The 2019-20 Go For It On Fourth NFL Alternative Awards By Stuart Tomlin

It's Super Bowl week. 

And it's awards season.

As the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers prepare for Super Bowl LIV, all other thirty teams are preparing for next season. But all thirty two are in play for the next best thing. 

And I know the NFL hands out their awards like MVP, Rookies of the Year, Comeback Player of the Year and the whole Hall of Fame lark for example, but we all know what the teams really want. 

That's right, it's time for the most prestigious awards of any awards out there: the 2nd Annual Go For It On Fourth Alternative Awards! 

Well…we're maybe 2nd after the MTV Movie Awards. It's hard to match an Awards Ceremony that honoured Twilight that many times. 

That and the Golden Raspberry Awards

Ah man, have we slipped to third? 

Maybe next year. 

Side note: Antonio Brown's been disqualified from this. It's just too sad at this point. Hope he gets the help he really needs.

Anyway, shall we begin with the first award? 

The Pepsi Halftime Show of the Year Award:

The Philadelphia Eagles

During the halftime of the Eagles' opening game at home to Washington, the team were struggling. The team, the fans and the entire stadium were needing a lift. 

What they got…was a painter painting an Eagle on the field of play. 

"Fans had no reaction to this performance"

It clearly worked however, as the Eagles went on to win 32-27.

Over to you, J-Lo and Shakira...Top that!

The "Hey, wuu2" Award for Shooting Your Shot:

A Cleveland Browns fan on Twitter

Ah, the NFL Draft, that most romantic of places. Well, one Cleveland Browns fan thought so, when he met another Browns fan, and had a great connection with her, taking a photo with her. However his phone died and he asked Twitter to bring them back together. 

Unfortunately for the young Casanova, the Browns fan he was trying to connect with was married. And trying to find her way back to her husband after using the bathroom when he asked for the photo. 

Ach well. There's always Tinder? 

Just ask Julian Edelman… 

Tactical Play of the Year:

Bruce Arians

For deliberately taking a delay of game penalty so his kicker, Matt Gay, would have a longer distance, because apparently Gay was better from a longer distance. 

You know what happened next. 

He missed, and the Buccaneers lost the game. 

Of course they did. 

Tactician of the Year:

Bill O'Brien

For somehow managing to blow a 24 point lead in the playoffs against the Kansas City Chiefs. 

Within one quarter. 

Congratulations Texans, you managed to top your Playoff run ending in 11 seconds in terms of hilariously bad Playoff defeats. And your stadium has still been to two more Super Bowls than you have. 

Please extend this man for another ten years. Sincerely, the rest of the AFC South. 

Runner-up: Sean Payton's butcher for questioning him on a failed 2 point play. Payton simply told him to "worry about your frickin' meat."

The Dundee United "When Seasons Collapse" Award:

The Indianapolis Colts

First off, this is probably an archaic title as United have been bossing it this year. 

Secondly…unfortunately this goes to us this year. 

Our season was pretty much Dead on Arrival when Andrew Luck unexpectedly retired two weeks before the season. Surprisingly though, Jacoby Bissett went 5-2 in the first seven games. 

Then he got hurt against Pittsburgh, we lost that game...then we had to start Brian Hoyer at home to Miami. 

And yup, we lost that one too. 

Then the backside fell out of our season entirely, and we lost six of our last seven games. Yay. 

Jordan Love time? Here's hoping. 

The Crash Bandicoot N Sanity Game of the Year:

Houston Texans v Buffalo Bills, Wildcard Game

I was tempted to give this to Chiefs v Texans in the following round, but after the Chiefs recovery, they kinda dominated…so I'm giving this to Texans v Bills. 

This game was drunk. Between the Texans defence wanting to hand the game to the Bills and Josh Allen wanting to hand the game to the Texans, this was madness personified. Clownball ruled the day. 

The Bills defence destroyed the Texans in the first half and had a 16 point lead, then the Bills offence fell to pieces, JJ Watt carried the Texans to 19 unanswered, and then Bill O'Brien somehow let the Bills get a field goal to send it to overtime. 

DeShaun Watson then saved Bill O'Brien's job at the end by winning in overtime. 

This game was drunk. 

Runner-up: the aforementioned Chiefs v Texans game. 

Hero of the Year:

Hakim Law

Law managed to help out in rescuing people from a burning building in Philadelphia. He managed to catch a baby from a burning building, which made him enough of a hero. 

However, when he was interviewed by CBS, he quipped: “My man started throwing babies out the window,” Law went on. “We was catching ’em, unlike Agholor.”

The man should never have to pay for a drink in Philadelphia again.

((C) NBC Sports 2019)

Reporter of the Year:

A Cleveland Browns fan account on Twitter broke the news of the hiring of Kevin Stefanski before two prominent Browns beat reporters. 

That account...was a toaster. 

30 for 30: 

Jameis Winston

For the quite sensational achievement of managing to throw over 30 touchdowns and 30 interceptions in the same season. 

The man had eight pick-sixes, an NFL record probably previously held by Matt Schaub. 

I saw four of these interceptions in London against the Panthers. 

Tampa, please keep him for another ten years. I have no real investment in yous, and he's incredibly fun to watch in a masochist way. 

You genuinely never know what he'll do next. The league needs that. 

ESports Athlete of the Year:

Jay Ajayi

"Quick, Nip out to ASDA":

The Kansas City Chiefs

The Kansas City Chiefs scored that many touchdowns against the Houston Texans that they literally ran out of fireworks to celebrate them with. 

...is the Tesco garage still open?

The Jay Cartwright Award:

Julian Edelman

Speaking of Edelman, he wins this for spending the weekend after the Patriots defeat in the Wildcard round reenacting Jay from the Inbetweeners and jumping on the bonnet of a stranger's car…and getting himself arrested in the process. 

Still, if this is the biggest scandal of the Pats' off-season, it'll be a step up from last year. 

Or the last few years? 

The Indykalia In The Know Award:

Sports Gossip dot com

For breaking the story asking whether Vikings Head Coach Mike Zimmer was dating a former Maxim cover model. 

Their source? 

Opening their article with their source of: "we were sent a DM…" 

Truly top notch reporting here lads. 

Coincidental Timing of the Year:

The Dallas Cowboys

For, after a long drawn out process where we all knew what was coming but the Cowboys refused to confirm it, the Cowboys finally announced that they were moving on from Jason Garrett as Head Coach. 

During the Eagles' Wildcard game. 

That's pettiness on a world class level. You love to see it. 

Runner-Up: That Maxim Cover story with Mike Zimmer? Tweeted during the Vikings' Divisional loss to the 49ers. 

Celebration of the Year:

Joe Mixon

After the Bengals' final day win over the Cleveland Browns, they went to victory formation and despite finishing the season with the worst overall record, they earned the top pick and beat the Browns. 

Joe Mixon took off his helmet to celebrate and swung it…and it slipped out of his hands and bowled the referee over. Yep, the Bengals can't even celebrate correctly. 

On the plus side...not the worst helmet incident of the season…

Runner-Up: The Dolphins celebrating their first win of the season by Gatorade showering Brian Flores. 

A Gatorade shower. 

You beat the Jets, lads. 

THE JETS. 

Helmet of the Year and Best Livening Up of a Dull Thursday Night Game:

Myles Garrett

One of the worst games I watched this season, the Browns and Steelers in a Thursday Night game, suddenly got interesting when Myles Garrett took off his helmet...and literally tried to murder Mason Rudolph with it. 

He swung his own helmet at him. 

He could've killed him.

WITH HIS OWN HELMET. 

Madness. 

Best Party Game of the Year:

Cleveland Browns fans

This of course led to the next game and the Browns fans outside the stadium creating a Mason Rudolph pinata, and playing a fun game of "Swing the Helmet at Mason Rudolph" 

Runner-Up: Buffalo Bills fans, as always, being utter masochists and putting themselves through tables. Well, you'd have to be a masochist to be a Bills fan, to be fair...

"While you're at it?" Award:

The Indianapolis Colts

The Scouts Be Prepared Award:

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan

In particular, the Pittsburgh Steelers fan who brought two jerseys to a game. Those of Mason Rudolph and Devlin "Duck" Hodges. He also brought a duck mask and a Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer mask.

Hodges started the game and was benched for Rudolph, so the fan switched his Hodges Jersey and Duck mask for a Rudolph Jersey and Rudolph mask. 

Then Rudolph got injured, Hodges came back into the game, and the fan had to switch back. 

I'm honestly not sure what I'm more amazed at: the fact he had this level of preparation, or the fact he paid actual money for both a Devlin Hodges AND a Mason Rudolph Jersey. Not just one. BOTH. 

Bill Murray Award:

Sam Darnold

I don't really have to explain the joke here.

Particular nod to the Dolphins and Jaguars for playing the Ghostbusters theme after beating the Jets.

Graphic of the Year:

The New York Jets

Speaking of Darnold, early in the season, he went out for a bit with, of all things, Mono.

This prompted the Jets to announce it with a GIF:

Yep.

That happened.

Of course this was mocked mercilessly.

True Commitment to the Cause Award:

Sam Darnold

Darnold then went out to celebrate a win later in the season, by "getting drunk and hooking up with some random girl."

Sam Darnold trying to get mono twice in the same season is sensational patter from the New York Fitba Jets. 

The Dr Nick Riviera Award:

The New York Jets

…look, I'll stop slamming on the Jets soon. Stop making it so easy for me. 

The quite frankly shambolic handling of the Kelechi Osemele situation has to be brought up here. 

In October, it was revealed Osemele needed shoulder surgery. His doctors told him he needed the surgery, but the Jets organisation refused to approve the surgery, and even sent blank MRIs to rush him back onto the field. He was also fined for every single practice he missed during his injury. 

He then went and had the surgery. 

And the Jets released him the next day. 

Yeeesh. 

Training Camp of the Year:

San Francisco 49ers 

For kicking off their season with two fights on the same day. 

Hey, they're in the Super Bowl. Something clearly worked here. 

Motivation of the Year:

Mike Vrabel

For motivating the Titans players by saying in an interview that he would "cut his dick off for a Super Bowl win". 

The Titans reached the AFC Championship. 

I'm just putting 2 and 2 together here. Somehow the idea of VrBel going full Theon Greyjoy motivated the Titans. 

No further questions. 

"Delay of Game. Offence. Five yard penalty…"

The Tennessee Titans

For delaying the start of their home game with the Indianapolis Colts in week 2 by actually setting fire to their own field via a pyrotechnics malfunction. 

I mean, I can't even do binfire jokes about the Titans because they were good this year.

I'm telling you, the Titans being good ruins things for everyone. And by everyone, I mean me.

Damn it, Tennessee. Go back to being painfully mediocre please.

Time Management of the Year:

Dan Snyder

For his introduction of Ron Rivera as the new Head Coach of the Washington Washingtons, Dan Snyder opened with: "Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!" 

…on January the 2nd.

The Washington D.C. Fitba Team, everybody! 

The Owen Templeton Coin Toss of the Year Award:

Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys coin toss against the Rams came with a ton of controversy. The Cowboys won the toss, simple enough. Then Dak Prescott told referee Walt Anderson that he wanted to "Kick". This would mean that the Rams would receive the ball at the first half.and then get the choice to receive it again at the start of the second half. 

Anderson checked and Prescott said "Kick" again, then changed it to "defer to the second half". However the referee ruled that the Cowboys would kick off both halves. 

Adding to this, the Rams then kicked the opening kickoff out of bounds, which you can't do without a flag. 

It was eventually overturned and the Cowboys received the ball in the second half, but for a short while, the Rams were getting the ball in both halves. 

Bonus points if you get the reference without Google, by the way. 

Most Random Display of Pettiness of the Season:

Philadelphia Eagles

For asking the NFL to stop having the Cowboys (and by extent, the Lions) play every Thanksgiving. 

They knew it was gonna get voted down. 

But they brought it up anyway, just because they could. 

The NFC East. Kings of NFL Pettiness. 

Nostradamus of the Season:

Our own Keira Tucker (@HavingChips4Tea)

I mean, she got the Titans going to the AFC Championship correct. 

Nobody is topping that for predictions this season. 

The "I'm not paid enough for this" award:

The Chicago Bears Twitter admin

During the Bears' blowout loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, you could just tell that the Bears' Twitter admin had just had it with everything:

There's a reason Seth Rollins hates football, you know.

The Monty Python "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" Award:

Hue Jackson

For a small fee, you can get a personalised Cameo video from Hue Jackson. Including the one where he congratulated Cleveland Browns fans for putting on a parade to celebrate 0-16.

Fair play to him for taking it in his stride, having a bit of humour, and hell, making a wee bit of money out of it.

The SportsPesa "We should probably look for a new sponsor" award

Empower Retirement

When the Kansas City Chiefs beat the Tennessee Titans to reach Super Bowl LIV, they received this message from Empower Retirement:

Seems fair enough, right?

One tiny problem…

The Empower Retirement At Mile High Stadium.

Yep, they sponsor the Broncos.

Awkward…

Might be time to look for a new stadium sponsor, Denver.

Hey, the Go For It On Fourth At Mile High Stadium has a ring to it, right?

...right?

We have like £12. Have your people call our people, Denver Broncos.

And on the note of our impending folding due to massive budget cuts completely unrelated to the Denver Broncos' stadium, that concludes the 2019-20 NFL Alternative Awards. 

Thank you for reading, and allowing us to look at the lighter side of the NFL this season. 

Good luck to both the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers, and thank you both for not being the New England Patriots for once. 

Our Super Bowl Preview should be up over the weekend. 

As always, 

Go Colts.