my first draft of this article, yes I had a first draft and by that I mean I noticed that I accidentally put the Raiders at home first, okay?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the TANK BOWL.

Well, unless you start Nick Mullens, and he throws for three touchdowns and no interceptions in his debut.

Nick Mullens is already marked down to be the Greatest Quarterback of All Time.

Let’s be honest though, it was a bit of a baws-out pump-fest, wasn’t it? The Raiders are an absolute binfire on both sides of the ball, and they decided to play a fun wee game of “Let’s let our Quarterback get absolutely smashed to pieces behind our turnstile of an offensive line” (I don’t think Hasbro’s are turning that into a board game anytime soon, and if they somehow think that’s a good idea, they might wanna go with a shorter name).

The Niners may end up trading Mullens away to some Quarterback-needy team in the offseason if he continues to play like this for the rest of the season. He’s probably not usurping Jimmy G, but this was a promising start. I guess it was only the Raiders and it’s only been one game but it was a good start for him. Let the Tom Brady comparisons begin!

Next week the Niners face the Giants…on Monday Night Football. Another Tank Bowl in primetime. Great organising, NFL scheduling. Meanwhile, the Raiders are at home to the Chargers.

Three first rounders next season. Jon Gruden really is preparing to go all-in in Vegas, isn’t he? Not the first person in the world to try that.

Final Score: 49ers 34, Raiders 3.

Washington D.C. Football Team v. Atlanta Falcons

FedEx Field, Landover, Maryland

The Washington Midterms (GO VOTE IF YOU’RE IN AMERICA) are 5-2. The Atlanta Falcons are struggling at 3-4. Washington are on a bit of a run. The Falcons are not and are struggling in a tough division.

We all know how this ended.

The Falcons completely blew out the Washingtons.

I mean, Julio Jones actually caught a touchdown pass! And it’s ridiculous that I’m using the word “actually” here, but through nine weeks of the season (including the Falcons bye), he hadn’t caught a touchdown. He’s not even been bad this year? He’s had 53 catches and 812 yards! That’s a freaking record number of yards without a touchdown pass! But he’s ended his drought, and now he’s probably gonna go on a bit of a run and become the Julio of old and rattle in a bunch of touchdown catches now.

Washington looked average here, and need to probably win their division to make the postseason. I cannot see them being a wildcard team. Losses like this at home against a defence that’s struggling like Atlanta’s are a big problem for them.

Fortunately for them, they have FitzMagic and the Buccaneers next week (CC: @OldTakesExposed), while the Falcons have a real chance to go above .500. They have the Browns.

Two teams here that could be in the Wildcard Race (I know I’ve just contradicted myself here by saying Washington probably won’t be a Wildcard team). Washington got to 5-3 and I’m not sure how. The Falcons are 4-4 and I’m also not sure how.

Two very unusual seasons for these two, huh?

Final Score: Washingtons 14, Falcons 38

Minnesota Vikings v. Detroit Lions
US Bank Stadium, Minneapolis, Minnesota

This one honestly went as expected.

Well, mostly.

Kirk Cousins got 6.86 fantasy points for me this week.

That would have been enough to piss me off, but my team got 155.46.

How the hell did that happen?

Anyway, the Vikings are a good football team. The Lions are not. This went as expected. Matt Stafford was utterly destroyed as the Vikings defence feasted on him with 10 sacks. However he didn’t help the Lions’ cause by being absolutely dreadful this week. Danielle Hunter, the greatest defender you’ve never heard of (God, that’s the most hipster thing I’ve ever said) had 3.5 sacks and a touchdown when Matthew Stafford had no idea what the fuck he was doing. And neither did anyone else.

Both of these teams have the Bears next. The Lions get them next week. Good luck with that one, Detroit! Meanwhile, the Vikings get their bye and then face the Bears in a game that may go a long way to deciding the fate of the NFC North.

The fate of the NFC North not decided by Aaron Rodgers? I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of the apocalypse.

Well, when he’s not injured like last year, I mean.

Final Score: Vikings 24, Lions 9

Baltimore Ravens v. Pittsburgh Steelers
M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland

While writing this, someone just sneezed and I said “Bless you.” Then I immediately sneezed and they did the same.

That was kinda nice.

That has fuck all to do with the Ravens and the Steelers, but it’s just a thing that just happened.

The blood feud between the Steelers and the Ravens renewed itself for another tie, and after the Ravens won the game in Pittsburgh, the Steelers looked for revenge here.

I saw someone who looked exactly like Joe Flacco wearing a Joe Flacco jersey in Bridge Street this week. That would probably explain why the Ravens lost this game. Joe Flacco was actually in Aberdeen. There HAS been talk of Lamar Jackson getting more snaps recently, so…maybe Joe was at the wrestling?

The Steelers were in control of this game for most of it, and then the Days of Our Steelers played down to their competition once again and let the Ravens back in the game. I mean, not that the Ravens are bad by any means, but the Steelers almost choking a lead? Shocker.

Real-life Joe Flacco had the chance to win the game at the end of it, but the drive fell through flat and that handed the Steelers the win. That ties the series at 1-1 for the two of them this year. Both are still in within a shout of the playoffs, but both need to start getting going. It’s odd saying that about a team that’s 4-5 and a team that’s 5-2-1, but here we are. The Ravens started well, but seem to have slipped recently, while the Steelers started poorly and seem to be picking up. I guess we’ll see.

The Steelers take on the Panthers on Thursday Night which could be a really entertaining game. Meanwhile, the Ravens face off against the Bengals in a huge game for the AFC North.

Le’Veon Bell still hasn’t turned up in Pittsburgh. He’s got about a week or he won’t be able to return at all this season, could lose his free-agency status for 2019 by being tagged yet again and we have to repeat this entire shitshow once again next season.

Yaaaay.

Final Score: Ravens 16, Steelers 23.

Cleveland Browns v. Kansas City Chiefs
The Factory of Sadness, Cleveland, Ohio

The Chiefs juggernaut marches on for another week. Let’s see who they’re playing this week…*checks notes*

…the Browns.

Oh dear.

Oh, oh no.

This is gonna be a bloodbath.

This was very much a bloodbath, with Patrick Mahomes making yet more history for the Chiefs. He had 200 yards in this game. BEFORE HALF TIME. The man is absolutely ridiculous. 375 total yards, 3 touchdowns and 1 interception that came on a Hail Mary attempt at the end of the half because why the hell not attempt a Hail Mary just because he fucking can?

Kareem Hunt is fantasy gold and I absolutely love him to bits. 2 touchdowns and 32.10 fantasy points. You absolutely beautiful man, you. I love Kareem Hunt and he’s been sensational for me this season.

The Browns on the other hand…do I really need to say it? Baker Mayfield is trying, but Cleveland after two wins has kinda reverted back to Factory (of Sadness) Default Settings and is getting the living piss stomped out of them by the Chiefs.

I can’t say I saw any other outcome of this game.

The Browns get the Super Bowl LIII host Atlanta Falcons at home next week. Maybe hope that Super Bowl host curse can strike again, lads. Meanwhile, the Chiefs welcome the Cardinals in what will surely be another absolute beat-down.

The Chiefs are either going all the way to the Super Bowl, or are going to go full Reid and lose their first playoff game in the Divisional Round.

There is no* inbetween.

*Unless they lose to the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

Final Score: Browns 21, Chiefs 37.

Miami Dolphins v. New York Jets
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, Florida

I’ve always wondered why it was Miami Gardens and not just Miami the Stadium was located in.

I played a guy in fantasy this week in one of my leagues, where I control the Colts and he controls the Dolphins. You get to add players from the NFC in a Draft and make trades, but you control a franchise and get their players to start with.

The Colts were on bye this week. The Dolphins were not.

I won by 3 points.

(well, it didn’t count because you can’t win your bye week, but still. Proud of my "not" win.)

That kinda sums up this game. The Dolphins’ fantasy value lost to a team that were on a fucking bye.

And they still beat the Jets by a goddamn touchdown.

The Dolphins have swept the Jets for the first time since 2008.

Yikes.

The only bit of this game I actually saw was Sam Darnold throwing the game ending interception on the Jets’ final drive of the game.

I feel like this was the only interesting part of the game. The Jets need to start putting more around Darnold for the next few years. There’s some talent there but not that much, and he’s flashed his own talent in spaces but there’s natural growing pains.

Ryan Tannehill is most likely out until the Dolphins’ bye in Week 11, so his return will most likely be against the Colts.

Probably just as well. We’ve not done well against Brock Osweiler in the past.

That fact pains me.

The Dolphins go to Lambeau next weekend to face the Packers while the Jets get the Bills at home. Finally a potentially winnable game for the Jets.

…We’re gonna fucking lose to Osweiler again, aren’t we?

Final Score: Dolphins 13, Jets 6.

Buffalo Bills v. Chicago Bears
Ralph Wilson Stadium, Buffalo, New York

First of all, a shout out to Bills Mafia.

The NBC Bears page put out a video mocking Bills fans going through tables and called them the “laughing stock of the NFL”.

Bills fans responded by raising money for a Chicago charity -  Bear Necessities Pediatric Cancer Foundation. Last I checked it was over $8,000.

Between that and donating over $400,000 to Andy Dalton’s charity, the Bills fans are amazing.

Buffalo Bills fans: you are an absolute credit to the NFL.

It’s a shame that your team right now is absolutely dreadful and not worthy of you.

The Bills, one year removed from their first playoff appearance since 1999, are an absolute binfire.

Josh Allen, the rookie QB, is injured.

Derek Anderson, signed off the street, is injured.

So, you’re running with Nathan Peterman again.

Oh good Lord.

Nathan Peterman again.

This weekend, for Halloween, people were setting up the Nathan Peterman Halloween Challenge – starting Nathan Peterman in fantasy, and still winning your matchup.

He threw 0 touchdowns, and 3 interceptions. 

However, he did run for a rushing touchdown, giving him 12 points. (More than Kirk Cousins, my starting QB for the week, for the record.)

However, Nathan Peterman, at one point in this game, had a NEGATIVE fantasy value for this season.

He’s challenging Turanga Leela for the worst player of all time spot.

Meanwhile, the Bears defence got me 28 points, and that was WITHOUT Khalil Mack. The Bears defence is ridiculously scary good. 4 sacks, 3 interceptions, 2 touchdowns and a fumble recovery…(sing that to 12 Days of Christmas. Actually, don’t. IT’S NOVEMBER 6^TH (at time of writing. Wait until the Coca Cola Truck comes onto the telly. That’s how you know it’s Christmas.). 

But yeah. Scary, scary good.

The Bears get the Lions to feast upon next weekend, while the Bills travel to the Jets.

They’ve set up a GoFundMe to buy out Nathan Peterman’s contract. Seeing the way Bills fans raise money, this should reach its target in no time at all.

Seth Rollins loves football.

Final Score: Bills 9, Bears 41.

Carolina Panthers v. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina

The Panthers are very much challenging the Chargers for the title of “Best Team Nobody’s Talking About”. This is due to the Saints and Chiefs being in their respective divisions. Both of these teams have been ridiculously good, may have the third best record in the conference (because the Rams and Patriots exist, respectively), and will still probably have to go on the road for the Wildcard.

The NFL Playoff system, ladies and gentlemen!

The Panthers are quietly going about their business and seem to be back on the track that got them the number one seed in 2015, and Cam Newton the MVP. He’s been absolutely great this year and is doing absolute bits. It helps him that he’s got Greg Olsen back to fitness and back catching touchdowns again. My fantasy team thanks you.

The Buccaneers almost made this a game at one point, and without a doubt are looking much, much better with FitzMagic under centre than they ever did with Famous Jameis and his turnover specials. Seriously, why did Fitzpatrick lose the starting job to Winston? Are you that desperate to avoid the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle?

Yes, of course you are.

But nobody ever avoids the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle.

It is inevitable.

Death, taxes and the Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle.

The Panthers face the Steelers on Thursday night, while the Buccaneers get Washington on Sunday.

When the world ends, it’ll be cockroaches and Ryan Fitzpatrick playing well enough to usurp a starter, getting paid and then proceeding to absolutely suck.

Final Score: Panthers 42, Buccaneers 28

Seattle Seahawks v. Los Angeles Chargers
CenturyLink Field, Seattle, Washington

Man, remember when the Seahawks never lost at home?

The Legion of Boom really is gone, isn’t it?

Like the Panthers, the Chargers are the best team in the NFL that nobody is talking about. Or going to their games, based on the away fans that crowd the stands at every game in the StubHub Center. Maybe that’s why they’re doing so well away from home, they’re used to home games without their fans, so it’s just another game to them.

Phillip Rivers again was consistent in this game. Melvin Gordon is fantastic, another player on my fantasy team who’s been utterly ace for me this year. (I know I’ve talked about them a lot recently, but they’re winning! Can you blame me right now? I might actually make the fantasy playoffs for the first time in four years or so) And the defence has been solid without Joey Bosa. Joey Bosa is still to come back to this Chargers team. That’s a scary prospect.

The Seahawks have been hit and miss this year and seem to be on the cusp of rebuilding after the end of the Legion of Boom. They seem to be heading towards my predicted .500 season. Still some talent there, and Russell Wilson hasn’t been bad by any piece, and the offensive line improving has helped him massively. But, the Seahawks are a team removed from the heady days of the 2012-15 team that got two consecutive Super Bowl appearances.

They have a huge task going to Los Angeles to face the Rams next weekend. Meanwhile, the Chargers have another bye week. They’re facing the Raiders in Oakland.

Imagine if the Chargers make the Super Bowl. They might end up taking the lowest percentage of fans to Atlanta in Super Bowl history.

Final Score: Seahawks 17, Chargers 25.

Denver Broncos v. Houston Texans
Sports Authority Field at Mile High, Denver, Colorado

There’s few worse things in the NFL as an Indianapolis Colts fan than the Houston Texans going on a winning streak.

And here we are.

The Denver Broncos welcomed them to Sports Authority Field at Mile High (This is basically Kilmac Stadium at Dens Park, isn’t it, except a hell of a lot nicer of a stadium).

Demaryius Thomas had himself a game against his former team. And then ripped them to shreds in the post-game by saying nobody had told him about the trade.

Yikes. What a first game to play. In your old stadium, against your old team. 61 yards later, Thomas ripped his old team a new one more off the field than he did on the field. (And he wasn’t bad on the field.)

Denver meanwhile could’ve won this at the end but missed a field goal right at the death. They could have moved the ball to give their kicker more of a chance than 60 yards.

They didn’t.

And missed the field goal.

At least Bradley Chubb seems to be panning out now? He had us worried for a brief minute. Him and Von Miller might be deadly for years to come.

Both teams are on their bye next week. That saves me a paragraph.

FFS, Denver. Could have done with yous winning this.

Final Score: Broncos 17, Texans 19.

New Orleans Saints v. Los Angeles Rams
Mercedes Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Here it is, a potential game of the season, two high-powered offences. Now, Stuart, you’ve talked about your fantasy team a lot, surely you can think of something else to say, surely you don’t go straight to that well…

*Michael Thomas sets Saints record for yards and scores a touchdown*

HEY HE’S ON MY FANTASY TEA…

…God damn it.

(yes, I’m enjoying this, ok?)

The Rams and the Saints had themselves a game, with both offences throwing for all of the yards in an absolute classic of a shootout. The Saints took the lead, the Rams pegged them back. The Saints took a lead of 35-14, and yep, the Rams pegged them back again.

Then the Saints ended the game, and became the new favourites in the NFC.

They have the quarterback, the coach and the offensive pieces to beat any team in this league. They look scary good. They ended the streak of the last remaining undefeated team in the Rams, a team we weren’t entirely sure were going to lose a game this year.

This is surely going to be the NFC Championship game this year, isn’t it?

(well, maybe the Panthers might have something to say about that, but we’ll see.)

Michael Thomas’ flip phone celebration tribute to Joe Horn was kinda cool too, wasn’t it? Bet Andrew Luck was happy to see another player with a flip phone.

The Saints face the Bengals off the Bengals’ bye next weekend, and the Rams welcome the Seahawks.

No more undefeated teams. The 1972 Miami Dolphins will be getting drunk tonight.

Final Score: Saints 45, Rams 35.

New England Patriots v. Green Bay Packers
Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts

The Pats welcomed the Packers to the Death Star in what may be the final career meeting of two of the greatest Quarterbacks of all-time in Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers. Brady has five Super Bowl rings. Rodgers has one. Imagine if the Packers had given Rodgers the talent around him (or indeed the coaching) that Brady had over the last eight years or so.

A very enjoyable game for the neutral was kept close for most of the game until the very end when the Patriots’ class on offence shone through and they picked up the win over the Packers. Cordarelle Paterson is apparently a running back now, because reasons, and ran in a touchdown for the Pats.

The fumble that Aaron Jones lost may have been the difference maker, as the Patriots capitalised on this mistake to take a lead they would not lose. A final touchdown to Josh Gordon was the deal-sealer.

I really can’t see Mike McCarthy still being in charge of the Packers next year. Whatever you do, Green Bay, do not look in the direction of the other sideline and Josh McDaniels. He’s a rat, he’s a snake, and he will take your franchise into the absolute dirt. He was dreadful as a Head Coach in Denver, he bailed on us in Indy, and he is going to drive his next head coaching job into a ditch.

He’s probably going to end up in Cleveland, because of course they haven’t suffered enough.

The Packers welcome the Dolphins to Lambeau next weekend, while the Patriots face off against the Ten Fucking Titans.

Seriously, Green Bay, don’t hire McDaniels. I don’t want to have to root against you.

Final Score: Patriots 31, Packers 17.

Dallas Cowboys v. Ten Fucking Titans
The JerryDome, Arlington, Texas

Oh, Dallas, what are you doing?

Just what are you doing right now?

Amari Cooper scored a touchdown in his Cowboys debut and it was looking good for them for a brief moment.

Then Jason “Happy Clapper” Garrett happened, and the Cowboys went to shit again this season.

Lawrence is an absolute beast of a player and I want him to hit free agency and end up in Indianapolis.

The Titans meanwhile had Mariota performing better than I’ve seen him play this season. Not a high bar, admittedly, based on what I’ve seen of the Titans offence so far this season. See you in two weeks, Titans. I look forward to Keira’s takes on that game.

I can’t see Garrett in Dallas next season. Cowboys, see my warning to Green Bay.

They have a genuine conundrum coming up with the state of Dak Prescott – his contract is up after the 2019 season. The way he’s playing right now, I can’t see them giving him an extension right now. However, without the first rounder they gave up for Amari Cooper, I can’t see them drafting a QB this year, so he might enter 2019 as a lame-duck prove-it quarterback.

The Titans get the Patriots at home next week, while the Cowboys face the Eagles off their bye on Sunday Night Football.

Man, the NFL loves a Primetime Cowboys game, doesn’t it?

Final Score: Cowboys 14, Titans 28.

And that’ll do it for this week! I didn’t think I’d actually get a Review done this week but finished my Uni work early this week so found myself with a surprising free night and nothing to do, so here you go. Review done.

I won by one point against Kyle this week in the predictions. I went 10-3, while Kyle went 9-4. The season scores stand at myself at 82-50-2, while Kyle is 76-56-2. A six point lead for myself heading into Week 10.

Will hopefully try and do a picks video on Saturday (or most likely Sunday) from my brand new flat.

House moving is not fun.

In the meantime, as always:

Go Colts.