NFL Divisional Finals Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour

NFL Week 2 Review:
By Stuart Tomlin

What a great week. And by great, I mean absolutely, horrifying, awful.

I’m not sure if I’m more annoyed at the Colts losing a 13-3 start of the fourth quarter lead, the crippling interception in overtime, Donte Moncrief dropping everything that’s thrown to him including the kitchen sink (not sure why we’re throwing the kitchen sink to him. Especially on that route that he ran.), or the fact that Matthew Stafford needed 16 points to win me my game in fantasy and only got 13. I’ve lost both fantasy games this season by less than five points.

Sometimes I hate this sport, and it hates me.

Alright, let’s get on with this shit show.

Going into the week, I was sitting on 9-6, and Kyle was 8-7. Let’s see how we got on this week in the predictions.

Cincinnati Bengals v. Houston Texans
Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio
Stuart Said: Bengals (0-1)
Kyle Said: Texans (1-0)
Actual Result: Bengals 9-13 Texans

In the preview I described this as “the Thursday Night Football cavalcade of fun” and boy, was I right. A strong contender for the worst NFL game I’ve ever had the misfortune of sitting and watching the entirety of, I decided about midway through the first quarter to embrace this game for the absolute bin fire that it was, and that made my Thursday evening/early Friday morning (delete as timezone applies) a whole lot better. Andy Dalton has forgotten how to throw a touchdown, or anything really, Tyler Eifert has forgotten how to stay in bounds, and DeShaun Watson ran about the length of half the pitch two plays after being annihilated by Geno Atkins. That was about it. When are the Bengals gonna start AJ McCarron?

Carolina Panthers v. Buffalo Bills
Bank of America Stadium, Charlotte, North Carolina
Stuart Said: Panthers (1-1)
Kyle Said: Panthers (2-0)
Actual Result: Panthers 9-3 Bills

The Panthers are 2-0, and that’s the main thing, but this was very much a game of two struggling offences and two very good defences. Neither team’s primary running back, McCaffrey or McCoy were able to get going in this game, neither quarterback, Newton or Taylor, really had any time to throw, and it was a bit of a Death By Field Goals situation. A big worry for Carolina going forward is the loss of Greg Olsen, one of Cam Newton’s favourite receiving options is gonna miss some time. Taylor could have won it on the final play had his throw not been a little bit too high. Win for Carolina, concerns for both going forward.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers v. Chicago Bears
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida
Stuart said: Buccaneers (2-1)
Kyle said: Buccaneers (3-0)
Actual Result: Buccaneers 29-7 Bears

This was nothing short of a stone cold leathering by the Buccaneers in their season debut. We really had nothing to be worried about with them this week. This game was very much over by halftime, with three Glennon turnovers and another on special teams on the goal line in the first half alone. A 26-0 lead at halftime was never gonna be recovered by Chicago, and with Tampa shutting down Chicago’s running play, it was left to Mike Glennon to try and throw the ball. That went quite significantly badly. The calls for Trubisky will probably get louder as the weeks go on. As for Tampa, they could actually surprise quite a few people and contend in the NFC South this year. On a final note, Mike Evans? My fantasy team absolutely loves you. Keep being boss, please.

Pittsburgh Steelers v. Minnesota Vikings
Heinz Field, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Stuart Said: Vikings (WHY) (2-2)
Kyle Said: Steelers (4-0)
Actual Result: Steelers 26-9 Vikings

Okay, I’ll level with you. I made this Vikings pick as my bold pick of the week, and it died with Sam Bradford being ruled out as a game time decision. This game was over as soon as the words “Case Keenum will start at quarterback” were uttered. The Steelers offence was dynamic, diverse, with LeVeon Bell and Antonio Brown being used sparingly as Big Ben threw the ball around quite a significant amount. Martavius Bryant was fantastic and proves he’s a real difference maker when he’s on the field. The Vikings struggled under a backup quarterback, and while Keenum had his moments (the touchdown pass to Diggs was outstanding), the fact is – he’s a backup for a massive reason. The other fact that his offensive line was a turnstile did not help matters. Steelers march on and could be a threat in the AFC this year. Now THERE’s a sentence we’ve uttered before.

Indianapolis Colts v. Arizona Cardinals
Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana
Stuart Said: Colts (2-3)
Kyle Said: Colts (4-1)
Actual Result: Colts 13-16 Cardinals (OT)

Once again, fuck off. 

For a different reason this time, but still.

I have to review this game again, don’t I?

The Colts are making me sad this season. Again.

We were up for three quarters and things were actually looking decent, especially defensively. Jacoby Brissett was game managing the game to a decent degree, although it didn’t help that Donte Moncrief developed stone hands and turned into the second coming of Dwayne Allen. Malik Hooker is an absolute ball hawk and had his first of what will be many, many interceptions, and the Colts developed something of a pass rush with Simon, Sheard and Hairston. The Cardinals were struggling without David Johnson and Carson Palmer playing like 2017 Carson Palmer.

Then it went to absolute shit and we dropped a 13-3 lead, Chuck Pagano got outcoached by Bruce Arians, and it went to overtime because of a missed field goal. By the Cardinals. Just when you think the Colts have gotten ourselves a break, Jacoby Brissett, who had played decently all game, threw a crippling interception, and the Cardinals ended up with a chip shot field goal to win the game and send us to 0-2 for the fourth consecutive year. And I swore several times and decided to go to the pub instead of watching the late games.

When’s Andrew Luck coming back?

New Orleans Saints v. New England Patriots
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana
Stuart Said: Patriots (3-3)
Kyle Said: Patriots (5-1)
Actual Result: Saints 20-36 Patriots

Every single year: “Is Father Time catching up to Tom Brady? Is Tom Brady done?”

Every single year, one week later: “Of fucking course he’s not.”

Tom Brady did Tom Brady like things to the Saints. Tom Brady plays very well when he’s pissed off. The Patriots play very well when they’ve been absolutely leathered the previous week. How have we not learned this by now?

Three touchdowns, 177 yards, 5 for 5 on 3^rd down. In the first quarter.

Unreal, that.

It wasn’t all good for the Pats, as Gronk did his annual tradition of going down injured, and the Pats lost pretty much anyone who can play Wide Receiver throughout this game. The Madden curse is real, folks. The Saints meanwhile, I suppose I need to mention them here, cannot keep up their good offensive play with their absolute tire fire of a defence, and it’s costing them games. It’s been costing them games for years. Good luck when Brees retires.

Baltimore Ravens v. Cleveland Browns
M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, Maryland
Stuart Said: Ravens (4-3)
Kyle Said: Ravens (6-1)
Actual Result: Ravens 24-10 Browns

Once again, the Ravens’ defence is for real. But the funny thing is, their running attack might just well be as well. 157 yards last week, 137 yards this week. Joe Flacco was impressive as well in an extended passing role. If the Ravens can beat the Steelers out for the AFC North, they could take some stopping in the entire conference. It was a step back for DeShone Kizer this week, as he struggled throughout the game, fumbling the ball away and being intercepted before a migraine knocked him out of the game for the third quarter. Have you ever seen a migraine on the injury report? That’s a new one for me. Thankfully he was able to get back in the game but was up and down in form upon his return. I’m refusing to make any Browns jokes right now as they’re in Indianapolis next week, and we all know how that ends up for me.

Kansas City Chiefs v. Philadelphia Eagles
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, Missouri
Stuart Said: Chiefs (5-3)
Kyle Said: Chiefs (7-1)
Actual Result: Chiefs 27-20 Eagles

The Andy Reid bowl did not disappoint, this was one of the better games this week, as I anticipated. The Chiefs look very much for real and that pass rush caused problems for Carson Wentz who once again balanced brilliant quarterback play with terrible interceptions at the wrong moment. He is very much young Andrew Luck. His offensive line being absolutely destroyed by said pass rush did not help matters however. That being said, the Eagles nearly forced overtime with a superb onside kick recovery after a touchdown allowing them an attempt at a final drive. The Eagles look decent and could compete for a wildcard spot, but need to cut out the turnovers to do so. The Chiefs meanwhile are in a similar position to Baltimore – beat out a strong rival in your division, and you could be a real challenge in the conference.

Jacksonville Jaguars v. Tennessee Titans
Everbank Field, Jacksonville, Florida
Stuart Said: Titans (6-3)
Kyle Said: Titans (8-1)
Actual Result: Jaguars 16-37 Titans

Oh Jaguars. This is why you don’t hype yourselves up after one week. In fact, this is why you don’t hype yourselves up at all – let others do the talking for you and do your talking on the field. “Sacksonville” got absolutely blown out by Marcus Mariota and the Titans, and Blake Bortles once again did Blake Bortles things and couldn’t remember how to actually throw a football. That “vaunted Sacksonville defence” managed just one takedown and two quarterback sacks. Let’s bury Sacksonville along with “Do You Know How to Jaguar”, please? The Titans used Derrick Henry over DeMarco Murray in the last two quarters after Murray struggled over the first game and the first two quarters of this game. That’ll be interesting to watch going forward.

Oakland Raiders v. New York Jets
O.co Coliseum, Oakland, California
Stuart said: Raiders (7-3)
Kyle said: Raiders (9-1)
Actual Result: Raiders 45-20 Jets

Both myself and Kyle said that the Raiders would blow out the Jets in this game…and whadda ya know, the Raiders blew out the Jets. Quelle surprise. A broken clock and all that. Anyways, it took longer than expected as the Jets held up against the Raiders for the first half, but then fell to bits in the second half and Derek Carr just passed all over them. A 43-yard run from Patterson pretty much sealed the double digit lead for the Raiders that they never gave up the rest of the afternoon. It was a bit of an absolute beating to be honest. No real surprise. The Raiders are heading upwards and the Jets are heading towards the early picks in the Draft. Carry on as you were.

Los Angeles Chargers v. Miami Dolphins
Stubhub Center, Carson, Los Angeles, California
Stuart Said: Chargers (7-4)
Kyle Said: Chargers (9-2)
Actual Result: Chargers 17-19 Dolphins

Look, I don’t even care that I was wrong picking this game. I quite enjoyed seeing the Chargers lose their Los Angeles home opener. In a half empty stadium. After Melvin Gordon said that Jay Cutler would not cause them any problems. That’s heartwarming for anyone who lives in San Diego. And anyone who likes laughing at Dean Spanos. Which is all of us, really. What the Chargers didn’t leave behind in San Diego is their innate ability to completely blow games in a comical fashion. This time, a missed field goal in the final seconds giving the game to Miami. Jay Ajayi is still incredible and with the embarrassment of riches the Dolphins have at wide receiver…Jay Cutler did not actually throw an interception. Miracles will never cease.

Denver Broncos v. Dallas Cowboys
Sports Authority Field at Mile High, Denver, Colorado
Stuart Said: Cowboys (7-5)
Kyle Said: Cowboys (9-3)
Actual Result: Broncos 42-17 Cowboys

The Bronco bucked the Cowboy off then danced all over his fallen body. Or some sort of metaphor like that. Yeah, this was another beatdown this week. Didn’t see this one coming, to be fair. Siemian is looking pretty competent so far this season, and the Broncos’ defence is still proving why it’s one of the best in the game. It is telling that Ezekiel Elliott started his suspension this week leaving Dak to…wait, Elliott was playing? Are you sure? He did pretty much nothing and the hot takes that Prescott can’t carry the load by himself are incoming. A bit early for that but it was not a good day for Dallas. It’s telling that this was Elliott’s worse game by a distance (8 yards rushing beating his previous worst of FIFTY ONE) and Prescott facing his biggest deficit ever. It did not end well for Dallas. They’ll probably be fine but they need to shake this off quickly. The Broncos might muster a challenge in the AFC West against the Raiders and Chiefs. Wow, this is a tough division to play in.

Seattle Seahawks v. San Francisco 49ers
CenturyLink Field, Seattle, Washington
Stuart Said: Seahawks (8-5)
Kyle Said: Seahawks (10-3)
Actual Result: Seahawks 12-9 49ers

Hello? Seattle? You gonna do something offensively? For a while it looked like the Seahawks offence was gonna go a second game without a touchdown, but Russell Wilson finally stepped up when it mattered and pulled it off. However before that, a stalled running game with Eddie Lacy being a healthy scratch and more offensive line injuries and troubles have been a nightmare for Seattle’s offence. Chris Carson was impressive and is probably the future for Seattle at running back – will he be the RB that they have needed to replace Lynch? Time will tell. Speaking of teams that haven’t had a touchdown yet this season, Kyle Shanahan’s Niners have yet to find paydirt – while I loved Shanahan’s Falcons offence – this Niners team is very, very much not that. It is going to take a lot of time and effort to improve this team, especially offensively, and it showed in this game. Announce Kirk Cousins @49ers. One final note on this game, this game sealed my winning bet of £122.26 off a £10, and meant no Betting Bastards of the Week so I have a soft spot for it this week. Gamble responsibly, kids.

Los Angeles Rams v. Washington Redskins
L.A. Memorial Coliseum, Los Angeles, California
Stuart Said: Rams (8-6)
Kyle Said: Rams (10-4)
Actual Result: Rams 20-27 Redskins

Speaking of Kirk Cousins, the Washington offence was impressive against the Rams, sounding more impressive when you consider how good that Rams defence is. The Rams however could not start the run game, and it paid off for the Washingtons. Todd Gurley was impressive and could be a contender for Comeback Player of the Year this year. Jared Goff continued his good start to the season…then threw a crippling interception. That’s more like the Jared Goff we all know and love. The Rams head to Thursday Night Football for a clash with the 49ers this week…more Thursday Night Football cavalcade of fun coming up. The Washingtons meanwhile lost three starters during this game, although Jordan Reed momentarily came back in the fourth quarter. They’ll need everything they can get against the Raiders next week.

Atlanta Falcons v. Green Bay Packers
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia
Stuart Said: Packers (8-7)
Kyle Said: Packers (10-5)
Actual Result: Falcons 34-23 Packers

The Falcons opened their new stadium the same way they closed their old one. By crushing the Packers. This was pretty much a replica of the NFC Championship game last year, except without the confetti and trophy presentation at the end of it. That would be a bit weird to happen two weeks into the season. The Falcons’ running back committee continues to work and prove it’s pretty much the only running back committee to actually be incredibly effective, with Coleman and Freeman combining for 126 yards and two scores. Julio Jones did Julio Jones things once again and gave the Packers’ secondary nightmares for the second time in a row. The Packers lost Jordy Nelson and Mike Daniels, two hugely valuable players on either side of the ball. If both players are out for the long term, the Packers could be in trouble. Aaron Rodgers tried to drag the Packers back into it but it was too much even for him.

New York Giants v. Detroit Lions
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, New Jersey
Stuart Said: Lions (9-7)
Kyle Said: Giants (10-6)
Actual Result: Giants 10-24 Lions

Oh my God. The Lions led into the fourth quarter and actually won a game. I’m not sure guys, this could be a sign of the apocalypse. The Giants have completely forgotten how to defend the ball, and their vaunted 2016 defence has really struggled this year. Meanwhile, their offensive line fell to bits and allowed Eli Manning to get sacked five times. Bad and Good Eli both showed their faces this week, with a crippling interception from bad Eli, and when good Eli came up, his wide receivers let him down with critical drops. On the other side of the field, Matthew Stafford looked impressive despite a fumble that cost me my fantasy game this week. Seriously, you needed 16 points to win me my game. You got 13. God damn it. I’m 0-2. Just like the Colts. God fucking damn it. That was some punt return though that pretty much sealed this game, though. That made this whole game worth it. The Giants are in a hole and the Lions might actually be a threat in the NFC North – that is until the inevitable loss to the Packers on an Aaron Rodgers 93 yard hail mary in the final play of the game. AGAIN.

Week 2 Prediction Results:

Stuart: 9-7
Kyle: 10-6

Prediction Standings as of Week 2:

Stuart: 18-13
Kyle: 18-13

Okay, that’s your lot for this week. What a terrible week of football this was. Can it be better next week please? Predictions incoming tomorrow. Might make a start on that now, actually.

Go my absolute bin fire of a team.

Go Colts.