Super Bowl LIII Coverage: The Alternative NFL Awards 2018

By Stuart Tomlin

As part of our continuing Super Bowl LIII coverage, today, we do our best to match the NFL Awards coming on Saturday. This is our alternative NFL Awards for the 2018 Season.

It’s the end of the season, and that means it’s award season.

Never mind the Oscars or the Golden Globes, here’s the most prestigious awards possible: The Go For It On Fourth Alternative NFL Awards!

(Well, we’re at least second to the Grammys.

Or third. MTV Movie Awards.

Forgot about those.)

Usually the NFL Awards are for the MVP of the Season, or the Rookies of the Year, Offensive Players of the Year, Defensive Players of the Year, that sort of thing. We’ll leave that to the NFL themselves to decide. For us, the more prestigious awards possible are the alternative ones.

Shall we get to awarding?

(That’s how whomever hosts the Oscars should finish his opening speech.

They don’t have a host yet?

Hey, @AcademyAwards, I’m available?)

The Dundee United Award for the Biggest Season Collapse: The Carolina Panthers.

Ooft.

Midway through October, the Panthers were 6-2, and looking like they were going to push the New Orleans Saints all the way for the NFC South and even a potential 1 seed. And then the game against the Pittsburgh Steelers happened.

They got absolutely mauled.

A 52-21 defeat at the hands of the Steelers at Heinz Field later, and then the walls just caved in on the Panthers. Everything just fell to absolute bits. The Panthers fell to bits. Cam Newton’s shoulder fell to bits. From 6-2 to 6-9 (nice) and out of the playoffs entirely. They finished 7-9, but partly due to a New Orleans Saints team resting their starters for the playoffs. Cam Newton missed the last two games of the season, which means he could’ve gotten surgery after Week 15?

…they waited until after the season, huh?

…there’s talk of him missing the entirety of the 2019 Season, huh?

Oh Lord.

I speak from experience with the Andrew Luck injuries that this does not spell good news for you in the short term, Panthers. Hopefully I’m wrong and he comes back strong for next season. Especially as I’m due to see you play in 2019 against the Buccaneers in London.

But at the moment, it doesn’t bode well.

At least if it works like us, your 2020 season should be good?

That’s…something right?

Runners-Up: Miami Dolphins, 3-0 to .500, the football team. The Miami Miracle to out of the playoffs and watching the Patriots in the Super Bowl once again. The Cincinnati Bengals, started well and then AJ Green got injured, Andy Dalton got injured, and they hired Hue Jackson. Jesus wept.

The Soap Opera of the Year Award: The Pittsburgh Steelers

“This week…on Days of Our Steelers”

Whether it was Le’Veon Bell’s contract holdout lasting the entire season and the Steelers celebrating by raiding his locker, Le’Veon liking Steelers losses on Instagram, Antonio Brown’s walkout potentially due to Juju Smith-Schuster being named team MVP, Brown asking for a potential trade, AB’s appearance on the Masked Singer, AB driving 100mph in a 30 zone, Big Ben, the “leader of men” throwing absolutely everyone he can find under the bus, the collapsing losses to the Chargers and the God Damn Raiders, Uncle Mike blaming this defeat to the Raiders on an x-ray machine, and all of this leading to them missing the playoffs, the Pittsburgh Steelers were our favourite drama on and off the field this year. Particularly off the field. May the Days of Our Steelers entertain us once again next season.

Runners up: The Jacksonville Jaguars. Particular nod to Jalen Ramsey talking shit and the Jaguars not being able to back it up, going out on the piss in London (more on that later) and four of their players getting arrested, and Blake fucking Bortles. Cleveland Browns, for Jimmy Haslam, Hue Jackson and Baker Mayfield not getting along. At all. I mean, you saw Hard Knocks. They don’t win it because they got significantly better once Hue got fired. Also a nod to Baker Mayfield’s snidey remarks to Hue on a cooking show of all things, and a Browns player giving Hue the gameball after clinching an interception against Hue’s new team, the Bengals. Pissboiling on an absolutely fantastic scale. Kudos.

The Eric Cartman “Screw You Guys, I’m Out Of Here” Award: Vontae Davis.

Half-time of the Bills v Chargers. The Bills are losing. Vontae Davis decides “Nah, fuck it”, and abruptly walks out of the stadium, retiring at half-time. He realised he “shouldn’t be out there any more”, and retired. At half-time of a game. He decided he’d rather retire than spend any more time playing for the Buffalo Bills.

I don’t honestly blame him.

This one’s kinda a shame as I still have his jersey from his time as a Colts player, and I always liked him. He was cut towards the end of the 2017 Season. Honestly, as much as I hate to say this because I like Vontae, I think Chris Ballard got this one right and it shows.

Happy Retirement, Vontae.

I’d probably continue to steer clear of your Twitter mentions for a while, though.

The Statue of the Year Award: Nick Foles and the Bud Light Statue.

To commemorate the Eagles win in Super Bowl LII, Bud Light commissioned a statue of Nick Foles and Doug Pederson with “You Want Philly Philly?”.

This remains outside Lincoln Financial Field.

The Eagles have a statue of their backup Quarterback who might be moving on soon.

And not Carson Wentz.

And Nick Foles got a statue before Tom Brady.

What a time to be alive.

Richard Osman Pointless Stat of the Year:

To be fair to the Vikings, kudos to them for running with it:

Refereeing Call of the Year:

Referee Pete Morelli: “Timeout: Buffalo”.

He was refereeing the Carolina Panthers against the Baltimore Ravens.

Runner-Up: It’s hard to beat “False Start: Offence, Everyone But the Center.” isn’t it? Not the first time it’s happened but it’s always great when it does.

The General Custer Leadership Award: Hue Jackson.

How do you follow up an 0-16 Season?

How about getting fired from not one, but two different NFL clubs in one season?

After finally, mercifully, being fired from the Cleveland Browns after leading the Browns to three wins in two years, Hue Jackson was hired by the Cincinnati Bengals as a “Special Advisor to the Head Coach”, whatever the hell that means. Usually it means “the guy that’s going to replace me when I get fired.” Thankfully for the Bengals in this case, they didn’t, and Hue followed Marvin Lewis out of the door, giving him the unique distinction of being fired twice by two different NFL clubs in the space of one season.

To be honest, I should probably just give him a lifetime membership of this at this point.

The Monty Python “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”:

The Arizona Cardinals Social Media team for this absolute delight following their utter leathering at the hands of the Broncos:

Runner-Up: The Miami Dolphins’ early commitment to punting the 2019 Season in order to Draft one of Tua or Herbert. This one might end up as an @OldTakesExposed, mind you.

The “While You’re At It” Award: The Dallas Cowboys, for asking Amari Cooper if he knew “any cool plays” from his time at Oakland.

He was coached by Jon Gruden, what do you think?

Hope you like Spider-Y-2-Banana, Dallas…

The Geography Award: Buffalo Bills.

Ahead of their game against the Minnesota Vikings, the Buffalo Bills on their Twitter put up a graphic promoting their flight to Minnesota. They accidentally located Wisconsin on the map instead.

To be fair to them, after their impressive win over the Vikings, they were due to play the Packers in Wisconsin the following week, so tweeted a GIF of them flying to Minnesota, and then flying a “W” over it on the way to Wisconsin.

And then the Packers leathered them.

Good job, Buffalo.

The Dutch Van Der Linde “I Have a Plan” Award: The Seattle Seahawks.

Mychal Kendricks, linebacker for the Cleveland Browns, pleaded guilty of Insider Trading. He was due to be sentenced to potentially up to 25 years in prison.

So, the Seattle Seahawks signed him to a one-year deal.

Kendricks then received a suspension due to the Insider Trading being, you know, incredibly illegal and a violation of the personal conduct policy of the NFL, which eventually turned into an eight-game suspension.

He then returned to the Seahawks on the 8^th of December…and broke his leg five days later. Season over.

His sentencing is now due in April.

“I have a plan, Mr. Morgan.”

The Piss-Up of the Year Award: The City of Cleveland after the Browns won their first game.

This of course opened up the Bud Light Fridges, which were to remain locked until the Browns finally won a game, and the entire city of Cleveland had a hangover the next day.

Dilly Dilly.

Runners-Up: The Jaguars in London. Don’t worry, I’m getting to this one.

The Most Public Display of Pettiness: The Denver Broncos and Arizona Cardinals:

Runner-Up: The New Orleans Saints, after the NFC Championship:

 

The Wholesome Award of the Year: Juju Smith-Schuster.

Simply for going trick or treating.

As himself.

 

Runner up: Andrew Luck. Whether it’s the book club, “Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too”, the awkward interview with Pam Oliver where he didn’t know what to say about playoffs, or the Civil War Twitter account, Andrew Luck is utterly adorable and I absolutely fucking love him. There’s no bias in these awards. Honest.

The Homer Simpson Model Employee Award: The Jacksonville Jaguars.

The night before their game in London against the Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles, four members of the Jaguars went out on the town in London. They racked up a £50,000 bar-tab, drinking expensive champagne, the night before a game. They then tried to skip out on the tab, got into a bit of a stramash in said pub, and ended up being arrested before being released on bail. All, the night before a game with the Super Bowl Champions.

Utterly sensational stuff.

The Whitney Houston Biggest Throwaway of a Miracle Award: The Miami Dolphins.

The Miami Miracle. The final play of the game against the New England Patriots, and the Dolphins needed a miracle.

Ryan Tannehill snapped the ball, handed it off, it was lateralled, and Gronk attempted a tackle in hilarious fashion, missed and the Dolphins won in the dying seconds. Miami Miracle.

Turning point of the Dolphins season, right?

Wrong.

They lost their last three games after this, and missed the playoffs.

And they, like the rest of us, have to watch the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay.

The Product Placement of the Year Award: Cleveland Browns Punter and Solar Dog Britton Colquitt.

Let’s just let this wonderfulness speak for itself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPaQdhB5Fa0

I…

I have questions

So many questions:

-     Is this the worst advert ever created, or the best?

-     Why is nobody capable of doing that damn Fortnite dance?

-     Why does the kid have bills to pay?

-     What the hell is “Getting Down with the Dawg Pound”

-     What the hell is a Solar Coach?

-     Does he know punting the ball out of the stadium achieves nothing? That’s…that’s a touchback.

-     SOLAR DOG

-     Why is the Solar Dog in a car for absolutely no reason?

-     Why do they cut to Solar Dog in the first place?

-     SOLAR DOG IS A THING THAT BARES REPEATING

-     I KNOW THAT ISN’T A QUESTION BUT STILL

-     SOLAR DOG

This advert came into our lives around about the time the Browns’ fortunes changed. Solar Dog saved the Browns’ season.

Well, that, and…

Unofficial Mascot of the Season: The Cleveland Browns Possum

The possum turned up at the Browns v Jets game, and the Browns won their first game in almost two years.

You do the math.

The Revolving Door Award: Phillip Walker and the Indianapolis Colts

I lost count of the number of times he was released from the practice squad and then signed back. Life of a practice squad player. “Goodbye, Phil! Welcome back, Phil!”

The Crossbar Challenge: Cody Parkey

Honestly, I didn’t think he was going to top hitting the post four times in one game against the Detroit Lions, a game the Chicago Bears STILL WON. Because Lions.

But, the double doink in the Wildcard Round that ended the Bears season, and sent the Eagles through to play the Saints in the Divisional.

Oh my word.

Unreal drama.

Best Response to a Meltdown: THIS.

  Oh my word.

The Coaching Search of the Year Award: The Browns for their interest in Condaleeza Rice.

Still a better hire than Jon Gruden.

The Kings of NFL Shithousing 2018: The New England Patriots.

For making us all believe that the Dynasty was dead and they were finished, and then making the Super Bowl.

Again.

Bastards.

The Tom Hanks Award for Biggest Delay: Miami Dolphins v Tennessee Titans

Week 1 of the NFL Season, taking seven hours and ten minutes to play due to all of the weather delays. The longest game in NFL history. Several breaks. One point they played for about three minutes before they had to go back in due to the weather.

Madness.

The Undertaker Award for Coming Back From the Dead: The Indianapolis Colts.

1-5 start, seemingly dead in the water. Then, 9 wins out of 10, a 10-6 record, and a place in the Wildcard Round. And then a Wildcard win over the Texans.

The Colts made the NFL fun for me again this year, and considering how bad our 2017 season was, how much we were written off with Andrew Luck’s future in doubt, with Josh McDaniels turning down the job at the last minute and us hiring Frank Reich instead…

The Bullet Dodged Award: Again, the Indianapolis Colts.

Frank Reich instead of Josh McDaniels.

Thank fuck for that.

The Biggest Contributor to the NFL Office’s Christmas Party Funds: Clay Matthews.

Seems like every week he was getting another bullshit fine.

                                                                                        

Head in the Sand Award: The NFL itself, for Refball

What the hell is roughing the passer?

How many times are you going to fine Clay Matthews for legitimate tackles?

What the hell was that no-call in the NFC Championship?

The refereeing in the NFL has always been on a par with Scottish fitba, but this season seemed particularly bad. Bring back the replacement refs…

*remembers the Fail Mary*

…hmmm…maybe not.

But shit needs to change in the refereeing. A lot of things need to be looked at in the offseason. This is costing teams massively.

Over to you, Shield.

The Kill Them With Kindness Award: Buffalo Bills fans.

Ahead of the Bears v Bears game, an NBC Sports Chicago based article derided Bills fans as “The laughing stock of the NFL” due to their tendencies to put themselves through tables and get hammered before games.

In response, Bills fans donated thousands to a Chicago charity for children with cancer.

This was after they donated thousands to Andy Dalton’s foundation after the last minute touchdown for the Bengals against the Ravens that handed the Bills their first playoff spot in 25 years.

The NFL needs more fans like you, Buffalo.

Hope you can get a team worthy of you next year.

And that’ll do it for our alternative NFL Awards!

Good luck to the Rams and…sigh…the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Fan prediction article should be up Saturday, and we’re still looking for folks to contribute! Alls we need is a name, location, Twitter @, quick paragraph on the game, and a score prediction.

Thanks folks.

As always, Go Colts.