Go For It On Fourth NFL Week 4 Review By Stuart Tomli

And we’re back.

After a week off for me due to Uni work piling up on me a bit, I’ve found a bit of time to write again, so here we are.

I missed a bit of a crazy week last week where the Cleveland Browns actually won a game of football, the Lions leathering the Patriots on Sunday Night Football, and the previously win-free Bills going to Minnesota and battering the Vikings.

This week, we’re back to more of a normal approach, with the Patriots battering the Dolphins, the Browns finding a way to completely bottle a game in hilarious fashion, and…Mitchell…Trubisky…throwing six touchdown passes.

Wait, wha?

Let’s get on with the week.

Los Angeles Rams v. Minnesota Vikings
LA Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles, California

This game was being promoted last week as a potential NFC Championship bout. During these adverts, the Vikings were losing 27-0 to the Buffalo Bills.

Okay, then.

This game went as expected, with both teams providing an offensive shoot-out and points galore. Jared Goff threw 5 touchdown passes. Kirk Cousins threw 3. Cooper Kupp scored two touchdown passes, providing a bunch of fantasy points and ridiculous puns surrounding his name. You probably know where I’m going with that. Just…just don’t Google it. 

Trust me.

The Rams pulled out the win and are still undefeated. They’re gonna take some beating in the NFC this season. The Vikings, after a strong start, need to get themselves going again. They have a big NFC Championship rematch with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles to come. The Rams meanwhile go to Seattle next week.

Final Score: Rams 38, Vikings 31.

Indianapolis Colts v. Houston Texans
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana

God damn it, Indy.

You find new and interesting ways to break my damn heart.

Having been pretty terrible for most of the game offensively, the Colts finally decided to put it together and Andrew Luck remembered he is in fact Andrew Luck, throwing four touchdown passes, and a career-high 464 yards. Are we still asking questions about his arm strength? No? Good. Frank Reich had him throw a Hail Mary at one point, just generally as a “Fuck You” to anyone who doubted him after being pulled for last week’s Hail Mary. Ah man, are the Colts just gonna attempt a Hail Mary for the rest of the season?

We gave up a ridiculous touchdown when Ryan Kelly snapped the ball to no one. Jadeveon Clowney is a ridiculously scary man. So is JJ Watt.

However, while I was moving from Bridge Street to the Bobbin, and still watching the game in the centre of Aberdeen on my tablet, the Colts put together a comeback, having been down 11 points at the start of the 4^th Quarter, to force overtime.

We took the lead in overtime, after Vinatieri, who broke the all-time Field Goal record, kicked us into the lead. However, they got one back, forcing us to have another drive.

On 4^th and 4, we went for it. It was 100% the right decision. Rather go for It, trying to win, and lose, than accept the draw, and fail to even try to win.

We didn’t get it.

The Texans got the field goal to win the game in the final three seconds of overtime.

This one fucking hurts.

Love the ambition, Luck is back to his best, and we have the makings of a team to contend in the future – probably even next season.

This one still fucking hurts.

Texans go to the Cowboys for the Texas Derby on Sunday Night Football. Meanwhile, the Colts head to the Death Star to face the Pats. Without TY Hilton, most likely.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Final Score: Colts 34, Texans 37 (overtime)

Green Bay Packers v. Buffalo Bills
Lambeau Field, Green Bay, Wisconsin

Ah, Buffalo. After a week of defying the odds, and flying into Wisconsin when you should have been going to Minnesota, at least according to Twitter, you flew the W over Minnesota into Wisconsin, again according to your Twitter account.

And then you returned to being the Buffalo Bills we all know and love.

Complete and utter pish.

The Packers didn’t even really need to turn up for the second half, and didn’t really, only putting in two field goals in the last two quarters, pretty much to help to try to fulfil my mate’s bet of points being scored in every quarter of every single game. They shut you out in the entire game.

This was a bit of a shit-show. Josh Allen looked like a rookie this week. Aaron Rodgers wasn’t overally impressive, but he did enough.

Green Bay head to Detroit next week, while the Bills don’t actually have to fly anywhere this week, as they welcome the Titans. 

Final Score: Packers 22, Bills 0.

Chicago Bears v. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Soldier Field, Chicago, Illinois

A game that was being billed as a battle of two surprise packages, turned into a bit of a surprise.

It was all going so well for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers…until the game started, and the Chicago Bears turned up and started playing football against them.

Mitchell Trubisky threw six touchdowns.

Mitchell Trubisky.

SIX TOUCHDOWNS.

FIVE OF THEM WERE IN THE FIRST HALF.

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TAMPA?

FitzMagic’s reign of back-up terror is over, as he was benched at half-time for the returning Jameis Winston. The Ryan Fitzpatrick Cycle has gone full circle. Well, almost. Tampa didn’t even have to pay him before he started sucking again.

Dirk Koetter called for every single member of his team to be fired. Including himself.

Mitchell Trubisky, though? What a day for him. There’s a scene in the show New Girl (set in Chicago) where there’s a flash-forward with Nick and Jess’s son and dog are wearing Trubisky jerseys. This is set four or five years in the future.

Based on this performance, Trubisky could very well live up to be that franchise quarterback Chicago has needed for so long, as predicted by New Girl.

The Bears are on bye next week, so I’m gonna have to stream a fantasy football defence for a week. The Buccaneers are also on bye. Wow, this whole “who these two teams are playing next week” is pointless here, isn’t it?

Seth Rollins loves football.

Final Score: Bears 48, Buccaneers 10.

New England Patriots v. Miami Dolphins
The Gillette Death Star, A Galaxy Far, Far Away, also known as Foxborough, Massachusetts

Ah, I see the “Patriots are done” takes have come in early this year.

“The Patriots are finished! Tom Brady is done! The Empire is crumbling!”

Every. Single. God. Damn. Year.

And then they come back and give a poor unfortunate team an absolute shellacking, because of course they do.

This week’s unfortunate victim of that were the previously unbeaten Miami Dolphins, who will not be living up to their 1972 counterparts and going unbeaten and lifting the Lombardi Trophy. Well, they might do the latter yet, it’s too early to rule them out.

Based on this, you can probably rule them out.

CC: @OldTakesExposed

The Dolphins went to Foxborough and got an absolute kicking. Water is indeed wet.

The Pats had almost 300 yards more than the Dolphins in this game. They are very much not dead yet. They’ll probably get back to the Super Bowl again, because of course they will. And now they have Edelman coming back.

Who have they got Thursday?

Ah yeah, right.

Fuck.

The Pats welcome the Colts in the Tomlin Derby (my brother supports the Pats) on Thursday Night, while the Dolphins head to Cincinnati on Sunday.

Any chance the Pats can go back to their form from weeks 1-3?

Asking for a mate.

Final Score: Patriots 38, Dolphins 7.

Dallas Cowboys v. Detroit Lions
AT&T Stadium, Arlington, Texas

This is admittedly one of those games I looked at the schedule for this week and went, “Meh!”

But it turned into a decent game, as it turned out.

The Lions very much Detroit Lioned the game and bottled it with stupid penalties, making mistake after mistake that cost them the game. They’re very relatable in that way. They had eight penalties to the Cowboys’ two. They blew a big day from Stafford (24/30, 307 yards, 2 passing TDs), because of course they did. Are the Lions the NFC answer to the Colts? Potentially.

Ezekiel Elliot was phenomenal, rushing for 152 yards and adding on another 88 receiving yards, and catching the game winning touchdown for 34 yards. I know this stat exactly because he gave my fantasy opponent 30.00 points. Of all the times to pick to have a dominant game, this was it. Cheers, Zeke.

The Cowboys welcome the Texans in the Texas derby next Sunday Night Football (ohhh Sunday Night…wait, they changed that. Shame. I liked that song.) and the Lions welcome the Packers in an NFC North showdown.

Final Score: Cowboys 26, Lions 24.

Atlanta Falcons v. Cincinnati Bengals
Mercedes Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia

I said in my picks video that this was going to be a shootout, simply because of the fact my fantasy opponent had three players (Matt Ryan, Julio Jones and AJ Green) playing in this game.

And of course, I was right.

Because of course I was.

Ah man, why do I always get predictions I want to be wrong, right?

Anyway (that’s one for the quota Borys if you’re reading), the first half was absolutely fantastic, with both teams combining for 52 points, giving the Bengals a narrow 28-24 lead. The second half saw the defences come into it more, before Andy Dalton threw the winning touchdown to AJ Green with just seven seconds remaining. An absolute belter of a game.

Matt Ryan had 419 yards (ah man, what is it with quarterbacks losing despite having incredible games this week?). He got a ton of fantasy points. As did AJ. As did Julio. Yep. Of course.

The Bengals seem to be very much coming into their own in this early part of the season, it’s looking quite good for them so far. The Falcons meanwhile are very hit and miss so far this season.

The Bengals welcome the Dolphins next weekend, which probably makes them the Shoe-in of the Week, with according to the Gamble-Tron 2000, will see Cincinnati winning by 200 hundred points? Why you worthless hunk of junk…meanwhile Atlanta go to the Steelers in a battle of two franchises who very much cannot get out of their own way. Who can’t get out of their own way more? It’s an exciting time to find out.

Andy Dalton seems to be doing well this season. No wonder he was the Buffalo Bills MVP last season.

Final Score: Falcons 36, Bengals 37.

Jacksonville Jaguars v. New York Jets
Everbank Field, Jacksonville, Florida

Speaking of teams who have gone back to the pish we all know and love, THE NEW YORK JETS.

The Jets’ performance in Week 1 seems to have been a bit of a mirage, you know, when you’re in the desert and need a drink, as is a usual situation to be in, and you see water and then it disappears because you just imagined it? That has been the New York Jets in Weeks 2-4.

I wanted to use a situation we could all relate to, I mean, who hasn’t been in that situation in the last few weeks?

Anyway (another one for the quota), the Jaguars seem to be back to the dominant defence that they were once upon a time. And by once a upon a time, I mean, last season.

Blake Bortles seems to be doing enough to pick up wins for the Jags.

In an absolute move of sensational piss-boiling, the Jaguars, up 25-12, got the ball back with 4:22 left, marched down the field, called a timeout on the 1 with 27 seconds remaining, then ran the ball in for a touchdown.

However, they then ramped up the piss-boiling to eleven.

They went for two.

Because they could.

I’m a huge fan of that approach, not gonna lie.

The Jaguars have a huge test next weekend as they go to the Kansas City Chiefs, while the Jets welcome the Broncos.

Final Score: Jaguars 31, Jets 12.

Tennessee Titans v. Philadelphia Eagles
LP Field, Nashville, Tennessee

The TEN Fucking Titans (© Keira Tucker, 2018) welcomed the Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles to Nashville.

I’m using the phrase Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles as much as I can right now because the way they’re going, I won’t be able to for the next year or so.

Not that that puts me up nor down, to be honest. I like the Eagles, but I don’t support them. Still pissed at them for last week.

The Titans got the win due to Mariota driving them down the field in overtime to beat the reigning Champs. They had to face three fourth downs to get there, and the Eagles defence couldn’t stop the Titans on any of them.

You do that, you’re not gonna win a game.

Carson Wentz is starting to get his match-fitness back but his defence let him down big-time this week.

Not to take away from the Titans. They had Yo Gabbert Gabbert in last week and still picked up a win over the Jags, because the Jaguars just lose to Blaine Gabbert. It’s just what happens. It’s inexplicable.

The Titans go to the Bills next weekend, while the Champs face a NFC Championship rematch against the Vikings. This time though, instead of Nick Foles versus Case Keenum, we’re getting Carson Wentz versus Kirk Cousins.

Could you imagine if that had been last season’s NFC Championship?

Final Score: Titans 26, Eagles 23 (overtime).

Oakland Raiders v. Cleveland Browns
That Baseball Stadium I Have To Google Every Raiders Home Game, Oakland, California

Oh Cleveland.

After your big majestic win over the Jets last Thursday night, you returned to finding new and increasingly hilarious ways to lose a game.

This time, it was a controversially overturned first down run by Carlos Hyde in overtime which allowed the Raiders to hand Jon Gruden his first win in the NFL since the 2008 season.

Had it not been reversed, the Browns would have iced the game and won it.

The Browns also forced a controversial fumble that got overturned as the play was apparently dead.

They took the lead late in the game, and then allowed the Raiders to tie it up again.

Cleveland looks for its second win next week against the Ravens. Bridge Street in Aberdeen is having a “Browns Day” to celebrate their first win against the Jets this week. Meanwhile, the Raiders and Jon Gruden also look for their second win, as they head to Los Angeles, their spiritual home, to face the Chargers in a stadium that will probably be 95% Raiders fans.

Oh Browns. This one was probably not on you, but still.

New and increasingly hilarious ways to lose a game, once again.

Never change, lads.

Oh, on a final note, I met a new fan to the NFL on Sunday who has chosen his team recently.

He’s picked the Cleveland Browns.

…poor bastard.

Final Score: Raiders 45, Browns 42. (overtime).

Arizona Cardinals v. Seattle Seahawks
University of Phoenix Stadium, Glenda..

AHEM AHEM (sponsor rights, sponsor rights!)

…okay, fine

Arizona Cardinals v. Seattle Seahawks
STATE FARM Stadium, Glendale, Arizona

Pretty sure Earl Thomas just flipped me off, writing that.

He’s out for the season with a fractured lower leg.

See you in Dallas, Earl!

(get well soon)

Meanwhile, the Cardinals had Sam Bradford inactive as the number three quarterback. How much are they paying him again? At least $15 million, huh? Welp.

And now he’s sitting behind Josh Rosen and another man who was once paid $15 million, Mike Glennon.

Wow.

This was not a good game of football. The Seahawks smashed and grabbed the win with a field goal in the last seconds.

A field goal in the last second, huh…FOR FUCK’S SAKE IND…

Ahem, sorry. Force of habit.

Arizona’s kicker Phil Dawson missed a field goal that could have won it for the Cardinals in the last 2 minutes, while Janikowski gave the Seahawks a win they definitely needed.

The Cardinals’ season is a bit of a binfire at this point, and they meet the 49ers. The Seahawks have a massive test at home to the Rams.

When I googled “Cardinals schedule”, it gave me the St. Louis Cardinals’ schedule. Damn it, Arizona, making me work* twice as hard in my research for this review!

*Typing “Arizona Cardinals schedule” not just “Cardinals schedule” into Google

For anyone interested, the St Louis Cardinals finished their season against the Chicago Cub…wait, come back, I’m not done talking about the NFL this week…

Final Score: Cardinals 17, Seahawks 20

New York Giants v. New Orleans Saints
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey

Oh dear, what is happening with the Giants right now?

The offensive line, revamped in the off-season, is a turnstile.

Eli Manning looks like he could be finished. Although, kudos for the tackle on Marshon Lattimore that saved the Giants four points. It meant nothing in the long run, but still, impressive from the 37 year old.

They can’t get Odell Beckham Jr going yet this season.

...at least Saquon Barkley looks like he has potential?

Meanwhile, Drew Brees keeps doing Drew Brees things. Alvin Kamara had himself a day, with three touchdown rushes. Michael Thomas was kept quiet and my fantasy team did not appreciate that fact. But the Saints defence, having given up all of the points so far this season – I’m pretty sure I scored a touchdown against them at one point – limited the Giants to 18 points this time round. They continued the whole “Scoring loads of points” trick this time round, and that obviously means wins when your defence actually shows up and plays football.

The Saints are on Monday this week, up against the Washington D.C. Football Team at home. The Giants travel to the other bye week team this week, the Panthers.

Sorry, Kyle. Hope this season improves for you.

Final Score: Giants 18, Saints 33.

Los Angeles Chargers v. San Francisco 49ers
StubHub Centre, Carson, California

Apparently a couple let the Chargers and Niners decide on Sunday who their unborn child would support. The guy, a Niners fan, and the girl, a Chargers fan, put their kid’s lifelong fandom on the line in this game.

The Niners fan was on a hiding to nothing with this. I mean, betting that when Jimmy G is out? That’s an unfair bet.

And yet, the Niners kept it competitive with CJ Beathard taking an absolute beating and yet keeping the game down to two points. He threw two interceptions, the second of which sealed the game, and gave the Chargers girl the rights to her kid’s fandom.

I hear Colin Kaepernick’s available, San Francisco.

Melvin Gordon is fantasy football gold. I fucking love him.

The Chargers welcome the team that their home city actually wanted in the Raiders next weekend. The 49ers have a potential winnable tie at home to the winless Cardinals.

Man, Los Angeles wanted the Raiders, got the Rams and the Chargers, and the Raiders are heading to Vegas. Tough break.

Final Score: Chargers 29, 49ers 27.

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Baltimore Ravens
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania

Joe Flacco Elite Status: Elite.

Also, Flaco is a type of skinny jeans, which is something I learned yesterday. Thanks to my pal Maria for that.

Anyway, the Steelers and the Ravens renewed their rivalry on Sunday Night Football. Was a good game for most of it, then the Ravens just took control of it towards the end and “Captain Fatfuck” (© UrinatingTree) threw interceptions that cost the Steelers any chance of a comeback.

The Steelers are struggling without Le’Veon Bell. He’s probably getting traded somewhere soon. This is the first time they’ve lost two consecutive home games since 2012.

What’s that like?

Alex Collins is proving to be a hell of a running back for the Ravens. John Brown is having himself a break-through year. The Ravens could be there or there about in the playoff race up against the Bengals.

The Steelers meanwhile, are falling to bits in the AFC North playoff race.

At Least They’re Not the Browns?

The Steelers welcome the Falcons to Heinz Field next weekend. The Ravens are the visiting team on what is going to be known as “Browns Day” in Aberdeen.

Pittsburgh, get your shit together.

Final Score: Steelers 14, Ravens 26

Denver Broncos v. Kansas City Chiefs
Sports Authority Field at Mile High, Denver, Colorado

Huh. That Patrick Mahomes can throw a football, can’t he?

I mean did you see the one he threw in practice? Think that fucker had snow on it.

The Chiefs are 4-0. They could end up going 16-0.

And then go full Reid and lose in the first round of the playoffs.

What a time.

Kareem Hunt got me loads of fantasy points, and helped me win again this week. He’s absolutely boss.

This was Patrick Mahomes’ worst game as the Chiefs starter this season, and he was still fantastic. Mahomes is very much for real. I mean, he threw the game winner with his nondominant left hand FFS.

The Broncos kinda bottled this one. I can sympathise.

The Chiefs head back home to take on the Jaguars in what will be an absolute belter of a game. Meanwhile, the Broncos go to the Jets in a game that will feature WWE Superstars Bayley, Big Show and Curt Hawkins. Do you reckon the Jets will let Hawkins play Quarterback?

Considering his win-loss record, he might be better suited on last season's 0-16 Cleveland Browns.

Who, this year, beat the Jets.

Huh.

This season is weird.

Final Score: Broncos 23, Chiefs 27.

I should explain the “Anyway” quota. Apparently according to my mate Borys, I used that phrase far too much in the first few months, so he put me on a limit per month of how often I can use the phrase in a conversation.

Anyway (that’s the last one for this one), I won in Fantasy this week in my main league to take my team to 4-0. I’m very much enjoying this while it lasts.

IT’S COMING HOME

Sorry.

Ahem.

A very interesting week comes to an end, and we’re back again this week with the trip to the Death Star for Indy.

Half of our roster is out injured.

Welp.

…it’s gonna be…fun?

Until next time,

Go Colts.