A New York Giant's "Fan" Guide to Superbowl LII

So...here we are: 20 weeks later, 16 regular season games, bye weeks, the Wildcard Round, the Divisional Finals, the Conference Championships, and we have finally made it: The Superbowl!  32 teams began, 12 teams entered into the deathmatch that is the playoffs, and we are down to the final two. Let's get to it, shall we?

Superbowl LII

New England Patriots vs. Philadelphia Eagles

U.S. Bank Stadium, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Winner: ...

So the AFC & NFC's top seeded teams meet in the Superbowl...remember this fact, it becomes important later...

Team 1: The New England Patriots

So after coursing through what has been argued the absolute easiest playoffs of their "dynasty" to date by bashing the underdog Titans, and holding off a young, inexperienced, and scrappy team without a real quarterback, the Dark Side of the NFL marches once again to yet another fucking Superbowl. We've all read this story before. The AFC is shit - the level of parity pales in comparison to the NFC. I believe any of the NFC playoff teams could have easily made the Superbowl this year. Sadly, as per rules, infighting is the only way to make it to the 'bowl.

So who have they got? As if you needed me to remind you...

So they have the fraud G.O.A.T himself Tom Brady ('lol has 5 rings'...so does Joe Montana...and besides: let's count down how you obtained such relics):

Ring 1: The Tuck Rule. You fumbled that fucking ball and cost the Radiers a chance for their 4th ring in the AFC Divisional Finals. Fraud! Then OG kicker Adam Vinatieri nails it for you in the finals against the Rams.

Ring 2: Adam Vinatieri once again bails you out against the Panthers.

Ring 3: Ok, this one I'll give you. It was a good game, and the original Superbowl matchup for this years teams. Well done, you've earned one so far.

Ring 4: Eli Manning has it.

Ring 5: Eli Manning has it.

Ring 6: "Pass is intercepted at the goal line by Malcolm Butler!" Let's make this clear: you didn't earn that ring - Malcolm Butler did - and also because Pete Carroll is a cocky little shit and refused to utilise the best running back in the league at that time to hammer it fucking home.

Ring 7: The Falcons blew it. Comebacks go both ways, but that still doesn't excuse that the Falcons should have kept running with the lead instead of trying to outdo Pete Carroll in showing up the Patriots.

So out of 5 rings, you've personally earned...1...fraud! I honestly can't wait for Stephen Gostkowski to bail you out in the final kick this year. This is honestly why Greatest.Of.All.Ttime should go to the head coach for orchestrating a valiant team effort; and I will happily bow down and applaud Bill Belichick as the greatest coach of all time. Being a protege to the great Bill Parcells, Belichick has eclipsed even the Big Tuna himself. Despite the team he's coaching, I have to admire and respect what Belichick has done to this team, turning it into a near-guaranteed AFC conference championship bound team every fucking year. That takes skill. Players come and go, but not the Patriots when it comes to the AFC championship.

And the Patriots have exactly that: skill. I may think Tom Brady isn't the greatest, but he's definitely good enough to operate fully within Belichick's system. In addition, they have the likes of a great, strong receiving core: Danny Amedola, Brandin Cooks, Chris Hogan, and Rob Gronkowski are all excellent players, and have shown up spectacularly in this post-season. Their running game is a ragtag of respectable cogs in the Patriots' machine: James White, Dion Lewis, and Mike Gillisse have all proven to be a valuable option for Brady in a pinch. Couple all of this with a strong offensive line, and a tough defence. Even if said defence has been a little suspect this season, it's still a mere chip in the Patriots armour.

They are the team to beat (of course they are...), and I do expect them to win. Why? Well...

Team 2: The Philadelphia Eagles

Now, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who has followed us for even a few weeks, but I feel for the sake of full transparency: I am a New York Giants fan. I openly despise both of these teams. The pompous arrogance of both fanbases, the talk they bring, and the cowering defences (well, the Patriots anyway...the Eagles have no defence for their performances) they hide within like an air shelter.

Seriously, this year will be a true test for many "genuine" Patriots fans, as you can have a fun game asking them what they think about this 'Superbowl rematch' with the Eagles from 13 years ago will be like. Even if the most basic of bandwagoner caught a glimpse of that fact being rehashed on Facebook or Twitter, they'll still struggle to conjure any thought of their team prior to this millennium. It's why I despise the Patriots: nobody outside of the Boston area is a genuine fan of this team. You're a fan because you're a glory hunting little shit stain, or a troll cheering for the contrary. It's like Dundee being abhorrently supportive of Celtic: you're not a football fan, you just want to bask in the success and pretend you're a part of it in order to validate your pathetic life. A true fan deals through thick and thin. It's why I have all the time in the world for Patriots' fans prior to the Drew Bledsoe & Tom Brady eras, when they were still looking for their first ring, and nearly having the chance before they were destroyed by that legendary Chicago Bears team in 1985.

So say what you will about the Patriots (and I just did at great lengths), but at least they win. At least they're successful. At least they can adapt and have a winning culture year after year after year. The Eagles can't even claim this. You are the spoilt brats of the NFL. You were gifted some of most promising teams with Andy Reid as your head coach, and you pissed away chance after chance. 2 Superbowl appearances where you were manhandled by the Raiders in 1980, and again by the Patriots originally back in 2005. You can talk all the shit you want, but it doesn't mean a damn thing when you can't even claim to have a single ring for the level of talk you tout (and fuck off with those pre-Superbowl championships. They may as well be Christmas ornaments for the value they hold. The fucking Cleveland Browns have more of those...do you really want to admit the Browns are historically better than you?).

But surely I'd root for the Eagles, right? They haven't won anything, as you have already said. They need this, right? To atone for all the wrong moves they've made in the past? To justify the actions of the fans who have waited oh, so patiently and desperately for this moment their entire lifetimes?

No. I do not. And it's not just because they're a divisional rival.

This team deserves nothing. You're a ragtag team of scraps leftover from other teams. You fleeced Jay Ajayi from the Dolphins for the draft equivalent of a KitKat because the Dolphins were too coked out their own blowholes to know any better. LaGarrette Blount is here to join a team and culture that merely tolerates and hides the fact that he loves to smoke weed despite NFL rulings (hey, light up if you want to, but not when you're in a league that prohibits it), washed up Torey Smith and Alshon Jeffrey are here too (hopefully this time Jeffrey won't need a reason to take PED's), and since your new saviour at QB Carson Wentz (remember when you said the same about Randal Cunningham and Donovan McNabb?) tore his ACL, you've brought out Nick Foles to try and salvage things. But it's ok, since Wentz went down, you can be snivelling and disingenuous little shits and parade yourselves as underdogs throughout the entirety of the playoffs.

Underdogs? You were the top fucking seed of the NFC! Wentz went down in Week 14 towards the end of the 3rd quarter against the Rams. You guys still won, and then proceeded to pick up wins against the Giants and Raiders. Final game against the Cowboys? Who fucking cares?!! You've clinched top seed, you've benched everyone worth a damn, and you're secondary slugged it in a pathetic loss to the Cowboys where there was absolutely nothing left to play for.

You are not underdogs. You are merely weaving a narrative to make yourself sound and appear likeable. You make me sick. You are not the 'Dirty Bird'. We all know the reality: you're a team of other teams misfits, living in each of those player's former teams shadows. You outlasted the half-assed Falcons, and destroyed a-way-over-their-own-heads Vikings, who were still reeling it in from the magic that occurred the week prior over the Saints.

Don't even get me started on your regular season performance: you are frauds as well! Your schedule was one of the easiest I've ever seen, as I have already detailed at great length way back in the Divisional Finals preview. I'd honestly not expect anything more than the wins you gained with the opponents you faced this season. It's embarrassing.

And the final reason I don't want this team to win? The fanbase. Jesus fucking Christ, the fans. You are the worst of Steelers, Patriots, 'the' Rangers FC, Millwall, Manchester United, West Ham and Real Madrid fans all blended into one. How you beat your chest and parade your team despite having fuck all credentials to back it up. The way your Facebook pages "torture" your divisional rivals with clips dating back to the odd victory here and there (least every other team in the NFC East has multiple rings...), and the way you act before and after games borders on Black Mirror levels of self parody. It was on full display during the Conference Championships this year. The way Vikings' fans were treated, and the extreme lengths the city has to go to in order to stop you and your primitive and destructive ways afterwards, regardless of the outcome. The way the Vikings had the feel good narrative of a 99 year old fan named Millie Wall, only for you to one up them with your own 99 year old Eagles fan named Phil Basser, and the way certain fans yelled "fuck Millie" in the streets after the game. You guys are scum.

So, I guess I just narrowed it down for myself. I want nothing but misery and agony for the Eagles and fans of Philadelphia as a whole until they learn to clean up their act. The way you think that the 76ers 'trusting the process' by deliberately tanking profusely in order to get top picks is the new 'Moneyball' is hilarious and ridiculous (you got like, what, one good player in Joel Embiid out of it? Ben Simmonds when he's healthy, maybe? It's embarrassing, man. Remember Michael Carter Williams? That guy who was the first pick of the process who you traded away for more picks? Pepridge Farm remembers...), the Phillies pulling one World Series out of their ass this millennium is all they have to show for it, nevermind that they were 3rd last this season, and the Flyers are woefully underachieving, wasting the talents of Wayne Simmonds, Claude Giroux and Shayne Gostisbehere. You're a sad, sad city with a plethora of teams to fit that description perfectly

*Disclaimer*

Obviously now I have to apply to heal all salve of #notalleaglesfans, and it's true: not all fans are like this. Special shoutout to Joe, Lewis, and Nate. You guys are the anomaly of being decent and respectable people while also cheering for this team. That certainly takes something. Regardless: congratulations to your team making it this far, and I do in fact wish them luck in the Superbowl, if only for your sake.

*/Disclaimer*

Die, Eagles, Die. 

Dilly Dilly, Silly Philly.

Winner: The fucking Patriots.