NFL Week 5 Review By Stuart Tomlin

So ends another week.

Bit of a weird week, wasn’t it?

Kickers missing all over the shop. Wide receivers throwing touchdown passes better than their starting quarterback. Cleveland going to overtime yet again, and actually winning this time?

Huh?

This might truly well be the Upside Down.

Kyle went 9-6 last weekend, while I went 12-3. My three point win put me one point in the lead.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

The Empire vs. the Rebel Alliance
Death Star, Galaxy Far, Far Away

Ahem

New England Patriots v. Indianapolis Colts
Gillette Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts

Well, I know I made this joke the last few weeks, but it’s the Pats versus the Colts, it has to be done.

A game that seemed to be a one-sided affair due to the Colts having an available roster of Andrew Luck, Sticky Tape, Cheesestrings and Traffic Cones, due to the biggest injury list this side of the Plague, remained surprisingly competitive for a large part of the game. Mainly due to Andrew Luck’s heroics.

Seriously, this is what the Colts were missing:

Left Tackle 1, Right Tackle 1, Running Back 1, Tight End 1, Wide Receiver 1, Cornerback 1, Cornerback 2, Outside Linebacker 1, Middle Linebacker 1, Strong Safety 1, and several other Cornerbacks, Defensive Tackles etc. Eight starters, and four got injured during the game, having to miss the rest of the game.

Jesus fucking wept.

It was 21-3 at the half and shortly afterwards, I was seen heading towards the mountains, some seventy kilometres away. However, Andrew Luck ended all questions about his arm strength by keeping this one close and even giving us a slight amount of hope by getting it down to a seven point, one score game. However, turnovers and fumbles at the worst possible time were the killer, if injury was not already.

To sum up this game, here’s the highlights of my Twitter timeline @stvstheworld on Friday morning:

1.20am: “Right. LET'S FUCKING GO INDIANAPOLIS”
1.37am: “This game's over already.”

1.46am: “Pretty sure the Colts need snookers”
1.56am: “Ell oh ell @ us having hope there”
2.14am: “Points on the board I guess”
2.20am: “Need something here. One drive at a time.”
2.24am: “Colts dropping like characters in Game of Thrones”
2.27am: “There's a Julian Edelman and Tinder joke in this game somewhere” (This is a real thing. Google it.)
2.28am: “Any chance of a turnover?”
2.30am: *Leslie Knope drinking GIF*
2.35am: “This is over.”
2.43am: “21-3 to the Pats and it's not even half time” (Penguin 70km away picture)
2.57am: “My Pats supporting brother has just asked if we have any trick plays lined up. I hate everything right now.” (HI KEITH!)
3.05am: “Announce Dez @Colts”
3.06am: “Weird thing is we've got the Jets, Bills and Raiders next three. Could be 4-4 at the bye.” (I stand by this, by the way)
3.08am: “Just blow the fucking whistle now”
3.13am: “Luck is getting fuck all help tonight.”
3.14am: “(Response to my good friend Jodi): Just didn't stand a chance with the injuries unfortunately”
3.15am: “This game came at the absolute worst possible time for us.”
3.16am: “Field position could be decent here” “That's a beautiful return. MAKE IT FUCKING COUNT”
3.19am: “"ONE PLAY AT A TIME" Fucking love you Andrew”
3.21am; “TOUCHDOWN INDIANAPOLIS”
3.24am: “Patriots inevitably gonna kill any chance with a TD drive here though.”
3.25am: “(To a Pats fan) “Can absolutely guarantee you'll win this game.” (This continued for most the night)
3.30am: “INTERCEPTION”
3.32am: “That's huge for us. MAKE IT FUCKING COUNT”
3.34am: “And that's the game over.”
3.37am: “It's the fucking hope that kills you”
3.38am: “Is it too late to take up drinking?”
3.41am: “CLOWNBALL FROM THE PATRIOTS”
3.42am: “Right LET'S FUCKING DO SOMETHING POSITIVE WITH THIS THIS TIME”
3.43am: “IT'S THE FUCKING GOD DAMN HOPE THAT KILLS YOU”
3.52am: “Can we have one play without someone getting injured?”
3.53am: “TOUCHDOWN INDIANAPOLIS!”
3.54am: “IT IS THE FUCKING HOPE THAT KILLS YOU #Colts

3.56am: “RIP the "Andrew Luck is finished" takes”
3.58am: “I fucking love this man (Andrew Luck) so God damn much (response to FUCK YEAH celebration by Andrew Luck)”
4.02am: “Good try, Indy.”
4.07am: “Seen this film a million times.”
4.12am: “(Response to another Colts fan): Saw it coming. I'm used to heartbreaking losses in Foxborough mate”
4.16am: “This feels like a very different Colts team from the last two or so years.”
4.24am: “Imagine not thinking Andrew Luck is fucking sensational though”
4.27am: “Scoreboard might say different in the end but for a while the Colts made this interesting, despite all of the injuries. Drops killed any remaining hope. Really fucking proud of them tonight none the less. And Andrew Luck is utterly sensational and is going to win a SB one day.”
4.29am: “Genuinely the most positive performance I've seen from a Colts team against the Pats in fucking YEARS.”
4.33am: “Okay, now, Touchdown Indianapolis”
4.43am: “Honestly don't think the Colts are as far away as you'd think. We need some more pieces. But that was impressive considering the circumstances tonight. Proud to support them.”

Yeah, it was a massive rollercoaster. 

This pretty much sums up what it’s like to be a fan of sports, I feel. I don’t generally like quoting myself, but I feel it does give an accurate impression of what I go through as a Colts fan every game, especially a game like this against the Patriots.

Honestly, I probably could’ve done this as a separate article, but I don’t really have the time with Uni and all.

Anyway, decent performance from the Colts, especially considering the injuries, but we’re still a bit away. You can end all questions about Andrew Luck’s arm though.

You can also end all questions about the Patriots’ Empire crumbling. Every time, this happens, and every time they rise up again. They’ve got Edelman back, now have Gordon, and are probably gonna end up representing the AFC in the Super Bowl again, because of course they are.

The Colts go to the MetLife to take on the Jets next week, while the Patriots travel to Missouri to face off against the unbeaten Chiefs.

I’m just glad I didn’t have any bet on this with my brother.

Final Score: Patriots 38, Colts 24.

New York Jets v. Denver Broncos
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

Speaking of the MetLife and the Jets, before the game on Sunday, the home of WrestleMania 35 welcomed Big Show, Bayley and Curt Hawkins. No truth to the rumour that the Jets tried to sign all three to play offensive line, pass rusher and Quarterback, respectively. I mean, Curt Hawkins has a worse record than the Cleveland Brow…Damn it, I can’t even make that joke about the Browns any more, as they’re winning now.

As for the game itself, the Jets turned up and actually played some decent football this week. The week before they play us. Because of course they did. The Broncos allowed 300 yards rushing in this game. Someone made the point on Twitter earlier (and if it was you, please mention this, as I can’t remember who it was), that Bradley Chubb really hasn’t been mentioned at all this season. Having wanted him at the sixth pick in the Draft, this is a bit of a bummer as I thought he’d turn out well. Five games, though.

Sam Darnold threw three touchdowns and one interception. Are we gonna have the case with Darnold where he has good weeks and bad weeks? I guess that’s just the case of being a rookie quarterback, but I hope for his sake that he slides towards the good week factor more. Well, except from next week. Hope he sucks next week. Sorry, Greg.

That is because the Jets welcome the Colts next weekend, while the Broncos face off against the Rams at home.

Welp.

Good luck with that, Denver.

Final Score: Jets 34, Broncos 16.

Detroit Lions v. Green Bay Packers
Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan

Oh, Mason Crosby.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

There’s bad days at the office.

Then there was this abomination.

Five missed kicks. FIVE.

Four field goals and an extra point.

13 points down the drain.

13 points that would have won the Packers the game.

It’s not as easy as that, though. The first miss going in would have meant it was 7-3. The other four were while the Packers were chasing the game. The Packers were down early, and kept stalling, and Crosby kept missing.

A truly bad day at the office.

Meanwhile, a good result for the Lions to take them to 4-13 against Aaron Rodgers, but more importantly for them, to take them to 2-3 on the season.

The Lions are on bye next weekend. Meanwhile, the Packers welcome the Niners on Monday Night Football.

Pretty sure I just saw a football fly through my window…

Final Score: Lions 31, Packers 23.

Carolina Panthers v. New York Giants
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina

The battle between my Go For It On Fourth co-host Kyle’s Giants, and occasional contributor and Gentleman’s League former Champion Dave’s Panthers.

And it ended in wild fashion, as Panthers v. Giants often does.

Tragically, this fixture no longer renews the rivalry of Josh Norman vs. Odell Beckham Jr, so Odell had to do something else to make up for the absence of that.

How about…throwing a passing touchdown?

Odell Beckham threw a passing touchdown to Saquon Barkley.

You read that right.

He threw a passing touchdown before he caught a touchdown this season. I mean, it was the same game, but still.

It was a close and competitive game, that ended in three lead changes. First off, a field goal from Gano to send the Panthers into the lead, then an Eli Manning drive where he finally looked like good Eli Manning again, leading to a touchdown pass that nearly injured Barkley. And finally, a Graham Gano 63 yard thunderbastard of a field goal. All in the final 2:43.

This may well be the best sport in the world.

The Panthers head to Washington D.C.* to take on the Washington D.C. Football team**, while the Giants face off against the Eagles in what will be a huge Thursday Night game that both teams need to win.

*Landover, Maryland.
**Name Redacted

Gonna be a fun one.

Final Score: Panthers 33, Giants 31.

Buffalo Bills v. Ten Fucking Titans
Ralph Wilson Stadium, Buffalo, New York, no I am not calling it New Era Field it sounds stupid

Thanks to my pal and my favourite Titans fan Keira @HavingChips4Tea, I’ll never call them anything else beyond that now.

Anyway, Marcus Mariota has an arm again. But, this game was a whole load of not a lot happening.

The Buffalo Bills won? I guess that’s a thing that’s happening again, now. This season is weird.

You expect the Ten Titans to beat the Bills here comfortably, but Mariota didn’t really show up, the Titans team didn’t show up, and the Bills won a bit of a snoozer. However, the final drive that Josh Allen led to win the game with a field goal was kinda exciting, I guess?

Bills fans aren’t allowed to put themselves through tables, any more apparently.

Is it evident I didn’t see a lot of this game? As the Colts had already played, I watched RedZone until I went out for my friend’s birthday. It did not appear on RedZone much.

The Bills go to Houston next weekend, while the Ten Fucking Titans take on the Baltimore Ravens.

Man, this is getting harder and harder to tell who is actually good in this league.

Bizarre, bizarre season.

Final Score: Bills 13, Titans 12.

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Atlanta Falcons
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania

The good Steelers have returned!

Antonio Brown is back with an impressive two-touchdown performance. Juju Smith-Schuster is getting touchdowns and fantasy points for me yet again. Big Ben looks like the Big Ben who won two Super Bowls with three touchdowns, 250 yards, and 1 INT. Le’Veon Bell…is still in Miami. And probably gonna return in Week 7, apparently, according to sources*. So James Conner continues in that role for now.

*Twitter

What’s happening in Atlanta this season? Julio Jones has still not scored a touchdown this year. The Falcons have an injury list almost as long as, if not longer than, the Colts. There’s been some brief flashes from the offence, but that’s really been about it for them this year. Man, this is the longest Super Bowl hangover I’ve ever seen. Over a year since 28-3 (sorry Atlanta, until you eventually win one, it’s what you’ll be known for), and they do not currently look anything close to a playoff team. Maybe that’ll pick up when the injuries start healing up. For now, it’s been a rough one for the Falcons.

The Steelers go to Cincinnati to face the Bengals with the hopes of finally putting a winning streak together to get their season on track. The Falcons get the Buccaneers at home to try and salvage the wreckage of their season so far.

Wait, hang on…

The Falcons are hosting the Super Bowl this year, aren’t they?

Damn it.

Curse of the Super Bowl hosts strikes again.

Final Score: Steelers 41, Falcons 17.

Cleveland Browns v. Baltimore Ravens
FirstEnergy Stadium, Home of the Cleveland Browns and the Cleveland Browns’ Possum, Cleveland, Ohio

Just giving its new official new name.

The Browns won their first game in a year and nine months when they beat the Jets on Thursday Night Football.

A possum was found in the stands during the game.

This week, someone brought a possum to the game.

And the Browns won again.

It’s gonna be a thing, guys.

Just bring a possum to every single game, and you’ll win the fucking Super Bowl.

Meanwhile, the Ravens struggled offensively and defensively as Baker Mayfield did shine in this game, despite not throwing any touchdown passes. He still looked quite good.

It went to overtime, and the Browns accepted their inevitable overtime defeat…

And then they won.

This is like England winning a penalty shootout in the World Cup this year, isn’t it?

It finally happened.

It’s coming home.

The Browns welcome the Los Angeles Chargers next weekend, and the Ravens travel to Tennessee to take on the Titans.

The Browns are .500.

After five games.

I didn’t even know that was possible.

The most Cleveland thing ever.

Final Score: Browns 12, Ravens 9 (overtime)

Cincinnati Bengals v. Miami Dolphins
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio

The Shoe-In of the Week beat the Lock of the Week.

Well, when you’re right 52% of the time, you’re wrong 48% of the time.

At least it wasn’t by the Gamble-Tron 2000’s 200 points.

Andy Dalton went Andy LOLton early, throwing an interception, before Ryan Tannehill topped him and went full LOLphins by throwing two.

I promise you that’s the only time I’ll combine those jokes this season.

The Bengals seem to be making their case for the shithousing team of the season so far, winning games by any means necessary, pulling off late magic against the Colts (yup, still bitter about this one), the Ravens and the Falcons, and now doing it again against the Dolphins. They were being booed off the field, being 17-0 down in the third quarter, then put up 27 unanswered points to win the game.

Remember when the Dolphins were talking about needing respect?

What the hell, Miami?

The Bengals welcome the Steelers in an AFC North clash where they can put in a claim to owning the division this season, while the Dolphins look to rebound against the Bears, fresh off the bye.

Seriously, 27 unanswered points when 17-0 up in the third quarter?

Just..how?

Final Score: Bengals 27, Dolphins 17.

Kansas City Chiefs v. Jacksonville Jaguars
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri

The NFL’s best offence so far this season faced off against the NFL’s best defence so far this season.

And the NFL’s best offence so far this season gave the NFL’s best defence so far this season an absolute leathering.

Patrick Mahomes IS human, as he threw his first interception of the season. He also threw his second interception of the season. And went his first game without throwing a touchdown pass.

And his team still won by 16 points, putting up 30.

The Chiefs offence is scary, scary good.

Leonard Fournette is still out through injury, the Jaguars have no real running game without him, so they had to rely on Blake Bortles being good Blake Bortles.

Blake Bortles was not good Blake Bortles in this game.

The Jaguars lost by 16 points.

They head to Dallas for a meeting with the Cowboys next weekend, while the Chiefs welcome the New England Patriots to Arrowhead.

If the Chiefs can beat the Patriots, they HAVE to be the favourites for the AFC this season.

Well, until they inevitably go full Reid in the playoffs and crash out in the Wildcard Round.

As life is cruel that way.

Final Score: Chiefs 30, Jaguars 14.

DISCLAIMER FOR THE LATE GAMES:

I was at my friend Rita’s birthday, so I missed the late games this week. I’m relying on what Twitter told me, a brief look at the highlights and fantasy scorelines to get me through these games.

Okay, let’s go.

San Diego Chargers v. Los Angeles Raiders
StubHub Center, Carson, Los Angeles, California

Okay…this isn’t a Raiders home game…fine

The current Los Angeles Chargers v. the soon to be Las Vegas Raiders

StubHub Center, Carson, Los Angeles, California

That better?

Fine…I’ll do it for real

Los Angeles Chargers v. Oakland Raiders
StubHub Center, Carson, Los Angeles, California

Happy now?

Okay.

The Chargers welcomed the Raiders to Los Angeles, where the Los Angeles fans wanted the Raiders to beat the Chargers. Most of the stadium were in the silver and black. The Chargers practiced pumping fake crowd noise into their practices to prepare for how loud the fans would be against them.

The Chargers were at home this weekend.

The NFL Banter Season continues in fine form.

However, the Chargers are the much better football team right now on the field, and utterly battered the Raiders.

Melvin Gordon is fantasy gold, and I absolutely love him. So much.

Jon Gruden’s coaching methods are a bit out of date.

Jon Gruden traded Khalil Mack.

The Chargers head to Cleveland to face off against the Browns next weekend, while the Raiders are at the new Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to face the Seahawks…

…What do you mean Tottenham’s ground isn’t ready?

Surely it had to be?

Okay, the Raiders are at WEMBLEY to face the Seahawks in the first of the London games this season.

And may the wandering Tottenham Hotspur soon one day find a home. It’s appropriate that the Raiders were supposed to be hosting a game at their stadium with their own stadium problems. I mean, the Raiders are moving to Vegas in 2020. They have no solid plans for a 2019 stadium as of yet.

Maybe Tottenham and the Raiders can ground share Wembley next season?

Final Score: Chargers 26, Raiders 10

NFC Championship Rematch:
Super Bowl Champion and reigning NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles v. Minnesota Vikings
Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, Pennslyvania

Sorry, Vikings fans.

Just getting the Eagles Super Bowl references in while I can.

The Champs are struggling this season and looked a bit of a mess in this NFC Title game rematch. The Eagles are getting off to slow starts and are getting in their own way with penalties this season. They’ve struggled to match anything close to their form last year. 91 yards of total offence in the first half. A Carson Wentz fumble that was returned for 64 yards. Just a dreadful performance in this game.

The Vikings meanwhile, to give them their credit, bounced back from the last two weeks to get a small measure of revenge over the Eagles for denying them the chance to be the first team to ever host the Super Bowl in their own stadium. Kirk Cousins delivered under pressure. Cousins’ highlight was hitting Adam Thielen for 64 yards on his own 5 yard line under pressure. A much needed performance from Kirk…which only got me 14.14 fantasy points, eight less than I would have had starting Andrew Luck. Not that I’m bitter. Well done on the win, Kirk.

The Vikings get a chance to put together a winning streak again by facing the Cardinals at home, while the Eagles take on the Giants in a huge Thursday Night Football game that both teams need to win.

It’s anything but sunny in Philadelphia right now.

Final Score: Eagles 21, Vikings 23.

Seattle Seahawks v. Los Angeles Rams
CenturyLink Field, Seattle, Washington

I’ll be honest with you, I accidentally typed in “Qwest Field, Seattle, Washington” on my first draft of this. That implies that I have more than one draft of these reviews. I’m completely professional and put several different drafts togeth…I can’t even say that with a straight face. I just type what comes to mind and hope it’s funny and informative.

It’s the first time I’ve typed Seattle’s ground in this season as they were away weeks 1,2 and 4 and I missed week 3.

The Hawks welcomed the unbeaten Rams in a game that’s traditionally been a defensive battle. However, with the Legion of Boom gone, and the Rams strong on both sides of the ball now, this was more of an offensive showing.

The Seahawks took the lead early, however were pegged back quickly by the Rams and Todd Gurley.

Todd Gurley scored three touchdowns in this game.

Todd Gurley is on my opponent this week’s fantasy team.

For fuck’s sake.

He also has Goff, but Goff’s points were kept in check as Gurley scored most of the touchdowns.

The Rams took the lead late in the game, and at 33-31 up, decided to go for it on fourth to secure the game.

And got it.

Jared Goff snuck it over the first down marker to secure the win for the Rams.

A move not unlike Frank Reich last week, however, this time it paid off, and was slightly less risky. But Reich was playing to win not tie, where as the Rams were defending a small lead that would have given the Seahawks similar field position to the Texans. Very similar, slightly different. Still, both gutsy calls that I agreed with.

History’s written by the winning team, I guess.

The Rams go to Denver to face the Broncos next weekend, while the Seahawks head to London to take on the Raiders in the first of the Wembley games.

Rams and Chiefs are the two unbeaten teams. They meet in a few weeks in Mexico.

Hope they’re both unbeaten by then.

Final Score: Seahawks 31, Rams 33.

San Francisco 49ers v. Arizona Cardinals
Levi’s Stadium, Santa Clara, California

Well, it’s official.

There will be no 0-16 team this season.

A tragic loss for all of us who love utterly shite football.

The Cardinals became the final team to win a game this season, as they beat the Jimmy Garoppolo less 49ers.

Josh Rosen started his second NFL game, going 170 yards and a touchdown, no interception. Acceptable for his second start.

The Niners lost Matt Breida during this game. Jimmy G is done for the season.

Beathard was stripped of the ball twice by the Cardinals, and threw two interceptions. The second strip by Chandler Jones was taken to the house and sealed the game.

Both of these teams have away games at NFC North teams next weekend, as The Niners take on the Packers on Monday Night Football, and the Cardinals head to the Vikings.

Hope they don’t borrow the Bills’ travel plans.

Final Score: 49ers 18, Cardinals 28.

Dallas Cowboys v. Houston Texans
JerryWorld, AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas

The Texas Derby between the Cowboys and the Texans was a game I was planning to watch, but I ended up going to bed as I was absolutely shattered after my mate’s birthday party.

I’m kinda glad I did.

It was a pretty awful game, being honest with you. It wasn’t enjoyable at all. Prescott looked pretty awful. Really awful, in fact.

The Texans weren’t that much better.

Apart from DeAndre Hopkins, who was sensational.

On my opponent’s fantasy team.

FFS.

This game went to overtime, and America was not chuffed.

Similar to Reich and McVay, but more similar to Reich, the Cowboys faced 4^th and 1 on their own 42 in overtime.

Unlike Reich, Garrett chose to punt.

Like Reich, Garrett lost to the Texans.

However, not just saying this as a Colts fan, I would always want to go for the win and lose, rather than accepting the tie.

And still losing.

The Cowboys face the Jaguars at home next weekend, while the Texans take on the Bills at home.

Odds on Garrett still being here next season?

Wouldn’t bet on it.

Final Score: Cowboys 16, Texans 19 (overtime)

New Orleans Saints v. Washington D.C. Football Team
Mercedes Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

The Saints are doing absolute bits so far this season.

Mark Ingram returned and completely ruined the evening of anyone who has Alvin Kamara in fantasy, running in two scores and taking the bulk of Kamara’s work.

Drew Brees entered the history book, getting more than the 201 yards required to become the all-time passing yards leader.

And then the NFL flagged him for over-celebrating this achievement.

Absolute peak 2018 NFL.

The Saints absolutely leathered the Washingtons and pulled their starters mid-way through the game, ruining the evenings of almost everyone who has a Saint in their fantasy team. I would say including me, but fortunately Michael Thomas and Will Lutz (and Adrian Peterson on the other side) did enough to get me over the line.

My opponent has Kamara.

(Sorry Josh!)

New Orleans enters their bye week on some form, having learned how to defend and having one of the most potent offences in the league. Washington meanwhile head back home next weekend for a game with the Carolina Panthers.

43-19, complete blowout. Glad I didn’t stay up to watch this one.

On the plus side, RAW was apparently good this week.

Final Score: Saints 43, Washingtons 19.

And that’ll do it for this week. I’m 5-0 in my main fantasy league, so happy days on that front. The Colts are 1-4, so less happy days, but if we can rattle off three wins in three weeks, we’ll be 4-4 going into the bye.

Here’s hoping.

I’m rushing to finish this before my laptop battery dies, and my charger is at home. Welp.

Kyle and myself both went 9-6 this week, so after my three point victory in week four, that puts me on 34-27-2, and Kyle on 33-28-2. It’s still very close.

Video picks should be back to normal on Wednesday, probably around 1pm.

Until then,

Go Colts.