NFL 2019 NFC Season Preview and Predictions: By Kyle Balfour
We did it! We finally made it.
After a gruelling off season drought with no World Cup or Olympics in sight to tide us over, barely was anything to hold our sporting attention after the Stanley Cup Final (big congratulations to the St.Louis Blues for a comeback for the ages, which began as far back as January), and yes, I will completely disregard the cricket.
Now, it is here! The start of the National Football League season, and not just any season: the league's centennial. That's right - 100 years of the NFL. For all that we level against the mighty shield, we're still here, and we still love it! So let's kick off this special season by previewing every team and how I think they will fare. Starting with the National Football Conference thanks to that sweet, sweet NFC bias! Also the order the team is presented shall represent my predictions as to where they shall finish within their division. I am too cowardly to actually attempt records without defaulting to the usual extremes of bad (2-14), mediocre (7-9), and good (13-3).
NFC North:
Chicago Bears: After last seasons heart wrenching loss to the Eagles in the Wild Card Round at the hands of the uprights becoming Cody Parky's own personal pinball machine (or something about Treyvon Hester tipping it, i 'unno), the Bears are still in good hands. Despite reports that coach Matt Nagy really hasn't taken the loss as well as others might expect, the team is still contenders and still bolsters majority of the pieces they had during their resurgence last season. Yeah, you traded Jordan Howard to the very same Eagles for half a freddo, but Mike Davis isn't that bad of a replacement. Hopefully with some good coaching, Davis can blossom. You can still be kings of the north if you wish. Just hope you don't need to do any kicking...I'd just say screw it and try for 2 every time!
Minnesotta Vikings: Like many things in the Vikings history (and I mean MANY), downright rotten luck was the culprit of last years relatively "meh" looking season. Barring any more disruptive injuries to key players, the Vikings are still stable enough to try and salvage the aspirations they had a few season ago. The jury is still out on this Vikings edition of Kirk Cousins, so hopefully he can have himself a better season, for both himself and that albatross contract the team tendered to him. The window is still open!
Green Bay Packers: Packers, do you even know what you are anymore? You have arguably the most talented quarterback in the leagues history entering into his twilight, he's becoming injury prone, he's both irritated with the franchise but knows he's nothing without them at this point (unless he pulls a Brett Farve but I don't see that with Rodgers), and aside from him and Davante Adams every other marquee name you've had over the last few years is GONE. Oh yeah, and the organisation is all "bro, how i mine for free agents?" This is an identity crisis, and the issues are glaringly obvious. It's a shame because you simply can't rebuild with Rodgers, you just can't. He won't allow it. My advice: sign what you can around Rodgers and let him handle the rest. He can still produce magic from time to time. Just keep him healthy and protected and he MIGHT carry you to a winning season...or at the very least some highlight reels.
Detroit Lions: Oh yeah, you guys. Still playing pretend as the New England Patriots, I see. Well that kind of uninspired strategy will surely net you an equally uninspired season. Signing Trey Flowers off the Patriots will not save you (I've seen first hand what happens to ex-pats when they flock to other teams...), drafting what you hope to the Motor City Gods is Gronk 2.0 will also not save you. You're only hope is more of that 4th quarter witchcraft from Matthew Stafford and the fact that no other teams take you seriously.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles fans, do me and yourself a favour. Boot up a game of The Oregon Trail, and see how you get on, because this season is gonna be just like that. The team is stacked despite the pending cap hell you were supposed to endure after last season. Well played, indeed. However, let's face the uncomfortable fact of this whole endeavour: you live and you die by the Wentz Wagon. No biggus nickus dickus for bailouts this time! Wentz has to prove himself a franchise quarterback, a full season quarterback, and emerge as a playoff warrior despite no experience in the latter. Nothing too big to handle there, right?
Also feel free to leave a comment anyone who actually does brave The Oregon Trail.
Washington Redskins: Ugh, I don't want to live in a world where I think this team will finally break through and be all right for a change...though I do have to question the possible fetish you have for signing table scraps off my team as of late (Landon Collins, Ereck Flowers, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie). You took the promising QB Dwayne Haskins in the first round to replace this generations Joe Theisman, signed the NFL equivalent of a resting heart beat in Case Keenum, and you've got the pieces to cobble something positive at least. Of course, there is always that dreaded injury curse plaguing your team: Alex Smith ain't going anywhere anytime soon, but now Rueben Foster went down at training, and you've managed to piss off Trent Williams as well. The chance for some shred of success is there, but this is Washington we're talking about: you can have no nice things.
Dallas Cowboys: So Dak Prescott wants $40 Million dollars a year, Ezekiel Elliot's hold out barely ate into the regular season and ended up a 6 year $90 million contract (can't wait for the cap hit when that baby kicks in!) and Amari Cooper will be wanting the green at the end of this season...Holy cap hell, Jerry!
For us, this is the kind of predicament that can break a team and forever alter the course of their history. For the Cowboys: this is Monday. This team oozes this kind of chicanery every year, and it honestly couldn't have happened to a more fitting target. Fuck this team with a 5 pointed spur.
Let's face it: Dak isn't getting, nor is he worth even half that contract (they offered him $30m/year, and he declined!), and he can thank that lone star of his that he has his Buckaroo workhorse in zeke to make him look great, as well as being behind the great offensive line of Dallas.
Jason Garrett will still be here clapping on the side lines, even though he's becoming very much like the end of Old Yeller at this stage and Jason Witten came crawling back after a fantastic stint of ruining Monday Night Football. Like I said: just another Monday.
New York Giants:
...I believe in my team...
...I trust my general manager...
...I have faith in my head coach...
...I cheer for those that don the big blue...
All that being said...*breathes* if this blows up, the fires of hell will be a mere fridge to the levels of frustration that I and this fan base will release.
The best player on every side of the ball is gone! Odell Beckham JR & Olivier Vernon, the best wide receiver I will ever see in a Giants uniform (distracting diva personality not withstanding) and the teams best pass rusher (overpaid to fuck, but still good) traded to the Cleveland Browns for O-lineman Kevin Zeitler (not bad) and safety Jabrill Peppers (a promising player, for sure, and one I'd have been happy with had it not been for the fact that he was only part of this trade because they let Landon Collins walk because he demanded too much money)
They reached in the draft to take Eli Manning 2.0 at 6th overall (I don't want to hear it, Daniel Jones abso-fucking-lutely would have been available at 16th. Don't even fucking bother with that advocacy). Golden Tate got slapped with a 4 game suspension for not getting enough oestrogen or some shit!
*breathes* all of that being said, I believe in this team. Don't get me wrong, they're going to suck this season, and hard, but in the meantime, I will stand by my team, and I will see what they've got...
Fuck my life.
NFC South
New Orleans: So...yeah, referees blew a potentially critical pass interference call...Brees still threw an interception in overtime. Can't wait for the endless victim-hood of the fanbase and for Sean Payton to wank this off dry like he did his title win for the next decade.
That being said, the team's still in good shape. Certain big players sadly had to be shed to avoid financial strains, but this team should still be able to make noise in the normally dog fight ridden NFC South. Just don't come playing victim when this new rule to make all pass interference calls review-able bites you in the balls. Remember: you wanted this!
More gadget Taysom Hill plays, please! That kind of real life shit housing is the kind of dankness I live for!
Carolina Panthers: Panthers, this season is of critical importance. Pray that Cam Newton is healthy enough to return back to full strength. If he is, expect a 2017/2018 Andrew Luck comeback season. If not, expect a 2019/2020 Andrew Luck season (...too soon?). I shouldn't joke, but the team needs Newton to be back to form. Though if my Panthers almanac is anything to indicate, it appears as those the Panthers will return to contention. It's always flip-flop with this team, man. You got receiver Chris Hogan off the Patriots, Greg Olsen is still a great option for tight end, Luke Keuchly is one more concussion away from forced retirement, and 1000 receiving and rushing yards front runner Christian McCaffrey is still the wild card option you need to shake things up in a pinch.
It's your last year as coach, Ron Rivera. Make it count.
Atlanta Falcons: Your Super Bowl winning window is beginning to close, Falcons. Provided that the finest alchemists in all of Georgia managed to purge your team of its constant string of injuries, and your coaching can get its shit together, it should prove to a be bit more of a bounce back year for you. Act quickly, though!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I am sadly not sold on this team. Even with the un-retiring of Gatsby hat shareholder Bruce Arians overseeing things and a strong defence, coupled with the annoyingly great Mike Evans, I just don't trust the Bucs to get it done. Though if the pressure is on anyone this season, it's famous Jamais Winston. It's do or die for his career. Hopefully no uber assaults, or crab leg analogies that fail to get the people going, otherwise it's curtains for Winston. I do want to see him succeed, he has the potential and the talent to get it done, but his decision making and personal maturity may just prove to be his undoing. Just stick to the pastry version of "turnovers"...
NFC West
Los Angeles Rams: First of all, partial thanks and congratulations go to the Rams for being half of the reason this past Superbowl was without a doubt the worst I have ever seen so far. Nevermind the personal efforts me and my friends had to make just to watch the damn thing, but now you get the consolation prizes of being all in on a Super Bowl with some of your star players flocking because you can't afford all of them. While I still have you down to win the divisional because the NFC West is a joke (always feels to me that whoever wins is light years ahead of the rest and results in a blow up record for one, and blowout records for the rest), this year won't be a gimme as previous years have. Let's hope McVay still has some tricks up those young sleeves of his...some others teams are already beginning to follow trend...
Seattle Seahawks: While I claim the West to be a joke, the Seahawks have slowly brought themselves back to mild relevance. Despite the Legion of Boom now fully dismantled, they appear to have transitioned rather well without the need for a full scale blow up. Leading the charge is newly minted (again) Russell Wilson and the merry band of serviceable yet effective youth and an effective ground and pound defence. Who knows, maybe you can make more playoff noise again, long as your fan base is a little more tolerable this time around. Also nice fleecing for Jadeveon Clowney!
San Francisco 49ers: I'll believe this team when I see it...
Arizona Cardinals: Keep walking....
How Larry Fitzgerald has stayed with you for as long as he has and still continues to is disgustingly admirable.
So there's one half of the league covered. Next up, the American Football Conference.
Stay tuned for that, and most importantly: enjoy the season! Should be great as always!
After a gruelling off season drought with no World Cup or Olympics in sight to tide us over, barely was anything to hold our sporting attention after the Stanley Cup Final (big congratulations to the St.Louis Blues for a comeback for the ages, which began as far back as January), and yes, I will completely disregard the cricket.
Now, it is here! The start of the National Football League season, and not just any season: the league's centennial. That's right - 100 years of the NFL. For all that we level against the mighty shield, we're still here, and we still love it! So let's kick off this special season by previewing every team and how I think they will fare. Starting with the National Football Conference thanks to that sweet, sweet NFC bias! Also the order the team is presented shall represent my predictions as to where they shall finish within their division. I am too cowardly to actually attempt records without defaulting to the usual extremes of bad (2-14), mediocre (7-9), and good (13-3).
NFC North:
Chicago Bears: After last seasons heart wrenching loss to the Eagles in the Wild Card Round at the hands of the uprights becoming Cody Parky's own personal pinball machine (or something about Treyvon Hester tipping it, i 'unno), the Bears are still in good hands. Despite reports that coach Matt Nagy really hasn't taken the loss as well as others might expect, the team is still contenders and still bolsters majority of the pieces they had during their resurgence last season. Yeah, you traded Jordan Howard to the very same Eagles for half a freddo, but Mike Davis isn't that bad of a replacement. Hopefully with some good coaching, Davis can blossom. You can still be kings of the north if you wish. Just hope you don't need to do any kicking...I'd just say screw it and try for 2 every time!
Minnesotta Vikings: Like many things in the Vikings history (and I mean MANY), downright rotten luck was the culprit of last years relatively "meh" looking season. Barring any more disruptive injuries to key players, the Vikings are still stable enough to try and salvage the aspirations they had a few season ago. The jury is still out on this Vikings edition of Kirk Cousins, so hopefully he can have himself a better season, for both himself and that albatross contract the team tendered to him. The window is still open!
Green Bay Packers: Packers, do you even know what you are anymore? You have arguably the most talented quarterback in the leagues history entering into his twilight, he's becoming injury prone, he's both irritated with the franchise but knows he's nothing without them at this point (unless he pulls a Brett Farve but I don't see that with Rodgers), and aside from him and Davante Adams every other marquee name you've had over the last few years is GONE. Oh yeah, and the organisation is all "bro, how i mine for free agents?" This is an identity crisis, and the issues are glaringly obvious. It's a shame because you simply can't rebuild with Rodgers, you just can't. He won't allow it. My advice: sign what you can around Rodgers and let him handle the rest. He can still produce magic from time to time. Just keep him healthy and protected and he MIGHT carry you to a winning season...or at the very least some highlight reels.
Detroit Lions: Oh yeah, you guys. Still playing pretend as the New England Patriots, I see. Well that kind of uninspired strategy will surely net you an equally uninspired season. Signing Trey Flowers off the Patriots will not save you (I've seen first hand what happens to ex-pats when they flock to other teams...), drafting what you hope to the Motor City Gods is Gronk 2.0 will also not save you. You're only hope is more of that 4th quarter witchcraft from Matthew Stafford and the fact that no other teams take you seriously.
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles fans, do me and yourself a favour. Boot up a game of The Oregon Trail, and see how you get on, because this season is gonna be just like that. The team is stacked despite the pending cap hell you were supposed to endure after last season. Well played, indeed. However, let's face the uncomfortable fact of this whole endeavour: you live and you die by the Wentz Wagon. No biggus nickus dickus for bailouts this time! Wentz has to prove himself a franchise quarterback, a full season quarterback, and emerge as a playoff warrior despite no experience in the latter. Nothing too big to handle there, right?
Also feel free to leave a comment anyone who actually does brave The Oregon Trail.
Washington Redskins: Ugh, I don't want to live in a world where I think this team will finally break through and be all right for a change...though I do have to question the possible fetish you have for signing table scraps off my team as of late (Landon Collins, Ereck Flowers, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie). You took the promising QB Dwayne Haskins in the first round to replace this generations Joe Theisman, signed the NFL equivalent of a resting heart beat in Case Keenum, and you've got the pieces to cobble something positive at least. Of course, there is always that dreaded injury curse plaguing your team: Alex Smith ain't going anywhere anytime soon, but now Rueben Foster went down at training, and you've managed to piss off Trent Williams as well. The chance for some shred of success is there, but this is Washington we're talking about: you can have no nice things.
Dallas Cowboys: So Dak Prescott wants $40 Million dollars a year, Ezekiel Elliot's hold out barely ate into the regular season and ended up a 6 year $90 million contract (can't wait for the cap hit when that baby kicks in!) and Amari Cooper will be wanting the green at the end of this season...Holy cap hell, Jerry!
For us, this is the kind of predicament that can break a team and forever alter the course of their history. For the Cowboys: this is Monday. This team oozes this kind of chicanery every year, and it honestly couldn't have happened to a more fitting target. Fuck this team with a 5 pointed spur.
Let's face it: Dak isn't getting, nor is he worth even half that contract (they offered him $30m/year, and he declined!), and he can thank that lone star of his that he has his Buckaroo workhorse in zeke to make him look great, as well as being behind the great offensive line of Dallas.
Jason Garrett will still be here clapping on the side lines, even though he's becoming very much like the end of Old Yeller at this stage and Jason Witten came crawling back after a fantastic stint of ruining Monday Night Football. Like I said: just another Monday.
New York Giants:
...I believe in my team...
...I trust my general manager...
...I have faith in my head coach...
...I cheer for those that don the big blue...
All that being said...*breathes* if this blows up, the fires of hell will be a mere fridge to the levels of frustration that I and this fan base will release.
The best player on every side of the ball is gone! Odell Beckham JR & Olivier Vernon, the best wide receiver I will ever see in a Giants uniform (distracting diva personality not withstanding) and the teams best pass rusher (overpaid to fuck, but still good) traded to the Cleveland Browns for O-lineman Kevin Zeitler (not bad) and safety Jabrill Peppers (a promising player, for sure, and one I'd have been happy with had it not been for the fact that he was only part of this trade because they let Landon Collins walk because he demanded too much money)
They reached in the draft to take Eli Manning 2.0 at 6th overall (I don't want to hear it, Daniel Jones abso-fucking-lutely would have been available at 16th. Don't even fucking bother with that advocacy). Golden Tate got slapped with a 4 game suspension for not getting enough oestrogen or some shit!
*breathes* all of that being said, I believe in this team. Don't get me wrong, they're going to suck this season, and hard, but in the meantime, I will stand by my team, and I will see what they've got...
Fuck my life.
NFC South
New Orleans: So...yeah, referees blew a potentially critical pass interference call...Brees still threw an interception in overtime. Can't wait for the endless victim-hood of the fanbase and for Sean Payton to wank this off dry like he did his title win for the next decade.
That being said, the team's still in good shape. Certain big players sadly had to be shed to avoid financial strains, but this team should still be able to make noise in the normally dog fight ridden NFC South. Just don't come playing victim when this new rule to make all pass interference calls review-able bites you in the balls. Remember: you wanted this!
More gadget Taysom Hill plays, please! That kind of real life shit housing is the kind of dankness I live for!
Carolina Panthers: Panthers, this season is of critical importance. Pray that Cam Newton is healthy enough to return back to full strength. If he is, expect a 2017/2018 Andrew Luck comeback season. If not, expect a 2019/2020 Andrew Luck season (...too soon?). I shouldn't joke, but the team needs Newton to be back to form. Though if my Panthers almanac is anything to indicate, it appears as those the Panthers will return to contention. It's always flip-flop with this team, man. You got receiver Chris Hogan off the Patriots, Greg Olsen is still a great option for tight end, Luke Keuchly is one more concussion away from forced retirement, and 1000 receiving and rushing yards front runner Christian McCaffrey is still the wild card option you need to shake things up in a pinch.
It's your last year as coach, Ron Rivera. Make it count.
Atlanta Falcons: Your Super Bowl winning window is beginning to close, Falcons. Provided that the finest alchemists in all of Georgia managed to purge your team of its constant string of injuries, and your coaching can get its shit together, it should prove to a be bit more of a bounce back year for you. Act quickly, though!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I am sadly not sold on this team. Even with the un-retiring of Gatsby hat shareholder Bruce Arians overseeing things and a strong defence, coupled with the annoyingly great Mike Evans, I just don't trust the Bucs to get it done. Though if the pressure is on anyone this season, it's famous Jamais Winston. It's do or die for his career. Hopefully no uber assaults, or crab leg analogies that fail to get the people going, otherwise it's curtains for Winston. I do want to see him succeed, he has the potential and the talent to get it done, but his decision making and personal maturity may just prove to be his undoing. Just stick to the pastry version of "turnovers"...
NFC West
Los Angeles Rams: First of all, partial thanks and congratulations go to the Rams for being half of the reason this past Superbowl was without a doubt the worst I have ever seen so far. Nevermind the personal efforts me and my friends had to make just to watch the damn thing, but now you get the consolation prizes of being all in on a Super Bowl with some of your star players flocking because you can't afford all of them. While I still have you down to win the divisional because the NFC West is a joke (always feels to me that whoever wins is light years ahead of the rest and results in a blow up record for one, and blowout records for the rest), this year won't be a gimme as previous years have. Let's hope McVay still has some tricks up those young sleeves of his...some others teams are already beginning to follow trend...
Seattle Seahawks: While I claim the West to be a joke, the Seahawks have slowly brought themselves back to mild relevance. Despite the Legion of Boom now fully dismantled, they appear to have transitioned rather well without the need for a full scale blow up. Leading the charge is newly minted (again) Russell Wilson and the merry band of serviceable yet effective youth and an effective ground and pound defence. Who knows, maybe you can make more playoff noise again, long as your fan base is a little more tolerable this time around. Also nice fleecing for Jadeveon Clowney!
San Francisco 49ers: I'll believe this team when I see it...
Arizona Cardinals: Keep walking....
How Larry Fitzgerald has stayed with you for as long as he has and still continues to is disgustingly admirable.
So there's one half of the league covered. Next up, the American Football Conference.
Stay tuned for that, and most importantly: enjoy the season! Should be great as always!
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